LTU: Moving forward

[mat422]

Very interesting, thanks for the insight.

[mat422]

Get to go home tomorrow. I'm legit holding back tears from this trip. I dont really know anymore what's wrong with me. Lately I have nothing to say to people. It's like a wall between me and the outside world. I rarely connect anymore. It's just coworkers right? No big deal? But when I'm around people this long I inevitably get poked and prodded at for why I'm like this. I get quiet, people take offense sometimes or misunderstand me and then I look like the asshole vs them not taking the time to understand where I'm coming from.

I don't know, something stung being here. It felt like being back in high school. But overall I feel like I kind of still struggle with stuff and most people don't understand. And it's frustrating as hell trying to just exist and be when it feels like I can't even do that.

Outside looking in. That's been my life story. Other people getting something I don't. I felt like I just reverted to my old shy self this week. It's one thing to be quiet by choice, but when it's this awkward insecure type thing man people just pick that shit apart.

Although one really drunk dude i was working with told me. "You're cool, but you're trying not to be cool." So maybe people see stuff in me I don't.

[mat422]

Went to the bar with coworkers last night. Got drunk. Everyone liked me better when I was drunk, the end. In all seriousness though, I feel like under the influence of alcohol I'm more of myself. Still trying to figure out how to do that when I'm sober. And no before you start worrying I'm not the type of person to start getting drunk at every opportunity to fit in better. I know what kind of slippery slope that is.

[Have at ye]

Yeah, ingrained blockages in social behavior acquired in the process of faulty socialization, I guess. I used to be this when I was in my teens/early twenties - I'd have to get seriously inebriated at parties and such (and, as I'm a proverbial big guy, this required a lot of alcohol... I'd often drink at least 0,5l of vodka by myself to do this) in order to have fun the way I wanted to have it (and, man, those were some pretty good parties.... for what I can remember of them! No skirt was safe). Until I got a load on, people would perceive me as kinda grim and scary, or not enjoying myself.

[mat422]

Damn, that's a lot of vodka. I take it this isn't an issue anymore and you grew out of it?

[Have at ye]

Of course, I'd probably be dead by now if I didn't.

[mat422]

Of course, I'd probably be dead by now if I didn't.

Haha, I meant the ingrained blockages holding you back. I was 100 percent certain you weren't still knocking back 0.5 liters of vodka.

[Have at ye]

Most of the time. Depends on the situation, really. F. in. I do still get somewhat grumpy in situations which could be considered "showbiz networking", but that depends on how confident I feel on any given day, really.

Parties and such? Not really. Though I'm not what one would consider a "social butterfly", I do not experience anxiety because of it anymore.

[mat422]

I just had a, why am I doing this to myself moment. So today was my day back from my business trip. I started it off with 2 cups of coffee. Then I got a huge iced coffee from dunkin donuts later. I found myself wondering, what am I running from? I am running, that's what this excessive caffeine intake was. Maybe being on my business trip was like a break from reality. Yeah it was work, but I was somewhere different and in a separate environment. I came home and as much as it was a relief to be back it hit me that I'm back to a life I don't like.

So anyway I felt I messed up by ingesting all that caffeine and derailing LTU. So I felt like crap. And I've done this before and I don't like it, but sometimes I don't give my body food as punishment for messing up in some way. I'll be hungry but I don't give myself food. I guess that's anorexia. It's not a body image thing, I guess it's just a type of punishment like I said. Which leads me to my next train of thought.

I really struggle with treating myself well. I look back on a car accident I had a few years back and it might have been more of a suicide attempt. Maybe not a fully conscious decision, but there was an underlying thought of "I don't care what happens to me". I really want to change, I do. But I'm so devoid of care and respect for myself. I've been trying to build a house on such shaky foundation. Everything has been me doing stuff to get better so I don't dislike myself as much. But it's so backwards. It's starts with caring for myself first, not creating conditions for why I deserve it and making it conditional. But it's so much easier said than done.

