06-27-2019, 11:39 AM
Day 66 (0)
Today I've managed to complete my long sought for half-marathon walk. In previous post when I was saying "I've done x km walk" what I really meant was "I did 14km here and 8km there and add to that my step-counting app which I turn off when I'm using endomondo and I end up with sum total of x km". But now I have, for the first time since January last year, completed proper 21km walk. I'm tired and proud, I've paid the price with grazes on my thighs, but it was worth it. This also, sadly, means that I will slowly start cutting down on my walking habit. In the long run it's not sustainable, it takes way too long and leaves me exhausted. I will obviously still walk daily, but I'll try to cut it down to 10km/day. That is if my obsessive-compulsive nature will allow it, it's just as likely I will still try to make one better for the foreseeable future until it becomes unsustainable.
Some notes/thoughts about weight loss. Today I discovered in the app I'm using to track my weight that there is neat weekly and monthly summary. According to it I've lost 3.45kg this month. This number is calculated by averaging given months and then subtracting the numbers (so basically average(June)-average(May)). This is great news and great number but it's skewed as my late May weight loss bonanza contributes more to June than to May in this calculation. On the other hand taking weights from a certain dates and subtracting these is not reliable as weight fluctuates. At the end of the day this app offers summaries of weeks as well and I'll use these summaries to guesstimate my weight loss.
Quick calculation gives me around 2kg lost this month, which I'm happy with as this was exactly my goal. My pessimistic whining from a couple days back seems thus to be unjustified. Then again, it shows something sad and scary. I know I want to be loosing 2kg/month but I feel insecure of I don't do better than that. One thing is fear of stagnation of yo-yo effect as I was experiencing it in the past. The other is (more or less hiding) hate of myself for being fat.
I'm BMI 27.6 right now. Certainly not slim but not obese either. The problem is I've always been fat. And I'm scared I'll always be fat. Especially now, when for the first time in a while I'm actually losing weight and if I keep going with this I will get my goal weight by the end of the year! But I have this tendency not to change my outlook of who I am. For example I've lost my virginity 3 years ago and I've slept with 2 women in my life. And still, when I think about myself, I think of myself as a virgin and sexual failure. This is not fair assessment but this is how I think deep down.
That makes me worried. What if now that I have successes and I know it's possible, I try to hard to lose weight? What if I won't be able to stop or I will somehow damage myself in the process, for example by exhausting myself? How can I know where to draw the line? And sure, that line is thick, but it's not that thick when you try to be as close to the edge as possible.
So far I'm optimistic, 2-4kg/month, whichever number you take, is safe. I need to lose about 15kg for my goal, so there is a lot of time left till I achieve this goal. By that time a lot of things may happen, maybe I'll be to overloaded with other stuff to think about this topic. Maybe I'll simply lose interest in weight loss when I'll feel comfortable with my body? We'll see.
One more thing, internet says different things on these topics so maybe some of you might give me an answer. Does walking build up muscle? Especially long, 10+km walks like mine, which do leave me with elevated heart rate after the walk? And especially when I do try to exercise my upper body and abdomen by doing something more akin to march than simple walk? My guess would be yes, but to limited extend. So that, for example, in the past 2 months I've lost 6kg and gained 0.5kg of muscle. I'm way too lazy to do some serious calculations. The thing is I'd be nice to have a rule of thumb on the topic. And I do think my legs and upper body are getting stronger, for sure I get tired less as time progresses which is sure indicator that something is happening with my muscles.
And before you ask no, I don't want to bulk and I never found it attractive. I was always more interested in muscular but slim types, imagine your average runner athlete or, even better example, Bruce Lee. Be like water my friend.
Today I've managed to complete my long sought for half-marathon walk. In previous post when I was saying "I've done x km walk" what I really meant was "I did 14km here and 8km there and add to that my step-counting app which I turn off when I'm using endomondo and I end up with sum total of x km". But now I have, for the first time since January last year, completed proper 21km walk. I'm tired and proud, I've paid the price with grazes on my thighs, but it was worth it. This also, sadly, means that I will slowly start cutting down on my walking habit. In the long run it's not sustainable, it takes way too long and leaves me exhausted. I will obviously still walk daily, but I'll try to cut it down to 10km/day. That is if my obsessive-compulsive nature will allow it, it's just as likely I will still try to make one better for the foreseeable future until it becomes unsustainable.
Some notes/thoughts about weight loss. Today I discovered in the app I'm using to track my weight that there is neat weekly and monthly summary. According to it I've lost 3.45kg this month. This number is calculated by averaging given months and then subtracting the numbers (so basically average(June)-average(May)). This is great news and great number but it's skewed as my late May weight loss bonanza contributes more to June than to May in this calculation. On the other hand taking weights from a certain dates and subtracting these is not reliable as weight fluctuates. At the end of the day this app offers summaries of weeks as well and I'll use these summaries to guesstimate my weight loss.
Quick calculation gives me around 2kg lost this month, which I'm happy with as this was exactly my goal. My pessimistic whining from a couple days back seems thus to be unjustified. Then again, it shows something sad and scary. I know I want to be loosing 2kg/month but I feel insecure of I don't do better than that. One thing is fear of stagnation of yo-yo effect as I was experiencing it in the past. The other is (more or less hiding) hate of myself for being fat.
I'm BMI 27.6 right now. Certainly not slim but not obese either. The problem is I've always been fat. And I'm scared I'll always be fat. Especially now, when for the first time in a while I'm actually losing weight and if I keep going with this I will get my goal weight by the end of the year! But I have this tendency not to change my outlook of who I am. For example I've lost my virginity 3 years ago and I've slept with 2 women in my life. And still, when I think about myself, I think of myself as a virgin and sexual failure. This is not fair assessment but this is how I think deep down.
That makes me worried. What if now that I have successes and I know it's possible, I try to hard to lose weight? What if I won't be able to stop or I will somehow damage myself in the process, for example by exhausting myself? How can I know where to draw the line? And sure, that line is thick, but it's not that thick when you try to be as close to the edge as possible.
So far I'm optimistic, 2-4kg/month, whichever number you take, is safe. I need to lose about 15kg for my goal, so there is a lot of time left till I achieve this goal. By that time a lot of things may happen, maybe I'll be to overloaded with other stuff to think about this topic. Maybe I'll simply lose interest in weight loss when I'll feel comfortable with my body? We'll see.
One more thing, internet says different things on these topics so maybe some of you might give me an answer. Does walking build up muscle? Especially long, 10+km walks like mine, which do leave me with elevated heart rate after the walk? And especially when I do try to exercise my upper body and abdomen by doing something more akin to march than simple walk? My guess would be yes, but to limited extend. So that, for example, in the past 2 months I've lost 6kg and gained 0.5kg of muscle. I'm way too lazy to do some serious calculations. The thing is I'd be nice to have a rule of thumb on the topic. And I do think my legs and upper body are getting stronger, for sure I get tired less as time progresses which is sure indicator that something is happening with my muscles.
And before you ask no, I don't want to bulk and I never found it attractive. I was always more interested in muscular but slim types, imagine your average runner athlete or, even better example, Bruce Lee. Be like water my friend.
For not by numbers of men, nor by measure of body, but by valor of soul is war to be decided.
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
