Mystic Life - LTU 5

[Mystic Pymp]

Day 78 (1)

Stoicism sounds like an effort to deny that you have emotions, and your depression sounds like your emotions getting upset about that.

Not quite. Stoicism for me is an effort to recognize what you can change and what you cannot, and thus acting on the former and simply accepting the latter. It's good philosophy that works 90% of the time. Sometime though it's cathartic to rage against something you have no control over. But again, it's all about the difference between apathy and apatheia. Apatheia is the goal, something to strife towards. Apathy is death while you still breath. Nevertheless, something is wrong and I fell like only after I end current run I'll figure out how to deal with it.

Home, sweet home

Anyhow, this weekend I came to visit my mother. I've said before that I hate coming here. Somehow this time it's not the case. 3 reasons I can see.

1) This time my visit is shorter. It's easier to accept the stay when discomfort and anxiety doesn't build up.
2) I've started reclaiming my place in the house. Small things but slowly my room starts to feel like someplace I actually belong.
3) Due to the emotional weight on me I've found it refreshing to change the scenery and get a sort of reboot.

Second point I think is the biggest one. I need to make this place my own, clutter it again with my useless stuff, throw all the just I don't need, getting used to it. And I think I should do this before Christmas, not during but by then it should become my home.

Also my mother seems more... sane? Rational. I still often question her decisions and motives (more often than not directly to her) but it's somehow less noticeable than before. I still dread Christmas this year, first Christmas without my father. It's gonna be solemn and somehow empty but I know I'll have to be there for my mother. At least as much as she'll need to be there for me.