EP UMS JOURNAL

[tolgaocal80]

Day 4 of bloom.

I still hate myself. Thought I was passed this part of my healing process. Why can't I just let go of shit? Why can't I forgive myself? Why can't I believe in any change I make? Why is it not enough? Why can't I give myself credit? Why can' I accept myself as I am? Why can't I believe in getting second chances? Why do I feel I need one so badly? I feel as though I'll always think back on the last 4 to 5 years as proof that I'll irredeemably never be good enough. Likenot only will I  never be good enough, I'll never be worthy of love and I don't deserve forgiveness or understanding. Hopefully, these feelings or ideas or beliefs or whatever are just E3 working on me and they're my subconscious's way of fighting back against the programming and my subconscious will just eventually  stop fighting, but this is a feeling I've had ever since I first got rejected, and truth be told, this is a feeling/belief/idea that I have probably had all my life, that just got buried and triggered by everything that happened with me and my ex-friend. I'm trying to just process it when it comes up, but it doesn't seem to process. I'm having a hard time processing it, having a hard time rewriting it, having a hard time understanding it, having a hard time letting it go and have a hard time healing it. It's just killing me inside, causing constant low-key suffering that occasionally becomes more intense. I fell asleep last night feeling this way, and after at least 8 hours of sleep, I awake feeling this way again. This is going to be some really difficult healing.

Sometimes I look at the lives of the people around me and try to feel what they feel, what they avoid, what they feel when they love someone, when they are rejected.At some moments I realize how similar my own life is with them and I try to see the world through their eyes. I always thought that I was special and that when I grew up I would be richer, more powerful, better than anyone, and I could easily have everything I wanted. But as time went by, nothing happened as I thought, and I started blaming myself, just like you did. Because that was the only thing I could do for that moment, and now I can see that I've always lied to myself. I blame myself for things I didn't do, I can go on with it, but when I look at old people I can really see that I'm running out of time. I think you should stop asking yourself questions like that, man, asking yourself why you hate yourself, and trying to find out why. This is not working I have tried too much. When I believed that the people around me had the same value as me, I let myself go.  So many people out there, not even trying to help themselves, You put yourself in your head that you would heal yourself. So you don't hate yourself that much.