08-19-2019, 04:54 PM
This mental Versailles
Just a side note, this title comes from song "Drama for Life" by great Finnish band Poets of the Fall. They play quite pleasant rock music and their lyrics are often... poetic. I've been listening to their music for some time now but they gained my attention during current LTU run. I especially owe a lot to their song "In a Perfect World", the sense of hope in this song is just... chilling.
I think calling my mind "Versailles" is apt comparison. I've always been a person of a rich if unorthodox imagination. I'm not that creative. I'm very, very bad at creating new things. But I'm good at analyzing.
I must have mentioned that I'm currently listening to Dune on audiobook. Not to get into spoilers but there is someone called "Kwisatz Haderach" who can pretty much see future by the means of logic and near omniscience. I'm far from omniscient so down the drain goes me becoming gypsy fortune-teller, but my logical deductions sound a lot like these of Kwisatz Haderach. I don't just think what the consequences will be. I can see them, hear them, branching and twisting as I look for the optimal one. Most of the times I don't even realize this is happening, often it happens just there, in the background. But I always analyze, always optimize. Always question everything.
That means when I do something stupid, something going again my "greater good", I always do it knowing the consequences. I just don't care for these consequences.
What LTU gave me is the courage (and possibly tools) to enter this Versailles of mine and explore it. Result of the calculation is only as good and input data. Following this comparison my data was flawed. And it still is but much less so. I am so much more aware of what I want and how and why.
It's unendingly hilarious for me how insignificant it is to think that you want something. You must KNOW. And not only what you want but also every "but" and "however" and "although" that comes with it. Bringing my previous post there is a gigantic difference between "I want to be rich" and "I know I want security riches will bring me, but I don't need more money to be happy".
I wish I could describe process of me meditating and trying to find answer for my questions. After all I think I know what I want and what I fear. But when I get deeper, when I ask myself whys to every statement I often find uncomfortable truths. I wonder how many questions I'm still to fearful to ask myself. But nonetheless I do it and I find it therapeutic. It helps me and, although rarely, with LTU's help and can do effortless changes that before would require a lot of will.
The biggest downside of this entrance to the Versailles of mine is that I became very judgmental to other people. I mean come on, if I can do this why other cannot? It is easy, barely an inconvenience. Move your asses goddammit! But there is a reason a lot of people started looking at me with amazement how I have evolved in recent months. Because it is not easy. I requires a lot of courage to enter the gate. At it requires a lot of knowledge to be aware there is a gate to enter.
I was thinking about this before the recent party. If there was one advice I would give to 18 years old me, what would it be? And the answer was "know yourself". Meditate, ask questions, stand proudly when faced with scary or embarrassing truth and embrace it. Knowledge is power. And without this knowledge it's easy to be powerless against currents of destiny. With this power you can shape the destiny.
"This mental Versailles is much grander than the lies you tell yourself to get through the night."
Just a side note, this title comes from song "Drama for Life" by great Finnish band Poets of the Fall. They play quite pleasant rock music and their lyrics are often... poetic. I've been listening to their music for some time now but they gained my attention during current LTU run. I especially owe a lot to their song "In a Perfect World", the sense of hope in this song is just... chilling.
I think calling my mind "Versailles" is apt comparison. I've always been a person of a rich if unorthodox imagination. I'm not that creative. I'm very, very bad at creating new things. But I'm good at analyzing.
I must have mentioned that I'm currently listening to Dune on audiobook. Not to get into spoilers but there is someone called "Kwisatz Haderach" who can pretty much see future by the means of logic and near omniscience. I'm far from omniscient so down the drain goes me becoming gypsy fortune-teller, but my logical deductions sound a lot like these of Kwisatz Haderach. I don't just think what the consequences will be. I can see them, hear them, branching and twisting as I look for the optimal one. Most of the times I don't even realize this is happening, often it happens just there, in the background. But I always analyze, always optimize. Always question everything.
That means when I do something stupid, something going again my "greater good", I always do it knowing the consequences. I just don't care for these consequences.
What LTU gave me is the courage (and possibly tools) to enter this Versailles of mine and explore it. Result of the calculation is only as good and input data. Following this comparison my data was flawed. And it still is but much less so. I am so much more aware of what I want and how and why.
It's unendingly hilarious for me how insignificant it is to think that you want something. You must KNOW. And not only what you want but also every "but" and "however" and "although" that comes with it. Bringing my previous post there is a gigantic difference between "I want to be rich" and "I know I want security riches will bring me, but I don't need more money to be happy".
I wish I could describe process of me meditating and trying to find answer for my questions. After all I think I know what I want and what I fear. But when I get deeper, when I ask myself whys to every statement I often find uncomfortable truths. I wonder how many questions I'm still to fearful to ask myself. But nonetheless I do it and I find it therapeutic. It helps me and, although rarely, with LTU's help and can do effortless changes that before would require a lot of will.
The biggest downside of this entrance to the Versailles of mine is that I became very judgmental to other people. I mean come on, if I can do this why other cannot? It is easy, barely an inconvenience. Move your asses goddammit! But there is a reason a lot of people started looking at me with amazement how I have evolved in recent months. Because it is not easy. I requires a lot of courage to enter the gate. At it requires a lot of knowledge to be aware there is a gate to enter.
I was thinking about this before the recent party. If there was one advice I would give to 18 years old me, what would it be? And the answer was "know yourself". Meditate, ask questions, stand proudly when faced with scary or embarrassing truth and embrace it. Knowledge is power. And without this knowledge it's easy to be powerless against currents of destiny. With this power you can shape the destiny.
"This mental Versailles is much grander than the lies you tell yourself to get through the night."
For not by numbers of men, nor by measure of body, but by valor of soul is war to be decided.
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
