10-05-2019, 02:05 PM
(This post was last modified: 10-05-2019, 02:15 PM by Have at ye.)
Ufff. So, DMSI started getting serious, and for these past 3 days I've been *raging* inside for the most part - some part(s) of me is raging that I'm pushing it to do what it doesn't wanna, while another part of me gets testy with the resisty parts for *wasting my time*. The resisting sometimes takes the form of hopelessness as well, f. in., as I was practicing my bardic skillz on Friday, for some reason the resisty parts took issue with it and made me feel totally bad as I was at it; it got unpleasant enough that I had to stop prematurely and didn't feel like I accomplished much.
Thing is, though, that when the resisty parts get resisty, they appear to be throwing stuff at me that they *know* I will find extremely unpleasant and emotionally painful, and when something moves, so to speak, it turns out what they had been resisting had nothing to do with those things at all. Most annoying.
Usually I get unpleasant stuff thrown at me by myself when I'm in settings where DMSIng would be most welcome and appropriate. Whilst those parts of me would prefer to sit at home and try to distract myself with pointless entertainment, or just lay down and do nothing much, I have still been making a point of getting my ass out there for at least a couple of hours per day. Because otherwise, the effects of DMSIng, as far as I've been noticing them, have not been diminished in the slightest.
Thing is, I decided on Friday evening that I will try to employ the parts that are annoyed by the resisty parts and have them try to overpower them, so I turned up the heat and increased the volume to what foobar says is 0dB (the highest comfortable volume for me when using headphones. It's pretty loud, but not deafeningly so, heh). This appears to have done the trick to at least some extent, as now the unpleasant stuff appears to be getting thrown at me with lesser intensity and for shorter periods of time, and I get more execution indicators. I am also noticing wonky sensations, which may be FRM related, in spots I've not been having them up to now.
Amusingly, I got my arse out there today, intending to go to the library to read some more Lacan on "Female sexuality" (there's a collection of his writings/lectures by that title that I have discovered at the lib. It is most fascinating, although let me put it this way - for most guys, I'd put an actual *trigger warning* on the thing, lol. Seriously, you want "red pill", try creepy uncle Lacan on female sexuality for some "red pill". Also, castration complex
). But, I stopped at the uni campus on the way, to sit on a bench for a moment, and a dude-singer I know happened to be walking by, said, "yo, I'm gigging right here, that building over there, in an hour, free entrance, c'mon", so I attended. It was pretty fun, and good for facilitating some DMSIng as well as a bit of UMSing even. Nevertheless, it was a pleasant coincidence. Good guy, that guy (I think I mentioned meeting with him for a beer in my UMS journal at some point).
So, that's that for now. Tomorrow morning I'll be putting the loops on, and the it's 4 days of break, and we'll be returning to the scheduled DMSIng on Friday. I'll be touring out of town for the duration. Dunno whether I feel like lugging my computer along with me to report LIVE, but we'll see. I hate typing posts on my phone.
EDIT
Also received an invite to a party hosted by one of the Oedipal Sonny lovers (a particularly "Girls with Low Self-Esteem vol. 2" one, also mentioned previously in either this journal, or my UMS one), but it falls in the middle of my tour when I'll be away (wild parties in the middle of the week? How decadent), so I'm not attending. Interesting that she'd invite me, though. She must realize her "ex-boyfriend" sonny has been slandering/"telling how it is" about her butt all around town, and I was probably the first guy he ran to to do so, lol. Then again, both these bozos are about as trustworthy as... I have no analogy at hand... so who knows what's really what, lol.
Thing is, though, that when the resisty parts get resisty, they appear to be throwing stuff at me that they *know* I will find extremely unpleasant and emotionally painful, and when something moves, so to speak, it turns out what they had been resisting had nothing to do with those things at all. Most annoying.
Usually I get unpleasant stuff thrown at me by myself when I'm in settings where DMSIng would be most welcome and appropriate. Whilst those parts of me would prefer to sit at home and try to distract myself with pointless entertainment, or just lay down and do nothing much, I have still been making a point of getting my ass out there for at least a couple of hours per day. Because otherwise, the effects of DMSIng, as far as I've been noticing them, have not been diminished in the slightest.
Thing is, I decided on Friday evening that I will try to employ the parts that are annoyed by the resisty parts and have them try to overpower them, so I turned up the heat and increased the volume to what foobar says is 0dB (the highest comfortable volume for me when using headphones. It's pretty loud, but not deafeningly so, heh). This appears to have done the trick to at least some extent, as now the unpleasant stuff appears to be getting thrown at me with lesser intensity and for shorter periods of time, and I get more execution indicators. I am also noticing wonky sensations, which may be FRM related, in spots I've not been having them up to now.
Amusingly, I got my arse out there today, intending to go to the library to read some more Lacan on "Female sexuality" (there's a collection of his writings/lectures by that title that I have discovered at the lib. It is most fascinating, although let me put it this way - for most guys, I'd put an actual *trigger warning* on the thing, lol. Seriously, you want "red pill", try creepy uncle Lacan on female sexuality for some "red pill". Also, castration complex
). But, I stopped at the uni campus on the way, to sit on a bench for a moment, and a dude-singer I know happened to be walking by, said, "yo, I'm gigging right here, that building over there, in an hour, free entrance, c'mon", so I attended. It was pretty fun, and good for facilitating some DMSIng as well as a bit of UMSing even. Nevertheless, it was a pleasant coincidence. Good guy, that guy (I think I mentioned meeting with him for a beer in my UMS journal at some point).So, that's that for now. Tomorrow morning I'll be putting the loops on, and the it's 4 days of break, and we'll be returning to the scheduled DMSIng on Friday. I'll be touring out of town for the duration. Dunno whether I feel like lugging my computer along with me to report LIVE, but we'll see. I hate typing posts on my phone.
EDIT
Also received an invite to a party hosted by one of the Oedipal Sonny lovers (a particularly "Girls with Low Self-Esteem vol. 2" one, also mentioned previously in either this journal, or my UMS one), but it falls in the middle of my tour when I'll be away (wild parties in the middle of the week? How decadent), so I'm not attending. Interesting that she'd invite me, though. She must realize her "ex-boyfriend" sonny has been slandering/"telling how it is" about her butt all around town, and I was probably the first guy he ran to to do so, lol. Then again, both these bozos are about as trustworthy as... I have no analogy at hand... so who knows what's really what, lol.
"A man who is doing his True Will has the inertia of the Universe to assist him." - A. Crowley
