I'll share something I feel pained about, as LTU is changing me.
I got off the phone 10 minutes ago with my sister about the upcoming service for my deceased Mom. My sister is still very, very rough emotionally, spilling her anger out in big and mostly small ways. And it REPELS me. I didn't mention that, as she barely heard what I said when I did speak.
I'm torn, and I feel kind of guilty for wanting to toss away my sister. She's noone I'd want to be friends with, for one reason: she shits on herself and all her past emotional pain, which has her dismissing me whenever I'm honest with her. She bulldozes her own tenderness, and thus mine too. Like she's trying to be some kind of emotional Marine by shitting on her humanity. I honor Marines, but she (not a Marine) acts insane. Black or white. All or nothing, Good or BAD. No grey exists. Just fear and avoided pain. Fear and avoided pain.
I think I feel guilty since I've done the exact same. Pain will repeat itself until one listens to the message. And it was my own "normal" too. Being around her is equivalent to me.......shitting on myself. I don't LIKE being around her.
But since I'm not completely in her emotional chaos, I'll ask--am I missing something?
She's not emotionally well. Lying to herself is normal. She's still grieving losing her daughter in November to suicide. I know! She's really trying to GRASP on to me since I was the closest one to her growing up. She told my ex last week she'd "watch out for him, since he needs me." Sweet, but not desired at all.
And for the record, being honest with her invites more anger from her than anything else. I want to communicate this to her. A letter? I know that's preferable, as when I spoke to her on the phone, she'd begin replying when I was only halfway through my sentence.
"Sis, shut up! I need to share something....." No, I didn't say that.
A letter might work best. I'll open myself here if anyone has any ideas about this.
Damn. I got all wrapped up in her fear ride. She whipped me up, and whipped me down, me attempting rationality when a good "STOP!!!!" might have worked. <----- Wow. I could do that, I could speak forcefully to her. I'm finding some tools to fight a person in rampant denial. I'd completely avoided confrontation. I'll hang on to this.
I got off the phone 10 minutes ago with my sister about the upcoming service for my deceased Mom. My sister is still very, very rough emotionally, spilling her anger out in big and mostly small ways. And it REPELS me. I didn't mention that, as she barely heard what I said when I did speak.
I'm torn, and I feel kind of guilty for wanting to toss away my sister. She's noone I'd want to be friends with, for one reason: she shits on herself and all her past emotional pain, which has her dismissing me whenever I'm honest with her. She bulldozes her own tenderness, and thus mine too. Like she's trying to be some kind of emotional Marine by shitting on her humanity. I honor Marines, but she (not a Marine) acts insane. Black or white. All or nothing, Good or BAD. No grey exists. Just fear and avoided pain. Fear and avoided pain.
I think I feel guilty since I've done the exact same. Pain will repeat itself until one listens to the message. And it was my own "normal" too. Being around her is equivalent to me.......shitting on myself. I don't LIKE being around her.
But since I'm not completely in her emotional chaos, I'll ask--am I missing something?
She's not emotionally well. Lying to herself is normal. She's still grieving losing her daughter in November to suicide. I know! She's really trying to GRASP on to me since I was the closest one to her growing up. She told my ex last week she'd "watch out for him, since he needs me." Sweet, but not desired at all.
And for the record, being honest with her invites more anger from her than anything else. I want to communicate this to her. A letter? I know that's preferable, as when I spoke to her on the phone, she'd begin replying when I was only halfway through my sentence.
"Sis, shut up! I need to share something....." No, I didn't say that.
A letter might work best. I'll open myself here if anyone has any ideas about this.
Damn. I got all wrapped up in her fear ride. She whipped me up, and whipped me down, me attempting rationality when a good "STOP!!!!" might have worked. <----- Wow. I could do that, I could speak forcefully to her. I'm finding some tools to fight a person in rampant denial. I'd completely avoided confrontation. I'll hang on to this.
I want to be FREE!
