03-02-2020, 05:56 AM
Day 62
Story time folks, gather 'round and listen to tales of yesterday.
I didn't slain no dragon but yesterday was weird and some of it spilled into today. At any rate, the plan for Sunday was to simply do some work. Thursday through Saturday I've been lazing around so I thought it'd be only right to get some work done. I thought I wouldn't do much exercising except for a walk. A WALK.
Because weather was beautiful and I'm still getting used to warmer weather and longer days I changed my mind from the 10k walk to 20k walk. Part of me wanted to do 30k as I was boasting I can do it but... well maybe. And obviously I did do 30k. Half way in I thought that I still have lots of strength so why not. I decided to do strange amalgamation of my various trails, kind of 3in1 in terms of my normal walks. And that was choice well made as on the bench, in the corner of my eyes I saw my ex.
Well, she saw me. She was waving to me like crazy, amidst her friends. I came closer but without stoping and without plugging off my earphones I just said "Hello, it's nice to know you're still alive". And I went my merry way. I have no idea if she said anything to me and frankly I don't give a damn. The only thing now is that I'm scared she might contact me now.
I was thinking if I want to contact her. The thing is there are some unresolved issues it might help me with. If I'm careful around that harpy that is. But I looked inside, into my will and I have found definitive answer. "NO" I do not want contact with her. Case close, I can go on with my life.
From my experience such happenings always go at least in pairs, that's also why I was scared. However, nothing happened in the remaining 12k of my walk and I managed to come back safely to my home. Only there I have realized how tired I am and how my legs hurt! That's about it when it comes to my work for today... What I did however, so some unknown reason, was I read the entire Book of the Law by Crowley himself.
I've never read it, I've never read anything by Crowley. And I grew to dislike him and his followers quite quickly (seriously, you refuse to fix punctuation errors? WTF!?) but there is some wisdom to it all and I realized, maybe due to that quick exercise I did during my walk, that I really need to start digging into my Will again. Right now I'm using it to lose weight but what next?
And the story ends. Wash your teeth and go to your be... Yes, do you have a question? Oh, the another event as they are going in pairs? No, it had already happened and so I'm no longer scared. And it wasn't bad, it was even more illuminating though.
You see, I'm sure many times over I was talking about my sweetheart. In fact I remember how I was promising to write entire multipart essay about my love life and how she'd be a huge part of it. Long story short I fell for her around 7 years ago, she rejected me (but possibly she'd been the first one I had courage to actually approach) and I felt sad since then. When I'm with someone she's meaningless but when I'm lonesome she's kinda default option for my affection - my thoughts wonder to her alone when there is no one else to think about.
Do you get it? Have you ever had someone who was objectively... average let's say - not ugly but not a beauty either - but somehow when you look at her you get this small heart attack? Yeah, that's her. That's what I'm talking about.
She works the same place I work but we see each other briefly if at all, mostly we pass each other in the corridors. I don't remember the last time I've had serious conversation with her and it's been probably a year or so since I exchanged "a few words" with her. And, obviously, today I saw her. Twice. I had two occasions to ask her out for a coffee or something, anything and I have failed. If that was any other girl I'd be my confident almost-alpha self, around her all I could do was to change direction not to bump into her.
I thought that I'd do it if the stars aligned etc. You know, typical virgin teenager thinking. I love her, she's my destiny and so the Universe will make it so. It won't, not like that. But again, the question is "do I want it"? And when I look into myself the answer is "I don't know". Do I want her or I don't. If I do, why? Because of ethereal passion or because of past trauma of because she reminds of my mother or whatever psychologists would say nowadays. Finding the answer to this question will be my quest for the next couple of weeks if not months.
Oh, and one more thing before I turn off your lights and you go to sleep. This whole weight loss thing? She's been a great inspiration for me. A couple of times I have cough myself thinking about her, how I want to be more attractive and maybe then she'll give me a chance. But also in the past years she lost a lot of weight and so if she could do it, so can I, right?
