07-02-2019, 02:43 PM
(This post was last modified: 07-02-2019, 02:43 PM by Mystic Pymp.)
Day 71 (0)
This will be hard to write as there is metric crap tonne of anxiety connected to this topic. However, I feel like I have to do this, however stupid or silly it is.
OK, so today at work I stumbled upon my old sweetheart. It's topic old as hell, I met her 7 years ago or so, fell in love with her HARD and while it subsided with time once you love somebody you cannot really stop loving them (I find it hard to explain, it's more like those you love become part of you and you cannot simply rip that part from yourself. It's not "love", it's something else). At any rate nothing came out of it, she was in a long distance relationship and I (wrongly) thought I could be there for her where nobody was for me. Long story short I was rejected, I tried to push myself towards her, got rejected even harder, realized my hopeless situation, cried a little and tried to put myself together. This brought me to this forum and my run of (back then state-of-the-art) LTU 3. Since then I came a loooong way, from a love sick child to a man I have improved in pretty much every area of my life.
Why do I say this? Because after I stumbled upon her I didn't think much about it. In fact it was not the first time in recent times I did and nothing came of this. I pay her no mind, except for exchange of "hellos" on the corridors I seek no contact with her. I don't long for her, I'm not interested in what's going on in her life. Any such feelings are quickly killed by the reminder of the disdain she showed me the last time I tried this 3-4 years ago, disdain cause by my abhorrent behavior.
However, when I came back home something strange happened. I was doing one of my "what I truly want" exercises and within a second she sprung into my find. And when that happened I cannot remember the last time I felt such unrequited love. Which is just so puzzling and strange. First of all I don't truly "want" her as if the are "buts" and "howevers" aplenty in my considerations. The "disdain" part is by far the most important - I feel like even if I tried I wouldn't be able to get back in touch with her because she disdains me and she simply would not allow me, killing any attempt with cold but polite response. And don't forget I fell for her 7 years ago and I practically had no contact with her for 6 years. I've changed in this time and so did she I'm sure. If I have any feelings for her, those are for her as I remember her from way-back-when, not the real her.
It's gonna be fun to observe my own feelings and experiences around this topic. I might do some spooky law of attraction based stuff on her but I did try this in the past and it was failing. In fact while visualizing about her in the past I felt as if someone was choking me. This is surprising as it was happening pretty much every time (or at least every time after some stage of visualization) while I don't think I've ever experienced something like that with any other person as my focus. So I don't think doing such a spooky stuff would be wise.
This will be hard to write as there is metric crap tonne of anxiety connected to this topic. However, I feel like I have to do this, however stupid or silly it is.
OK, so today at work I stumbled upon my old sweetheart. It's topic old as hell, I met her 7 years ago or so, fell in love with her HARD and while it subsided with time once you love somebody you cannot really stop loving them (I find it hard to explain, it's more like those you love become part of you and you cannot simply rip that part from yourself. It's not "love", it's something else). At any rate nothing came out of it, she was in a long distance relationship and I (wrongly) thought I could be there for her where nobody was for me. Long story short I was rejected, I tried to push myself towards her, got rejected even harder, realized my hopeless situation, cried a little and tried to put myself together. This brought me to this forum and my run of (back then state-of-the-art) LTU 3. Since then I came a loooong way, from a love sick child to a man I have improved in pretty much every area of my life.
Why do I say this? Because after I stumbled upon her I didn't think much about it. In fact it was not the first time in recent times I did and nothing came of this. I pay her no mind, except for exchange of "hellos" on the corridors I seek no contact with her. I don't long for her, I'm not interested in what's going on in her life. Any such feelings are quickly killed by the reminder of the disdain she showed me the last time I tried this 3-4 years ago, disdain cause by my abhorrent behavior.
However, when I came back home something strange happened. I was doing one of my "what I truly want" exercises and within a second she sprung into my find. And when that happened I cannot remember the last time I felt such unrequited love. Which is just so puzzling and strange. First of all I don't truly "want" her as if the are "buts" and "howevers" aplenty in my considerations. The "disdain" part is by far the most important - I feel like even if I tried I wouldn't be able to get back in touch with her because she disdains me and she simply would not allow me, killing any attempt with cold but polite response. And don't forget I fell for her 7 years ago and I practically had no contact with her for 6 years. I've changed in this time and so did she I'm sure. If I have any feelings for her, those are for her as I remember her from way-back-when, not the real her.
It's gonna be fun to observe my own feelings and experiences around this topic. I might do some spooky law of attraction based stuff on her but I did try this in the past and it was failing. In fact while visualizing about her in the past I felt as if someone was choking me. This is surprising as it was happening pretty much every time (or at least every time after some stage of visualization) while I don't think I've ever experienced something like that with any other person as my focus. So I don't think doing such a spooky stuff would be wise.
For not by numbers of men, nor by measure of body, but by valor of soul is war to be decided.
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
