Mystic Life - LTU 5

[Mystic Pymp]

Excellent epiphany

Thank you, that was indeed an inspired piece of work...

Day 23 (1)

... and I believe I need to contextualize it a little bit.

I am angry at myself for because I've gotten lazy. That is obvious and it takes little attention to notice. It's all about why I've gotten lazy.

After my previous, quite successful run of DMSI I know that I can be very productive, I can develop new habits and fight my bad ones. The issue is for that I seem to need controlled environment. In other words I need to lock myself up in my room so that I'm not bothered by other issues, mainly other human beings. So, control. I need control to grow and develop.

But life is chaotic. Outside of your comfort zone is the whirlpool or entropy we call Life. And Life is not going to sit by and wait until you're ready to leave your safe nest. It's gonna bash your door in and kick you in the balls when you least expect it.

I cannot allow myself to be a person who is only productive and happy when under controlled environment. I need to embrace the Chaos, embrace Life. My latest epiphany is proof of how I failed in that quest.

And this is where my confusion between "excuse" and "wisdom" comes in. Is my will to alienate and focus 100% on myself an act of wisdom? That would do me good, I'll lose weight faster, learn more, so better. Or is it an excuse? To pretend that I do something while my life passes by and I'll be left jaded and unforgiven?

And I... I just don't know. I wish I knew. But no matter how much I meditate, how much I dig through my motives and emotions, the truth escapes me. And when faced with the logic, given I cannot disprove "excuse" hypothesis, I must assume it true. Thus the epiphany.

What will I do with this? I don't know yet. For now I have my one last trip to do and then, starting in early September, I will have 4 months of pretty much total control over my life. This will be in autumn, the most depressing season of the year for me, so strict rules and self improvement will work great then. But what about winter? Well, I don't know. I guess I'll have to force myself and start facing life again. If all goes well by that time I will simply run out of excuses not to do it.

To see this principle in action please consider what I want concerning relationships. There is part of me who wants to have a girlfriend. You know, sex and emotions and all that goodies ^_^ And while this part grows stronger as I'm getting more and more confident and self-assured, it's suppressed by "I don't want it" part of me. Why does this part even exist? I believe it's because relationships are chaotic. They are unpredictable and they require your attention that might be better spend elsewhere. I don't need that right now so I engage in self-denial. This also might be the reason why for the love of holy cannot seem to be able to fight my masturbation habits. Between chaos of relationships and wasting your time watching women being f**ked by other men the second option almost seems like a lesser evil.

How long this bubble of Concord will hold?