06-26-2019, 02:41 PM
Day 65 (2)
Quite a good day. I've been quite productive at work and I've had another day of long walks. Today I've done almost 28km in total so almost 5 hours of walking. In fact in the last 5 days I've walked 128km. And given current temperatures this is amazing accomplishment, the fact that I have strength to do this is astonishing.
One reason, beside weight loss efforts, for my long walks are podcasts I listen to. Amount of knowledge I absorb this way is enormous and I have fun doing this. My flatmate pointed out how weird this is that I can listen for 5 hours on some topic. I think LTU is to blame for this. My sincere belief is that knowledge is the best thing person can have. One might take away all your money and possessions, but nobody can take away what you've learned. The only problem is the topics I study this way don't really contribute to anything useful in my life right now. I'm sure I'll find it useful somewhere down the line. In fact me joking about that uselessness of this habit made my flatmate propose me meeting that girl I mentioned yesterday. Again, I doubt this will go anywhere, but I will keep on listening to my podcasts for all the benefits it gives me. If anything it motivates me to walk and I don't think I'd ever be a bad idea.
The only problem I find with this is that I'm no longer driven to meditate during walking. In the past something I'd call "walking Zen" was my main way to process my thoughts. Now I occupy myself my podcasts so there is little room for my thoughts to just fly around. Obviously I can turn them off for a second but then I full uneasy. I was doing something like that this week 2 or 3 times, but only for very emotional stuff. Calmer meditation would be harder for me nowadays.
My ear is finally fine, I'm done with my week of antibiotics and I still use ear drops just to be safe, but nothing hurts me and I don't need painkillers anymore. However, there is a new problem. Due to heat it's hard for me to fall asleep. Last night I had only 3 hours of sleep and I contemplate not even wasting my time tonight. In the past I'd deal with this issue by simply moving into owl-like lifestyle, I'd go to bed at sunrise and wake up around noon for the lunch at my parents'. Now however I want to wake up early to go to work and be productive. The most surprising thing is that due to my hiking I should be exhausted and fall asleep easily. But it's not the case.
Last thing - an observation. I often talk here about my uncertainty with relationship - do I want to be in one or not? I know why I don't want to: I have more time for myself, I'm less vulnerable emotionally and I can focus all my attention on myself and my goals without using another for excuses. But there's part of me longing for it and possibly the most important reason why is fear of missing out. I'm not old but I'm no teenagers either. One might say I'm in my prime right now. And so this is time to experience, to try things out and it includes relationships. There is part of me believing that if I don't date now there will be things I will miss out forever. I know it's not true, from the research on Alpha Male/Redpill/Don Juan/whatever communities I was doing years ago I know man can enter the game late no problem. The problem is believe that I'd not be able, that it's now, in my 20's, or never.
This is not the only toxic belief, arguments can me made that my arguments "against" don't hold too much water either. At the end of the day it all comes down to personal choice. I'd just wish I could make such a choice without being torn inside. I'd almost wish I was heartbroken or jaded so I'd not look back. But I'm not jaded, I've forgiven and I'm grateful.
Last last thing. I was trying to visualize my Will during my meditations and the picture that came out was Interstellar-like black hole with colorful orbits and auras around it. I even had flashbacks to the scene from the movie when Matthew McSomething uses dimension bending inside the black hole to send messages to his daughter. This happened when I tried to enter my own black hole, mostly to see what will happen. I wonder why the black hole and why there were those auras and orbits, absent in the movie.
Quite a good day. I've been quite productive at work and I've had another day of long walks. Today I've done almost 28km in total so almost 5 hours of walking. In fact in the last 5 days I've walked 128km. And given current temperatures this is amazing accomplishment, the fact that I have strength to do this is astonishing.
One reason, beside weight loss efforts, for my long walks are podcasts I listen to. Amount of knowledge I absorb this way is enormous and I have fun doing this. My flatmate pointed out how weird this is that I can listen for 5 hours on some topic. I think LTU is to blame for this. My sincere belief is that knowledge is the best thing person can have. One might take away all your money and possessions, but nobody can take away what you've learned. The only problem is the topics I study this way don't really contribute to anything useful in my life right now. I'm sure I'll find it useful somewhere down the line. In fact me joking about that uselessness of this habit made my flatmate propose me meeting that girl I mentioned yesterday. Again, I doubt this will go anywhere, but I will keep on listening to my podcasts for all the benefits it gives me. If anything it motivates me to walk and I don't think I'd ever be a bad idea.
The only problem I find with this is that I'm no longer driven to meditate during walking. In the past something I'd call "walking Zen" was my main way to process my thoughts. Now I occupy myself my podcasts so there is little room for my thoughts to just fly around. Obviously I can turn them off for a second but then I full uneasy. I was doing something like that this week 2 or 3 times, but only for very emotional stuff. Calmer meditation would be harder for me nowadays.
My ear is finally fine, I'm done with my week of antibiotics and I still use ear drops just to be safe, but nothing hurts me and I don't need painkillers anymore. However, there is a new problem. Due to heat it's hard for me to fall asleep. Last night I had only 3 hours of sleep and I contemplate not even wasting my time tonight. In the past I'd deal with this issue by simply moving into owl-like lifestyle, I'd go to bed at sunrise and wake up around noon for the lunch at my parents'. Now however I want to wake up early to go to work and be productive. The most surprising thing is that due to my hiking I should be exhausted and fall asleep easily. But it's not the case.
Last thing - an observation. I often talk here about my uncertainty with relationship - do I want to be in one or not? I know why I don't want to: I have more time for myself, I'm less vulnerable emotionally and I can focus all my attention on myself and my goals without using another for excuses. But there's part of me longing for it and possibly the most important reason why is fear of missing out. I'm not old but I'm no teenagers either. One might say I'm in my prime right now. And so this is time to experience, to try things out and it includes relationships. There is part of me believing that if I don't date now there will be things I will miss out forever. I know it's not true, from the research on Alpha Male/Redpill/Don Juan/whatever communities I was doing years ago I know man can enter the game late no problem. The problem is believe that I'd not be able, that it's now, in my 20's, or never.
This is not the only toxic belief, arguments can me made that my arguments "against" don't hold too much water either. At the end of the day it all comes down to personal choice. I'd just wish I could make such a choice without being torn inside. I'd almost wish I was heartbroken or jaded so I'd not look back. But I'm not jaded, I've forgiven and I'm grateful.
Last last thing. I was trying to visualize my Will during my meditations and the picture that came out was Interstellar-like black hole with colorful orbits and auras around it. I even had flashbacks to the scene from the movie when Matthew McSomething uses dimension bending inside the black hole to send messages to his daughter. This happened when I tried to enter my own black hole, mostly to see what will happen. I wonder why the black hole and why there were those auras and orbits, absent in the movie.
For not by numbers of men, nor by measure of body, but by valor of soul is war to be decided.
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
