07-09-2020, 03:05 PM
Day 39 (1)
So, I've been to a date today. I have to go through it all some more I fear but there are some things that I need to say right now. The most important being that I really, really need to think about some things and be frank about it with myself.
I'm just tired. I find it hard recently to distinguish my own needs and wants from what I ought to do (or rather or others think I ought to do and I follow it blindly). Relationships are nice but they feel like a cage to me and throughout I felt like thinking "imagine spending the rest of life with her" and I was not pleased. I wonder if I'm not seeing something others see and so I'm hostile to this idea or maybe I'm right and the world is wrong, believing that "the significant other" makes one happier and forcing me to procreate for sake of... yeah what exactly? (A thought for another day)
I simply don't feel comfortable to give up my freedom. My 6-day long week with 28 long days I've learned to cherish so much recently, my "eat what and when I want" attitude, my research and small quirks, my "leave me alone" need when I'm in my mood.
Truth is I love myself, not in a narcissistic way but simply in a sense of care and forgiveness and such, and I'd rather be with myself than forcing myself to change my way for the sake of "the significant other".
Still though, I feel like I can be wrong and I need to acknowledge I might need to change my attitude in the future. At what cost though? Wasting my time dating just to realize every 2 months that it's pointless?
So, I've been to a date today. I have to go through it all some more I fear but there are some things that I need to say right now. The most important being that I really, really need to think about some things and be frank about it with myself.
I'm just tired. I find it hard recently to distinguish my own needs and wants from what I ought to do (or rather or others think I ought to do and I follow it blindly). Relationships are nice but they feel like a cage to me and throughout I felt like thinking "imagine spending the rest of life with her" and I was not pleased. I wonder if I'm not seeing something others see and so I'm hostile to this idea or maybe I'm right and the world is wrong, believing that "the significant other" makes one happier and forcing me to procreate for sake of... yeah what exactly? (A thought for another day)
I simply don't feel comfortable to give up my freedom. My 6-day long week with 28 long days I've learned to cherish so much recently, my "eat what and when I want" attitude, my research and small quirks, my "leave me alone" need when I'm in my mood.
Truth is I love myself, not in a narcissistic way but simply in a sense of care and forgiveness and such, and I'd rather be with myself than forcing myself to change my way for the sake of "the significant other".
Still though, I feel like I can be wrong and I need to acknowledge I might need to change my attitude in the future. At what cost though? Wasting my time dating just to realize every 2 months that it's pointless?
For not by numbers of men, nor by measure of body, but by valor of soul is war to be decided.
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
