08-19-2020, 07:40 AM
Day 35
Day two off, four cycles down.
I’m still sleeping and waking exhausted. Moving listening to the daytime hasn’t helped with that. Being constantly exhausted is a real problem.
First, I already have a strong tendency to float off into my head and out of my body, and being exhausted means that I’m constantly in my head. This has turned out to be a real problem when working with my healers, where I can’t concentrate on what’s coming up in my body. Progress that I’m making only comes despite being exhausted.
Second, the exhaustion interferes with my ketamine sessions. Two sessions ago the dizziness took hours to recede, and this past session the dizziness turned into overwhelming nausea. When I first started with ketamine, I tracked my emotions day by day. With exhaustion, I can’t feel in detail what’s going on emotionally, so I can’t do that. Tracking my emotions is how I can determine how well the ketamine is working and if I have to adjust it. Given that ketamine is the tool that I’m using to help regulate my emotions, this is another real problem.
The exhaustion hit me as soon as I regularly started listening to the sub, and it hasn’t let up. I’m very torn. If the exhaustion would let up soon, I could probably keep pushing through it, but I don’t have faith that it will. Fear is very very very very very VERY foundational to my identity, and I have seen it be stronger than anything I can bring to bear. If I stop, I’m sure I’m going to be hit by guilt about “surely it would have helped if you could have stuck with it”, but that’s standard self-hatred, and that usually fades.
Is there any way to know that you’re “almost there” past the resistance?
Day two off, four cycles down.
I’m still sleeping and waking exhausted. Moving listening to the daytime hasn’t helped with that. Being constantly exhausted is a real problem.
First, I already have a strong tendency to float off into my head and out of my body, and being exhausted means that I’m constantly in my head. This has turned out to be a real problem when working with my healers, where I can’t concentrate on what’s coming up in my body. Progress that I’m making only comes despite being exhausted.
Second, the exhaustion interferes with my ketamine sessions. Two sessions ago the dizziness took hours to recede, and this past session the dizziness turned into overwhelming nausea. When I first started with ketamine, I tracked my emotions day by day. With exhaustion, I can’t feel in detail what’s going on emotionally, so I can’t do that. Tracking my emotions is how I can determine how well the ketamine is working and if I have to adjust it. Given that ketamine is the tool that I’m using to help regulate my emotions, this is another real problem.
The exhaustion hit me as soon as I regularly started listening to the sub, and it hasn’t let up. I’m very torn. If the exhaustion would let up soon, I could probably keep pushing through it, but I don’t have faith that it will. Fear is very very very very very VERY foundational to my identity, and I have seen it be stronger than anything I can bring to bear. If I stop, I’m sure I’m going to be hit by guilt about “surely it would have helped if you could have stuck with it”, but that’s standard self-hatred, and that usually fades.
Is there any way to know that you’re “almost there” past the resistance?
I share the details of my life in my posts to help in the understanding of the effects of the subliminals I use. I am only open to advice that relates to the use of the subliminals.
