10-07-2019, 10:48 AM
I've lost something and only now do I realize this. What made last summer so great for me, so fruitful? I'd say outcome independence.
Read what I wrote. How I am angry and powerless. These are two emotions that come from position where you want the world to be one way, but it is the other and you cannot accept - rage against it one might say. I make plans, I want things to end up a certain way and life seems not to like this very much. Instead of going my way it throws obstacles my way.
And that is not the worst part. The worst part is that I got a strange picture of myself, of a person who can do no wrong and who's serendipity rivals this of a gods. So, when faced with counter-argument I don't accept it and look for scapegoat. It's not me who's a wrong, it's the world! The world is wrong! Even today at the walk I was thinking about me ex and, despite the fact I wanted this relationship to end and felt quite relieved when it did, I was cursing her for how she broke with me and hurt me instead of saving the relationship.
Time to get some responsibility again, Mister Mystic!
On the other hand, feeling of victimhood taste of sweetness and excuse.
I should do something in between and neither. I should learn to just let go again. To trust the Universe, to trust my Will and let go. Enjoy the life, see where it leads me. Maybe I hold too strong onto habits developed not that long ago, habits that now feel more like a chain. Maybe I should allow myself to eat more, skip exercises and use spare time and energy on something else. Well, maybe - such a dangerous word. Thinking about this makes me anxious.
But after all, if you really, truly want something - you just do it. So why worry, why plan, why scheme. Just let go and enjoy what life gives you.
Read what I wrote. How I am angry and powerless. These are two emotions that come from position where you want the world to be one way, but it is the other and you cannot accept - rage against it one might say. I make plans, I want things to end up a certain way and life seems not to like this very much. Instead of going my way it throws obstacles my way.
And that is not the worst part. The worst part is that I got a strange picture of myself, of a person who can do no wrong and who's serendipity rivals this of a gods. So, when faced with counter-argument I don't accept it and look for scapegoat. It's not me who's a wrong, it's the world! The world is wrong! Even today at the walk I was thinking about me ex and, despite the fact I wanted this relationship to end and felt quite relieved when it did, I was cursing her for how she broke with me and hurt me instead of saving the relationship.
Time to get some responsibility again, Mister Mystic!
On the other hand, feeling of victimhood taste of sweetness and excuse.
I should do something in between and neither. I should learn to just let go again. To trust the Universe, to trust my Will and let go. Enjoy the life, see where it leads me. Maybe I hold too strong onto habits developed not that long ago, habits that now feel more like a chain. Maybe I should allow myself to eat more, skip exercises and use spare time and energy on something else. Well, maybe - such a dangerous word. Thinking about this makes me anxious.
But after all, if you really, truly want something - you just do it. So why worry, why plan, why scheme. Just let go and enjoy what life gives you.
For not by numbers of men, nor by measure of body, but by valor of soul is war to be decided.
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
