Mystic Life - LTU 5

[Mystic Pymp]

Day 6 (0)

Two things before I start real talk. Strap in as this is gonna be a long ride.

First of all sorry for not posting in a couple of days. This is not a bad thing though - I wanted to post but I was either too tired or too busy with post. This means quite a lot of my ideas (especially some interesting thoughts about responsibility) will have to wait before I put them into paper. Today's topic is way too important to skip. Also it means that, well, since it's Saturday and I am completely free from both work- and social-related obligations I can post a damned wall of text on you to repent for not posting in some time.

Second thing is that there will be some sources needed to understand my musings. To get full picture I ask you to listen to "The Truth is out There" by Sonata Arctica (and to listen to them in general, there are great Finnish band!) and to read "Tsirelsyn's Bound" (just google it, you'll find it easily) which on the first glance is little more than Elder Scrolls-related fan fiction, but it touches some extremely interesting ideas and is simply genius in literally sense. Just as a side note - both these sources used to hold great importance for me and now it's more nostalgia factor than anything else, but are useful to express what I thing nevertheless.

Confusion is the key (or at least the keyword of this post)

I'll be honest with you - I feel confused. I mark this confusion from my return from Japan and start of the new run of LTU.

I don't like being confused. Both the long and the text come from time when I was in perpetual state of a broken heart or in some sort of unstable, terrified to see what the following two days will bring kind of relationship. This confusion is different but this is what this state of uncertainty reminds me of - broken heart and lack of security.

Uncertainty is the seat of understanding. Confusion is the throne of love.

For me confusion comes from experience (and love is surely one helluva experience) which changes your outlook on life. Entire framework of who you are needs to be transformed. This is not pleasant thing to do. When you fell like you have to question everything and nothing is certain you might as well just... give up? In all cases though I refused to give up. Foundations might have been shaken but I would always rebuilt everything from scratch, absorbing newly learnt knowledge but keeping much of what of tried and true. That is maybe why I never succeeded in love? I always bring my old baggage to the equation instead of trying something truly new. It's no matter for current considerations but an interesting idea nonetheless.

It is in the word itself. Confusion: with fusion. With the Coming-Together. With love. To be confused is to be with love.

This time it's different. If confusion means "to be with love" then my current confusion springs from my love for myself.

Let me try to explain this as clearly as I can. For the most of my life I've been down-to-earth realist. Even after I've experienced things I cannot explain with hard logic, truly magical stuff, I would still rather hand wave these ideas. I would entertain some ideas like LOA or esoteric ideas in general but it would end at this. Entertaining the ideas. First run of LTU 5 pushed me hard to research into mysticism and other things I'm scared to talk about due to Rule 4 (read my journal goddammit, it's all in there) and there have been some interesting stuff. You know, coincidences which were not just random chance. Feeling which could not be dismissed and came true.

But that was that. Fun. Now though?

The truth is out there.
Somewhere between two fairy tales

Like the "Letter..." as well as many psychologists claim "we are all many people". This, from my experience is true. However I would always try to see things from the perspective of the conscious "me". To understand via his lens. And this is not a bad approach, it's certainly the most obvious one. However it's like looking inside through the window. It keeps you sane though. Now, possibly because of LTU, possibly some other variable, I seem to be much more fine-tuned to my subconscious. Let's call it intuition for lack of a better word.

I seem to notice more. To see more. I've always been "mister contingency plan" but now I'm really great at anticipating various outcomes. I cannot really remember the last time something did not go my way or I wasn't prepared for a possibility of thing not going my way. And I don't need to think or question it - I just do it, following my Will. Not to mention things really go my way. When I know I really, truly want something without any buts of ifs I can be sure I will get it. And if I don't I quickly realize I did not want it as much. And it's more than just justification of failure, it's something deeper.

That's the crux of the matter. My Will. Normally you fell what is right but you get what you Want from your conscious. Now I get this from my Intuition. Which is strange as is goes to great length to support my weight loss but does nothing to support NoFap, among other things. At any rate following this Intuition costs me nothing and provides much benefit. Conscious is lazy, subconscious is not - if there was one profit from LTU that would be enough to be honest.

I comes to a point when I don't even want things I want "consciously". From my experience when I play with LOA or whatever I enter into territory I can best name as:

Be careful what you wish - you may regret it;
Be careful what you wish - you just might get it!
(Damn, I love Metallica's "King Nothing"!!!)

With my subconscious will I've never experienced this problem. Like I said, if there are ifs and buts simply nothing happens so I'm safe of unforeseen consequences. And it keeps me from any bad consequences. So my Intuition tells me to just go with the flow, play with the cards I'm given and trust.

This doesn't help with confusion but it gives me... security? Closure? I don't know how to call it. At an rate I cannot think but wonder everything is gonna be fine. And sure this experience makes me fell a little bit like a passenger on the back seat, maybe not an observer but an apprentice not yet trusted with prized tools.

I'm fine with as long as two conditions are met. Whatever happens I (the conscious me) have to take responsibility for it all. If I for some reason, due to my Intuition, hurt someone or whatever, it's mine responsibility and I cannot escape this. There will be no sudden "waking up". I might go with the flow but I cannot let it lead me astray. And also I should still strife towards my own goal. My Intuition might not care about NoFap but it does not mean I have free reign and I can spend hours on some porn sites. Following Will of my subconscious makes things easier but it does not mean any and all hard work is out of my hands. I ought to be wiser than that!