11-23-2019, 03:04 PM
Day 57 (day 6 on)
Last night there wasn’t popping in the wall so I got the ultrasonic loops in. I now have the trickling stream on loop as I sit on the couch.
Tomorrow I head home for the week of Thanksgiving. Recently my father’s not been doing well. He’s older, and had a fall due to blood pressure medication issues, and at this point he has issues standing up because his blood pressure will dip too low and needs to be watched over 24×7. The idea that this will be the last time I see him alive keeps coming up, and my grief is back to eating me up from the inside.
I’ve talked about the grief and terror before. I’ve heard lots of advice, but just about nothing that is useful. The common advice is that you have to feel your feelings for them to move through you. Thanks, but the grief and terror don’t feel like normal feelings. They feel like crushing death. They don’t move through me to be released; they just sit there and the more I feel them the more they eat me alive.
The only thing I’ve ever seen that talks about this are some enlightenment books by Jed McKenna that I read years ago. He talks about the blackness of death and terror, and how to achieve enlightenment you have to go through it to the other side. And I don’t know. As much as I want the pain and grief to stop, at least right now I’m occasionally feeling good and having fun. If I tried to go through the grief and terror, I don’t know if I would come out the other side without going insane. Literally.
The pain isn’t quite intolerable enough that I’m considering other options, but it’s getting close. I’ll keep at DMSI for now, but if LTU5 didn’t execute and DMSI with the latest functionality isn’t executing, then I’m not sure what my options are.
Last night there wasn’t popping in the wall so I got the ultrasonic loops in. I now have the trickling stream on loop as I sit on the couch.
Tomorrow I head home for the week of Thanksgiving. Recently my father’s not been doing well. He’s older, and had a fall due to blood pressure medication issues, and at this point he has issues standing up because his blood pressure will dip too low and needs to be watched over 24×7. The idea that this will be the last time I see him alive keeps coming up, and my grief is back to eating me up from the inside.
I’ve talked about the grief and terror before. I’ve heard lots of advice, but just about nothing that is useful. The common advice is that you have to feel your feelings for them to move through you. Thanks, but the grief and terror don’t feel like normal feelings. They feel like crushing death. They don’t move through me to be released; they just sit there and the more I feel them the more they eat me alive.
The only thing I’ve ever seen that talks about this are some enlightenment books by Jed McKenna that I read years ago. He talks about the blackness of death and terror, and how to achieve enlightenment you have to go through it to the other side. And I don’t know. As much as I want the pain and grief to stop, at least right now I’m occasionally feeling good and having fun. If I tried to go through the grief and terror, I don’t know if I would come out the other side without going insane. Literally.
The pain isn’t quite intolerable enough that I’m considering other options, but it’s getting close. I’ll keep at DMSI for now, but if LTU5 didn’t execute and DMSI with the latest functionality isn’t executing, then I’m not sure what my options are.
I share the details of my life in my posts to help in the understanding of the effects of the subliminals I use. I am only open to advice that relates to the use of the subliminals.
