06-23-2019, 05:53 PM
I just had a, why am I doing this to myself moment. So today was my day back from my business trip. I started it off with 2 cups of coffee. Then I got a huge iced coffee from dunkin donuts later. I found myself wondering, what am I running from? I am running, that's what this excessive caffeine intake was. Maybe being on my business trip was like a break from reality. Yeah it was work, but I was somewhere different and in a separate environment. I came home and as much as it was a relief to be back it hit me that I'm back to a life I don't like.
So anyway I felt I messed up by ingesting all that caffeine and derailing LTU. So I felt like crap. And I've done this before and I don't like it, but sometimes I don't give my body food as punishment for messing up in some way. I'll be hungry but I don't give myself food. I guess that's anorexia. It's not a body image thing, I guess it's just a type of punishment like I said. Which leads me to my next train of thought.
I really struggle with treating myself well. I look back on a car accident I had a few years back and it might have been more of a suicide attempt. Maybe not a fully conscious decision, but there was an underlying thought of "I don't care what happens to me". I really want to change, I do. But I'm so devoid of care and respect for myself. I've been trying to build a house on such shaky foundation. Everything has been me doing stuff to get better so I don't dislike myself as much. But it's so backwards. It's starts with caring for myself first, not creating conditions for why I deserve it and making it conditional. But it's so much easier said than done.
I've been reading a lot of LOA/ new thought books, trying to turn my perspective around and improve my life. I'm at a point where I just want to chuck them all at the wall and scream. I've yet to read ANY book, that's been life changing. Sometimes it feels like the challenges I've been given aren't even covered by the authors anyway. Or if they go into it, it's very briefly and it's a shallow platitude that holds no weight. It's what I'd call false epiphanies or breakthroughs. When you read a book and the concept SEEMS like it could change things or it holds this untapped knowledge or you just need to understand it more. I find most books on anything having to do with self improvement long, full of filler, trying to explain a concept that's more of a state of being. I like to be open minded, but I might be closing the door on any of this type of stuff soon. It seems like 90% of it is redundant and rehashed material and it's not the knowledge or understanding that's missing, but the being part.
I mean good thing I have the subliminals to aid me in journey. If I could only solely rely on whatever self improvement stuff is out there I might have been screwed. But as a whole I honestly feel like I'm dealing with stuff most people never even touch on. Maybe that's just my biased perspective. Maybe that's how everyone feels about their problems.
So anyway I felt I messed up by ingesting all that caffeine and derailing LTU. So I felt like crap. And I've done this before and I don't like it, but sometimes I don't give my body food as punishment for messing up in some way. I'll be hungry but I don't give myself food. I guess that's anorexia. It's not a body image thing, I guess it's just a type of punishment like I said. Which leads me to my next train of thought.
I really struggle with treating myself well. I look back on a car accident I had a few years back and it might have been more of a suicide attempt. Maybe not a fully conscious decision, but there was an underlying thought of "I don't care what happens to me". I really want to change, I do. But I'm so devoid of care and respect for myself. I've been trying to build a house on such shaky foundation. Everything has been me doing stuff to get better so I don't dislike myself as much. But it's so backwards. It's starts with caring for myself first, not creating conditions for why I deserve it and making it conditional. But it's so much easier said than done.
I've been reading a lot of LOA/ new thought books, trying to turn my perspective around and improve my life. I'm at a point where I just want to chuck them all at the wall and scream. I've yet to read ANY book, that's been life changing. Sometimes it feels like the challenges I've been given aren't even covered by the authors anyway. Or if they go into it, it's very briefly and it's a shallow platitude that holds no weight. It's what I'd call false epiphanies or breakthroughs. When you read a book and the concept SEEMS like it could change things or it holds this untapped knowledge or you just need to understand it more. I find most books on anything having to do with self improvement long, full of filler, trying to explain a concept that's more of a state of being. I like to be open minded, but I might be closing the door on any of this type of stuff soon. It seems like 90% of it is redundant and rehashed material and it's not the knowledge or understanding that's missing, but the being part.
I mean good thing I have the subliminals to aid me in journey. If I could only solely rely on whatever self improvement stuff is out there I might have been screwed. But as a whole I honestly feel like I'm dealing with stuff most people never even touch on. Maybe that's just my biased perspective. Maybe that's how everyone feels about their problems.
INFP