I've been reading a lot of LOA/ new thought books, trying to turn my perspective around and improve my life. I'm at a point where I just want to chuck them all at the wall and scream. I've yet to read ANY book, that's been life changing. Sometimes it feels like the challenges I've been given aren't even covered by the authors anyway. Or if they go into it, it's very briefly and it's a shallow platitude that holds no weight. It's what I'd call false epiphanies or breakthroughs. When you read a book and the concept SEEMS like it could change things or it holds this untapped knowledge or you just need to understand it more. I find most books on anything having to do with self improvement long, full of filler, trying to explain a concept that's more of a state of being. I like to be open minded, but I might be closing the door on any of this type of stuff soon. It seems like 90% of it is redundant and rehashed material and it's not the knowledge or understanding that's missing, but the being part.

I mean good thing I have the subliminals to aid me in journey. If I could only solely rely on whatever self improvement stuff is out there I might have been screwed. But as a whole I honestly feel like I'm dealing with stuff most people never even touch on. Maybe that's just my biased perspective. Maybe that's how everyone feels about their problems.

[mat422]

Thing I'm noticing. The more the real me gets pulled out and on the surface, the more I dissociate from it. Last night as I was lying in bed listening to LTU I started feeling like I was nobody, I didn't exist, that I was empty or devoid of anything that makes me human. I realized today this is how I distance myself from the parts of myself I fear bringing to the surface. I guess I'd rather not exist vs exposing my true self to the world. Basically I went in the exact opposite of self love, I tried to shrink myself down more and more to nothing. I've had a habit of this is the past too.

[Shannon]

It strikes me that LTU5 is making progress with you, and the more progress it makes, the harder you are trying to derail it.  The above two posts both scream that to me.  One is trying to derail it with rejecting ideas, and one is disassociation.  

I find most books on anything having to do with self improvement long, full of filler, trying to explain a concept that's more of a state of being. I like to be open minded, but I might be closing the door on any of this type of stuff soon. It seems like 90% of it is redundant and rehashed material and it's not the knowledge or understanding that's missing, but the being part.

When I have taught LOA stuff, the biggest issue I always face is that tipping point where the person I'm trying to teach has a hard time wrapping their mind around what it is that is necessary to make that last step.  This is usually a combination of fear (typically "What if it actually works?  Then I'm responsible for everything that I was able to blame on someone or something else before!") and not yet being able to comprehend the nature of the reality being explained because they're still thinking in terms of the old familiar reality and its limits ("But that's not possible/realistic/how it actually works/etc.")

It sounds to me - and please correct me if I am wrong - like you're getting the mental aspects of LOA, but the key is that you're not getting the "becoming" aspect.  Regardless, "closing the door to all this" as a reaction isn't the solution.  It's just an escape based on frustration, which is likely the result of not having the right understanding, guidance or subconscious willingness to move forward to experiencing it.

From my point of view, what it looks like I am seeing is that you're making progress with LTU5 that the parts of you that want to resist cannot stop, and as those parts lose ground, they become more and more desperate and act out in more and more extreme ways.  It is going to be important that as you make progress, you don't let yourself be talked into defeatist beliefs or escape tactics by that/those part(s) of you.

And definitely continue using LTU5 as needed on top of the standard.

Is there something I can perhaps be of assistance with in your understanding of the LOA stuff?

[mat422]

Yes you're correct Shannon, I don't get the "becoming" part. Everything you've written here confirms my own thoughts on this.

I think my biggest issue with LOA is I have trouble making the jump. But even the smallest jumps seem impossible to me. That's my biggest issue. I've read tons of books on this stuff and it's like most people just choose and it happens. I have trouble "becoming" because I can't even wrap my head around the possibility of it. Even something like having a job that pays well and I'm good at, something so minor seems hard to even imagine. I try to keep things small and believable, but it's such a small pool to draw from.

So I guess my question is, how do you bridge that gap? I feel like I'm starting so low. Even with all the subs I've run, there's a persistent part of me that holds onto a limited perspective of what's possible. I mainly want to leverage the power of LOA to build a life I can be happy with. But even with all the changes I've made and how far I've come, it feels like I barely moved with regards to what I really want in my life.

I feel like it is mostly fear. But it's very frustrating feeling stuck and that fear getting worse and worse. To the point where I almost freeze where I am and if I have a small sliver of some kind of security I cling onto it even if it won't give me the happiness I desire.

