10-13-2019, 06:30 AM
(10-12-2019, 09:59 PM)Paul1131 Wrote:(10-12-2019, 07:35 AM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote: I am... Constantly in this weird state that's hard to describe. It's like... Underneath the surface, these majour issues regarding self esteem, guilt, shame, fear, disappointment, and feelings of helplessness to change it all exist, but on the surface, I mostly have a really blunted emotional affect about it. Like I'm just bored. But underneath it is a well of dissatisfaction and unhappiness with what seems like a lid being kept shut on it. I want to reach a point where I truly feel wortht of the love, acceptance and mutual attraction I didn't get in the past. But right now, even with all my recent success, I feel like a failure. I feel like a loser. I feel like I'm "not good enough" and it's making me sad. Although that emotion too, is blunted. There's just this constant low key depression, colouring (or I should say "discolouring") everything. I feel like I need distraction to get my mind off of it, but I know that fixes nothing.
Yeah. "Low key depression" is what to call it. I guess it isn't too complicated to explain after all...
I found with these programs, especially with LTU but UMS as well, that’s how the change starts. The surface thoughts change first, going from bad to not that bad to good, but you’ll still sense the underlying issues still there. Then the deeper levels start to change.
As to your parents, (please don’t think I’m talking down to you here I’ve been there) they sound a lot like mine. Very controlling, every single action is calculated to demonstrate maintain and increase their dominance so that they can win some kind of power game. I’m sorry you have to go through that. I did until my mid twenties too. I realized that the only way I was going to even start to repair the damage and figure out how to lead my own life was to get out and far enough away that they didn’t have much influence on my day to day life at all costs. It’s really hard to heal when you’re taking emotional artillery fire on a daily basis.
Very true. That's another reason that I want to travel. Luckilly, they're not as bad as they used to be, but they still pull crap like this. Thanks for your understanding.
