USLM [Day 56]
I am still thinking about changing the subliminal. I don't know what else I want to run. I am totally clueless. This is somewhat messing with my head. I know this is just a tactic to try and run away from USLM.
I am procrastinating/doing nothing on purpose/trying to distract myself all day long. But it is hard to find stuff to run away to, since I have done this to exhaustion. And so I am getting restless, mindless.
Looking back, I see all the improvement that has been going on. All the throwing away of useless behaviors, formerly ingrained excuses and hollow activities. But there are still enough distractions left.
I've been in some kind of limbo for the past two weeks. I hope this will pass soon. I think, I have experienced this strange state of resistance over and over again in the past. At first I would give in after a few days and change the subliminal. If I stubbornly refused for some days, I would soon begin mixing with other subliminals, derailing any chance for further progress. Sub-hopping would ensue. And it would take months to stabilize again. Rinse and repeat. Or so it seems right now.
Just refusing to change the subliminal seems to take up a lot of headspace. In the meantime I am totally useless, unproductive, uncreactive. Strangely, there is no consciously noticeable fear around. Only restlessness as I watch myself consuming mindless content just so that I fill up the hours of the day. And then another and another and another.
I lack willpower and drive. The less fear and guilt and shame I experience, the less I strive to correct my behavior. But I certainly enjoy and find pride in the fact that I am superficially/consciously free from the big three. Took a lot of time to get here. The flip side of the coin, however, is apathy. Why should I strive to improve myself, my world, my life? In the end all of it is meaningless. A stupid game where we run around like headless chickens, tip-toeing around a set of eternal but everchanging rules. And when the music stops, none of it matters. So why should it matter now? Do I have a chemical imbalance or is everybody else oblivious to this? It shouldn't be the latter, since I am not someone special. At least I am not arrogant/delusional enough to believe that.
So, why strive? I'll simply procrastinate another 30 or so years and then all this ends anyway. At least for this reality slot. This is really pathetic
I am still thinking about changing the subliminal. I don't know what else I want to run. I am totally clueless. This is somewhat messing with my head. I know this is just a tactic to try and run away from USLM.
I am procrastinating/doing nothing on purpose/trying to distract myself all day long. But it is hard to find stuff to run away to, since I have done this to exhaustion. And so I am getting restless, mindless.
Looking back, I see all the improvement that has been going on. All the throwing away of useless behaviors, formerly ingrained excuses and hollow activities. But there are still enough distractions left.
I've been in some kind of limbo for the past two weeks. I hope this will pass soon. I think, I have experienced this strange state of resistance over and over again in the past. At first I would give in after a few days and change the subliminal. If I stubbornly refused for some days, I would soon begin mixing with other subliminals, derailing any chance for further progress. Sub-hopping would ensue. And it would take months to stabilize again. Rinse and repeat. Or so it seems right now.
Just refusing to change the subliminal seems to take up a lot of headspace. In the meantime I am totally useless, unproductive, uncreactive. Strangely, there is no consciously noticeable fear around. Only restlessness as I watch myself consuming mindless content just so that I fill up the hours of the day. And then another and another and another.
I lack willpower and drive. The less fear and guilt and shame I experience, the less I strive to correct my behavior. But I certainly enjoy and find pride in the fact that I am superficially/consciously free from the big three. Took a lot of time to get here. The flip side of the coin, however, is apathy. Why should I strive to improve myself, my world, my life? In the end all of it is meaningless. A stupid game where we run around like headless chickens, tip-toeing around a set of eternal but everchanging rules. And when the music stops, none of it matters. So why should it matter now? Do I have a chemical imbalance or is everybody else oblivious to this? It shouldn't be the latter, since I am not someone special. At least I am not arrogant/delusional enough to believe that.
So, why strive? I'll simply procrastinate another 30 or so years and then all this ends anyway. At least for this reality slot. This is really pathetic
_ - Third Stone From The Sun - _
