10-14-2019, 02:19 PM
(This post was last modified: 10-14-2019, 02:42 PM by EvolvingPhoenix.)
(10-12-2019, 09:59 PM)Paul1131 Wrote:(10-12-2019, 07:35 AM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote: I am... Constantly in this weird state that's hard to describe. It's like... Underneath the surface, these majour issues regarding self esteem, guilt, shame, fear, disappointment, and feelings of helplessness to change it all exist, but on the surface, I mostly have a really blunted emotional affect about it. Like I'm just bored. But underneath it is a well of dissatisfaction and unhappiness with what seems like a lid being kept shut on it. I want to reach a point where I truly feel wortht of the love, acceptance and mutual attraction I didn't get in the past. But right now, even with all my recent success, I feel like a failure. I feel like a loser. I feel like I'm "not good enough" and it's making me sad. Although that emotion too, is blunted. There's just this constant low key depression, colouring (or I should say "discolouring") everything. I feel like I need distraction to get my mind off of it, but I know that fixes nothing.
Yeah. "Low key depression" is what to call it. I guess it isn't too complicated to explain after all...
I found with these programs, especially with LTU but UMS as well, that’s how the change starts. The surface thoughts change first, going from bad to not that bad to good, but you’ll still sense the underlying issues still there. Then the deeper levels start to change.
I hope the deeper thoughts DO start to change. I need them to. In order to create whatever reality I want, my beleifs, thoughts and feelings need to be in alignment with it first. I am hoping to bring them into alignment as soon as possible, however soon that is. Right noq, I don't love myself, I don't respect myself or hold myself in very high regard, I don't beleive I'm "worthy" of the changes I want to make in my life and I don't beleive in my ability to make them at this moment as such. My big struggle is to change that. But I don't know how.
I've gotta remember that this version of E3 is way mote aggressive though than the version I was using, which in one way is a good thing. It also explains why I'm feeling like such crap lately: because the UMS version of E3 is extremely aggressive. I just hope it clears these issues up.
