11-16-2019, 02:22 PM
Day 71 (0)
Sleepwalker
Did I mention I have Autumn? That I despise short days and cold weather? Well, I do, I do, I do.
At this very moment I am in the middle of Autumn and at the apex of my autumn-time depression. My will to do anything is weak and if not for all the habits I've developed in the past I might have been a wreck right now.
The thing is... I have nobody to blame this time. For the past 3 autumns I've either was starting or was ending an relationship, 4 autumns ago I could focus 100% on what I wanted to and before... well, wait for my love story memoir that will never see the light of day. Needless to say it's the first time since high school when I don't have emotional problems due to others to blame my abysmal feelings right now.
That made me thinking about how I'd survive this time way back when. And I remembered how I'd just "brave it though" or rather "wait it out". Week by week, day by day, wait for the March, wait for longer days and start of the flora to blossom. And, although this time I did not plan this, I do exactly this right now. For the past 2 weeks it feels like I've been a sleepwalker. Wake up, work, all that jazz, rinse and repeat. Days just go buy, all as gray and monotone as the last.
It doesn't make me exactly unhappy. I can live with it, I can wait it out. It just feels like I'm wasting my time, you know? I have all the time in the world and energy for nothing. I should be continuing my research, I should be self-improving. But the very thought dreads me right now.
I find solace in 3 things right now. My work (which somehow manages to keep me honest, waking up early and keeping with my obligations), my long walks and philosophy podcasts. Sometimes stoicism is the only thing man can have.
Sleepwalker
Did I mention I have Autumn? That I despise short days and cold weather? Well, I do, I do, I do.
At this very moment I am in the middle of Autumn and at the apex of my autumn-time depression. My will to do anything is weak and if not for all the habits I've developed in the past I might have been a wreck right now.
The thing is... I have nobody to blame this time. For the past 3 autumns I've either was starting or was ending an relationship, 4 autumns ago I could focus 100% on what I wanted to and before... well, wait for my love story memoir that will never see the light of day. Needless to say it's the first time since high school when I don't have emotional problems due to others to blame my abysmal feelings right now.
That made me thinking about how I'd survive this time way back when. And I remembered how I'd just "brave it though" or rather "wait it out". Week by week, day by day, wait for the March, wait for longer days and start of the flora to blossom. And, although this time I did not plan this, I do exactly this right now. For the past 2 weeks it feels like I've been a sleepwalker. Wake up, work, all that jazz, rinse and repeat. Days just go buy, all as gray and monotone as the last.
It doesn't make me exactly unhappy. I can live with it, I can wait it out. It just feels like I'm wasting my time, you know? I have all the time in the world and energy for nothing. I should be continuing my research, I should be self-improving. But the very thought dreads me right now.
I find solace in 3 things right now. My work (which somehow manages to keep me honest, waking up early and keeping with my obligations), my long walks and philosophy podcasts. Sometimes stoicism is the only thing man can have.
For not by numbers of men, nor by measure of body, but by valor of soul is war to be decided.
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
