07-06-2020, 02:58 AM
(This post was last modified: 07-06-2020, 03:01 AM by K-Train.
Edit Reason: formatting
)
Week 2; 3rd off Day; OF 5.75G
As always, this journal entry is nicely divided into sections. If you’re more interested in a truly amazing showcase of my progress on OF 5.75G skip down to the section titled “The Storm”. I’ll also be adding Tldr’s to the end of certain sections for those of you who want to skim and get the general gist of the entry.
My subconscious has begun enacting a couple tricks in order to make me avoid the program. For the purpose of simplicity I'll simply list the type of resistance and then explain how I've tried to resist.
Type 3: Agitation And Upset - I've mentioned this earlier in this journal but I'm finding that in this week most days I'm irritated and negative for almost no apparent reason. Even people close to me or people who mean no harm are irritating to me for almost no reason. When I was a child and my parents made me do something I didn't want to do (clean my room/homework) what I would do in protest is get agitated but hide it from them to avoid getting a spanking. However, I would also move slower, and complete the task at a snail's pace which was my way of saying "I'll do what you say but I'm going to make you wait as punishment for forcing me to do this." I'm positive that this is why with some programs (DMSI) change was so slow because my inner child was like "fine, I'll do it...on my time frame".
Type 5: Self Delusion and Type 13: Hidden Execution - These two are going hand in hand. My mind tried convincing me that I didn't make any progress, that the program isn't working for me anymore, and that the first week was essentially a fluke. This is BS because my procrastination is dropping day by day and I've noticed that certain fears are either gone or have become so insignificant that I can barely feel them anymore.
Type 16: Don't Think, Don't Execute - And here we go, the thing that's tying it all together. So throughout this entire week my sex drive went up and I started fapping up a storm all of a sudden when the week before my desire to fap was at ZERO. This has led me to not be as clear headed and aware and made me stop thinking. By not thinking I can not consider all the ways that fear held me back, not think about how the elimination of current fears opens up new doors, and this leads to an attempt at self-delusion and hiding execution of the script.
What's the positive behind all this? Well number 1, I'm AWARE of what's going on. Number 2, I'm still making progress and I have no desire to stop. So no running away....unless DMSI 3.3.3 comes out.
Tldr; Subconscious is trying to use methods of resistance it used successfully in the past but OF 5.75G’s technology is too damn strong.
Without getting too lengthy, I had a terrible breakup years ago that I allowed to cause me to revert back to a dismissive/fearful attachment style. I won’t get too in depth about attachment theory and attachment styles but here’s the simple gist of how it affects me: I avoid creating in depth relationships with people, I instinctively distrust almost everyone (especially women), and I prefer to be alone/seek casual relationships that do not require me to get too close to people emotionally. Based on my research and my own self-reflection this is due to fear of abandonment and true intimacy. This had been something that technically existed since childhood but conscious self-improvement stifled its growth and impact until recent years.
Reading all the above makes it obvious why I subconsciously wouldn’t allow DMSI to execute consistently - the program is trying to bring women to me but it’s hard to do it when I push them away on a subconscious level even though the desire is there consciously.
Tldr; Fear of Abandonment and Intimacy directly contradict DMSI’s goals and are probably the main reason I never fully executed DMSI.
This weekend on the 4th of July I went fishing with a lot of my family. It was extremely relaxing thanks to the work of OF 5.75G and the absence of a lot of fear. The highlight of the trip was when we were out on the river attempting to get the boat gassed up and a storm came through. Thunder, rain, and lightning. Everyone was nervous...except me. Even seeing the lightning strike multiple times didn’t faze me. Everyone except my uncle and I got off the boat when we docked to gas up. I stayed with him the entire time on the water making sure we got the boat securely fastened and stayed perfectly calm while the wind, rain, and lightning raged around us. I’ll toot my own horn here and say this was probably one of my most bad ass moments to date. Moreover, I actually felt like a MAN for being able to hang in there and stay calm. Just to have that moment makes this program worth double what I paid.
Tldr; Bad storm appeared while me and the family were out at sea and I wasn’t scared even with the threat of a lightning strike.
As always, this journal entry is nicely divided into sections. If you’re more interested in a truly amazing showcase of my progress on OF 5.75G skip down to the section titled “The Storm”. I’ll also be adding Tldr’s to the end of certain sections for those of you who want to skim and get the general gist of the entry.
