03-07-2020, 03:05 PM
(This post was last modified: 03-07-2020, 03:32 PM by EvolvingPhoenix.)
Day 3 of bloom:
I have undergone some MAJOUR internal changes since last night.
It is hard to explain, and for numerous reasons I cannot explain all of it.
However, I realize an important lesson I am learning: I am learning how to die. I do not just mean this literally, but symbolically. I recognize Death as an archetypal symbol for letting go and making room. This is a lesson I perceive in much of my explorations and experiences.
My attachment to my exfriend was a lesson in dying. My obsession with death related imagery is because I yearn for the love of creation and know deep down that in order to make room for this, I must be ready and willing to die. I have been meditating on my fear with the help of certain practices and substances. I appreciated the mysterious essence of self perceived in the illusion that is my fear. I think my fear is rooted in a fear of surrender to this process, and likely so is the root of my trauma.
EDIT: 3 FUCKING DAYS?!
My progress lately is HELLA rapid. I have NO IDEA how much I might change in the course of a single day at this point. The above realization, along with numerous others which are VERY significant, has been made in the course of a night.
It is as though one night is all it takes to make changes so radical that I feel like a different person.
I have been into violence and death related imagery and aesthetics my whole life, using Grimm as an alias since high school and the phoenix as an inspirational image and moniker since the friendship breakup with the Scorpio I have been learning to let go of my attachment to.
I am embodying the archetype I have been so obsessed with.
I am letting go and changing rapidly.
I am learning to die, so I can make room for creation.
I was watching a movie last night. Over the course, I made many realizations.
During the previews, there was one for a musical with rap, modern pop music, latin music and other stuff pertinent to modern culture. I noted the difference in aesthetic but sameness in essence in comparison to most musicals. I pondered the reason people like musicals and I came to the conclusion that it doesn't matter the particular style of music: Broadway showtunes, Rock Opera, Metal, Hip Hop, Pop, whatever. At the end of the day, people watch these kinds of movies because they wish they wisj to peer into a world where people spontaneously break out into creative self expression, primarilly in the form of music. I spoke under my breath as I said this. I concluded: "They long to live in a world of creativity."
I have a tendency to realize things as I say them.
When I said: "They long to live in a world of creativity" an IMMENSE pain suddenly hit me put of NOWHERE. I broke down sobbing immediately upon saying it.
I tend to wear beanies, so I pulled mine down and quietly wept uncontrollably, processing heavy amounts of inyense and incredibly deep and buried pain.
This was the beginning of many realizations, which ultimately lead to the above realization by the end of the night.
I have undergone some MAJOUR internal changes since last night.
It is hard to explain, and for numerous reasons I cannot explain all of it.
However, I realize an important lesson I am learning: I am learning how to die. I do not just mean this literally, but symbolically. I recognize Death as an archetypal symbol for letting go and making room. This is a lesson I perceive in much of my explorations and experiences.
My attachment to my exfriend was a lesson in dying. My obsession with death related imagery is because I yearn for the love of creation and know deep down that in order to make room for this, I must be ready and willing to die. I have been meditating on my fear with the help of certain practices and substances. I appreciated the mysterious essence of self perceived in the illusion that is my fear. I think my fear is rooted in a fear of surrender to this process, and likely so is the root of my trauma.
EDIT: 3 FUCKING DAYS?!
My progress lately is HELLA rapid. I have NO IDEA how much I might change in the course of a single day at this point. The above realization, along with numerous others which are VERY significant, has been made in the course of a night.
It is as though one night is all it takes to make changes so radical that I feel like a different person.
I have been into violence and death related imagery and aesthetics my whole life, using Grimm as an alias since high school and the phoenix as an inspirational image and moniker since the friendship breakup with the Scorpio I have been learning to let go of my attachment to.
I am embodying the archetype I have been so obsessed with.
I am letting go and changing rapidly.
I am learning to die, so I can make room for creation.
I was watching a movie last night. Over the course, I made many realizations.
During the previews, there was one for a musical with rap, modern pop music, latin music and other stuff pertinent to modern culture. I noted the difference in aesthetic but sameness in essence in comparison to most musicals. I pondered the reason people like musicals and I came to the conclusion that it doesn't matter the particular style of music: Broadway showtunes, Rock Opera, Metal, Hip Hop, Pop, whatever. At the end of the day, people watch these kinds of movies because they wish they wisj to peer into a world where people spontaneously break out into creative self expression, primarilly in the form of music. I spoke under my breath as I said this. I concluded: "They long to live in a world of creativity."
I have a tendency to realize things as I say them.
When I said: "They long to live in a world of creativity" an IMMENSE pain suddenly hit me put of NOWHERE. I broke down sobbing immediately upon saying it.
I tend to wear beanies, so I pulled mine down and quietly wept uncontrollably, processing heavy amounts of inyense and incredibly deep and buried pain.
This was the beginning of many realizations, which ultimately lead to the above realization by the end of the night.