[Shannon]

Yes you're correct Shannon, I don't get the "becoming" part. Everything you've written here confirms my own thoughts on this.

I think my biggest issue with LOA is I have trouble making the jump. But even the smallest jumps seem impossible to me. That's my biggest issue. I've read tons of books on this stuff and it's like most people just choose and it happens. I have trouble "becoming" because I can't even wrap my head around the possibility of it. Even something like having a job that pays well and I'm good at, something so minor seems hard to even imagine. I try to keep things small and believable, but it's such a small pool to draw from.

What is "believable" and what is "not believable" are limits you choose.  Before I did the experiments that showed me what I used to create 5G, I was adamantly convinced that "that's not possible".  Yet not only did it turn out to be possible, it wasn't even the end of the road for what was possible - which was my next artificially limiting belief.

The fact is, what "is believable" and what "is possible" are limited ONLY by what you decide to limit them with. 

So I guess my question is, how do you bridge that gap? I feel like I'm starting so low. Even with all the subs I've run, there's a persistent part of me that holds onto a limited perspective of what's possible. I mainly want to leverage the power of LOA to build a life I can be happy with. But even with all the changes I've made and how far I've come, it feels like I barely moved with regards to what I really want in my life.

Bridging the gap comes from recognizing that there is a gap to bridge, which you have done.  Then you have to understand the root cause.  You know it's fear, but fear of what?  And why do you have that fear?  That is the killer for most people.  Why have you built a prison cell around yourself, which you refuse to exit or simply just stop creating, since you are the one who creates it every day anew?  What is it that you feel safer against while sitting in that self imposed prison?  

Then, be patient with yourself and your progress.  Remember, it wasn't too long ago that no matter what we tried, you weren't making progress!  So progress, however slow, is something to BE GRATEFUL for.

And then, dare to BE GRATEFUL for already having what you genuinely want at the conscious level.  Gratitude is an amazingly powerful thing.

I feel like it is mostly fear. But it's very frustrating feeling stuck and that fear getting worse and worse. To the point where I almost freeze where I am and if I have a small sliver of some kind of security I cling onto it even if it won't give me the happiness I desire.

I'd wager it's all fear.  But the fear isn't getting worse and worse; it's losing ground.  That's why it seems to be getting worse: because you keep inching forward to achieving the success you consciously want and need.  But it's an illusion, just like the illusion smokers are belabored by that cigarettes relieve their nicotine cravings, when in fact they actually create and re-set them, guaranteeing that they will continue.

Have you tried visualizing yourself having all of what you consciously want, including unlimited security in having that?  See what happens when you associate security with having what you want in your visualizations.

Fear is a liar.  I screams "wolf" long and loud when the "wolf" is really just a shadow on the wall - of a small ant.

[mat422]

Thanks Shannon. To be honest I've been having a hard time digging deeper to find out where these fears come from. I'll sit down and really try to figure it out then get tired or lose my train of thought. Or sometimes I'll get an answer that's not really the right answer, it's sort of a distraction by a part of me to throw me off the trail so to speak. To get me away from the real core issue. Also sometimes when I try to really investigate this fear I get this build up of anger. And then the other one is I don't make time to investigate these things. I'll keep myself busy so I don't have the opportunity. I say this not to make excuses, but whatever is tucked underneath there really does not want to be unearthed. So in theory the idea of digging deeper is straightforward, but all the derailment from my subconscious makes it very difficult to follow through.

Do you mind expanding on this?

And then, dare to BE GRATEFUL for already having what you genuinely want at the conscious level.  Gratitude is an amazingly powerful thing.

I have not tried tying security to my visualizations but I will definitely try that. It's a good point, seeing as how even when I was visualizing a lot the feeling that consumed me was usually "I don't know if I can do this/this is not safe". This also made me realize I've never really felt "secure" in my life at any point. So cultivating that feeling is probably going to be a little foreign to me.

I'm going to try harder to focus on what I want and stop letting the fear get in the way of that. I will also be more mindful of my achievements and be grateful for them. Thanks again for the help.