Attempts at Resistance
My subconscious has begun enacting a couple tricks in order to make me avoid the program. For the purpose of simplicity I'll simply list the type of resistance and then explain how I've tried to resist.
Type 3: Agitation And Upset - I've mentioned this earlier in this journal but I'm finding that in this week most days I'm irritated and negative for almost no apparent reason. Even people close to me or people who mean no harm are irritating to me for almost no reason. When I was a child and my parents made me do something I didn't want to do (clean my room/homework) what I would do in protest is get agitated but hide it from them to avoid getting a spanking. However, I would also move slower, and complete the task at a snail's pace which was my way of saying "I'll do what you say but I'm going to make you wait as punishment for forcing me to do this." I'm positive that this is why with some programs (DMSI) change was so slow because my inner child was like "fine, I'll do it...on my time frame".
Type 5: Self Delusion and Type 13: Hidden Execution - These two are going hand in hand. My mind tried convincing me that I didn't make any progress, that the program isn't working for me anymore, and that the first week was essentially a fluke. This is BS because my procrastination is dropping day by day and I've noticed that certain fears are either gone or have become so insignificant that I can barely feel them anymore.
Type 16: Don't Think, Don't Execute - And here we go, the thing that's tying it all together. So throughout this entire week my sex drive went up and I started fapping up a storm all of a sudden when the week before my desire to fap was at ZERO. This has led me to not be as clear headed and aware and made me stop thinking. By not thinking I can not consider all the ways that fear held me back, not think about how the elimination of current fears opens up new doors, and this leads to an attempt at self-delusion and hiding execution of the script.
What's the positive behind all this? Well number 1, I'm AWARE of what's going on. Number 2, I'm still making progress and I have no desire to stop. So no running away....unless DMSI 3.3.3 comes out.
Tldr; Subconscious is trying to use methods of resistance it used successfully in the past but OF 5.75G’s technology is too damn strong.
The Fear of Being Abandoned- The Source Discovered
Without getting too lengthy, I had a terrible breakup years ago that I allowed to cause me to revert back to a dismissive/fearful attachment style. I won’t get too in depth about attachment theory and attachment styles but here’s the simple gist of how it affects me: I avoid creating in depth relationships with people, I instinctively distrust almost everyone (especially women), and I prefer to be alone/seek casual relationships that do not require me to get too close to people emotionally. Based on my research and my own self-reflection this is due to fear of abandonment and true intimacy. This had been something that technically existed since childhood but conscious self-improvement stifled its growth and impact until recent years.
Reading all the above makes it obvious why I subconsciously wouldn’t allow DMSI to execute consistently - the program is trying to bring women to me but it’s hard to do it when I push them away on a subconscious level even though the desire is there consciously.
Tldr; Fear of Abandonment and Intimacy directly contradict DMSI’s goals and are probably the main reason I never fully executed DMSI.
The Storm
This weekend on the 4th of July I went fishing with a lot of my family. It was extremely relaxing thanks to the work of OF 5.75G and the absence of a lot of fear. The highlight of the trip was when we were out on the river attempting to get the boat gassed up and a storm came through. Thunder, rain, and lightning. Everyone was nervous...except me. Even seeing the lightning strike multiple times didn’t faze me. Everyone except my uncle and I got off the boat when we docked to gas up. I stayed with him the entire time on the water making sure we got the boat securely fastened and stayed perfectly calm while the wind, rain, and lightning raged around us. I’ll toot my own horn here and say this was probably one of my most bad ass moments to date. Moreover, I actually felt like a MAN for being able to hang in there and stay calm. Just to have that moment makes this program worth double what I paid.
Tldr; Bad storm appeared while me and the family were out at sea and I wasn’t scared even with the threat of a lightning strike.
Miscellaneous Signs of Progress
- Walked around house butt-ass naked with zero negative chatter - not something I do unless my body is in good shape and right now it's most definitely not but...I didn’t care
- Procrastination is still lowering. Productivity is improving as well.
- My dad and I are both fans of the same team and he was questioning why I wasn’t more optimistic and flamboyant about the team - I told him I was optimistic but that I also wasn’t going to start acting out of character to please him and to “prove” something.