Story time folks, gather 'round and listen to tales of yesterday.
I didn't slain no dragon but yesterday was weird and some of it spilled into today. At any rate, the plan for Sunday was to simply do some work. Thursday through Saturday I've been lazing around so I thought it'd be only right to get some work done. I thought I wouldn't do much exercising except for a walk. A WALK.
Because weather was beautiful and I'm still getting used to warmer weather and longer days I changed my mind from the 10k walk to 20k walk. Part of me wanted to do 30k as I was boasting I can do it but... well maybe. And obviously I did do 30k. Half way in I thought that I still have lots of strength so why not. I decided to do strange amalgamation of my various trails, kind of 3in1 in terms of my normal walks. And that was choice well made as on the bench, in the corner of my eyes I saw my ex.
Well, she saw me. She was waving to me like crazy, amidst her friends. I came closer but without stoping and without plugging off my earphones I just said "Hello, it's nice to know you're still alive". And I went my merry way. I have no idea if she said anything to me and frankly I don't give a damn. The only thing now is that I'm scared she might contact me now.
I was thinking if I want to contact her. The thing is there are some unresolved issues it might help me with. If I'm careful around that harpy that is. But I looked inside, into my will and I have found definitive answer. "NO" I do not want contact with her. Case close, I can go on with my life.
From my experience such happenings always go at least in pairs, that's also why I was scared. However, nothing happened in the remaining 12k of my walk and I managed to come back safely to my home. Only there I have realized how tired I am and how my legs hurt! That's about it when it comes to my work for today... What I did however, so some unknown reason, was I read the entire Book of the Law by Crowley himself.
I've never read it, I've never read anything by Crowley. And I grew to dislike him and his followers quite quickly (seriously, you refuse to fix punctuation errors? WTF!?) but there is some wisdom to it all and I realized, maybe due to that quick exercise I did during my walk, that I really need to start digging into my Will again. Right now I'm using it to lose weight but what next?
And the story ends. Wash your teeth and go to your be... Yes, do you have a question? Oh, the another event as they are going in pairs? No, it had already happened and so I'm no longer scared. And it wasn't bad, it was even more illuminating though.
You see, I'm sure many times over I was talking about my sweetheart. In fact I remember how I was promising to write entire multipart essay about my love life and how she'd be a huge part of it. Long story short I fell for her around 7 years ago, she rejected me (but possibly she'd been the first one I had courage to actually approach) and I felt sad since then. When I'm with someone she's meaningless but when I'm lonesome she's kinda default option for my affection - my thoughts wonder to her alone when there is no one else to think about.
Do you get it? Have you ever had someone who was objectively... average let's say - not ugly but not a beauty either - but somehow when you look at her you get this small heart attack? Yeah, that's her. That's what I'm talking about.
She works the same place I work but we see each other briefly if at all, mostly we pass each other in the corridors. I don't remember the last time I've had serious conversation with her and it's been probably a year or so since I exchanged "a few words" with her. And, obviously, today I saw her. Twice. I had two occasions to ask her out for a coffee or something, anything and I have failed. If that was any other girl I'd be my confident almost-alpha self, around her all I could do was to change direction not to bump into her.
I thought that I'd do it if the stars aligned etc. You know, typical virgin teenager thinking. I love her, she's my destiny and so the Universe will make it so. It won't, not like that. But again, the question is "do I want it"? And when I look into myself the answer is "I don't know". Do I want her or I don't. If I do, why? Because of ethereal passion or because of past trauma of because she reminds of my mother or whatever psychologists would say nowadays. Finding the answer to this question will be my quest for the next couple of weeks if not months.
Oh, and one more thing before I turn off your lights and you go to sleep. This whole weight loss thing? She's been a great inspiration for me. A couple of times I have cough myself thinking about her, how I want to be more attractive and maybe then she'll give me a chance. But also in the past years she lost a lot of weight and so if she could do it, so can I, right?
For not by numbers of men, nor by measure of body, but by valor of soul is war to be decided.
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
