Mystic Life - LTU 5

[Mystic Pymp]

Day 59 (0)

I'm at a low point to be sure. Lots to talk and digest so let's get to it.

First of all - health. I went to the doctor and I got some antibiotics. I hate taking those but since it's more than just a flu I oblige. And I must admit, today when I woke up my ear wasn't hurting even though I was painkiller-free for 10 long hours of sleep. I still felt some swelling and I want to go through the treatment anyway, so I guess I'll be taking the medications for the next 5 days or so. At any rate, these are good news. From the bad news I have very low energy right now. Maybe it's just self-fulfilling prophesy of "I'm sick" so I do feel sick or maybe it's the medication. At any rate I don't feel all too well and I find it harder to concentrate than before. I do hope it will pass soon.

The reason for that is because I WANT to self-improve and I feel like a can do little in this state. I don't exercise, my weight stays at the same level since I came back home, I don't do much work or reading, in general I feel useless. I hate wasting time but at the end of the day I find I was doing only useless things because I had little strength to do otherwise. And I want this this stop. I want to be useful again, I want to improve myself, day after day, little by little. And the worst thing is I'm not sure if I'm really tired or I'm just using my ear infection as an excuse.

I tried to meditate on this. I remember some kind of arcane exercise I was doing way back when to aid healing. It's simple, pretty much all you do is calm dawn into theta brain waves or whatever and repeat phrase you want to project onto the physical world. In this case the phrase is "I will be healthy" or "I am healthy" (I was using the former). And it kind of works, I was able to say it will conviction. However, when I was saying "I want to be healthy" there was a resistance. Like there is part of me which wants to be sick. For what end, I don't know. But again my best guess is having excuses not to do things.

I visited my mom yesterday. It was her birthday so I took her for a dinner (nothing fancy though) and we went to the graveyard to my dad's grave. Lots could be said about the situation here, most of it probably too personal to share. Three things of note though. First one is that my mom doesn't cope well with this entire situation. She misses my dad and even after all this time she finds it difficult to adapt. Thankfully she's tough as rock and so when she HAS TO do something, she does it no problem. It's only when there is peace and quiet around her when things go sour. Second thing is I don't think I fully accepted what happened yet. I mean I know my dad is dead, but since I live in different city and my life goes on as it went before it, nothing major really changed. It's only when I go visit my mom when I have to face the truth and it's... uncomfortable I guess. It's not shocking or unpleasant. It's just strange, unsettling. The last thing is my mom talks a lot about various little things that happen to her and are dad-related. She says she fells or smells him sometimes (mostly in dreams) or he gives her advice or warns her when she asks him for it (kind of prayer I guess). What I find unsettling is how coherent her relations are with what I was reading recently. I have no heart to talk with her about it and as a catholic she has her own believes. I don't think anything I might say would bring her any closure. At any rate I never felt my dad in this way and in this framework it's explainable. Keep in mind though that one of her favorite movies is "Ghost" with Patrick Swayze...

The last thing but possibly most important. When I was with my mom we started talking about being adult and taking responsibility. I'm unendingly grateful and happy that my mother sees me as adult and that she's proud of me, of who I grow up to be. When I said she raised me well she laughed and said I raised myself and even if she tried I would be too stubborn to do what I'm told. At any rate many topics were touched but the most important one was my ex. Long story short she was a great, shy girl. My mother said she was a good girl. I replied "She WOULD be a good girl if she WAS". The meaning is she was never there for me and for good reason - her grandma was sick, her parent too although less so, as so she spend a lot of time around them. That would be fine if not for the fact that her parents made a slave out of her - she had no friends, no boyfriends before me (at the age of 23) while being really nice and pretty and she was physically unable to make decision for herself. The crux of the matter is that when I was arguing with her about this her response was "You don't know how it fells". I know how it feels, my bedridden grandpa was sick for a long time and I say him wither day by day when I was 10. But that's beside the point.

The point is here I am now, with my father gone, him dying with me holding his hand as it was going cold after over a month of come. Here I am, with my widower mother telling me how proud she is of me and how, even if I wanted to help her in any substantial way, she wouldn't let me. "You've got your own life. You have work and friends, you live in a city. Don't worry about your old mother, I will manage."

I know how it is. And I'm glad I let my ex go. I tried to help her, show her she can be her own self. But she wouldn't, instead following parents which are so much less understanding than mine. I want to care for those I love and I do, but I will never, ever use anyone else as a shield to my messiah out of myself and forsake what I want and what I long for. It's lazy, it's disingenuous and most importantly, my mother who loves me more than anybody else, wouldn't want me to do that. This makes me wanna cry, but I had to write this because it's true.