06-02-2019, 09:23 AM
(This post was last modified: 06-02-2019, 09:30 AM by DavisMind91.)
I’m actually taking the day off for Ltu but still experienced something highly profound. It didn’t hit me until after I woke up this morning that I had abandonment issues. That epiphany helped me realize why I seemed to have such a tough time forming and maintaining social connections and romantic relationships. I began to explore my own mind through meditation in order to discover the source of this issue.
I was lead back to my childhood 20 years ago when I had a powerful attachment to my Mother. I remembered vividly two things. One, how when she was late picking me up from school, I would become frightened because I thought either something bad had happened to her, or she simply didn’t love me anymore and decided to abandon me. She would usually be there within an hour because she got held up by something but my own childish mind sent me into a frenzy and I would simply stand right in front of the school crying. It didn’t help that the second thing I remembered is that a couple of times, my Mother actually played a prank on me and told me she was leaving me all alone in the house and never coming back. She would then proceed to walk out the door and lock it behind her. I would get so upset that I’d forget to unlock the door. I’d instead feel afraid and alone and angry. After listening to my cry by the door for a couple minutes she’d come back in the house saying it was just a joke but I’d still be angry at her for a couple hours after that.
I hadn’t even remembered any of this until today. My meditation then revealed to me the reason I may have seems to constantly have people all of a sudden up and leave me, rather it was a friend, girlfriend, etc. was because I’d formed this belief and fear that people would abandon me eventually anyway. Sure enough, I experienced that more as I grew older. In my teen years, I bothered absolutely none to be close to anyone at all and became emotionally and mentally the coldest and hardest I’ve been to date. I eventually did grow tired of being negative and broke out of that cycle around 18 years old. But from time to time I’d still experience remnants of that experience.
Now, thing is I’d never made this connection before today and held no blame or resentment towards my Mom because I didn’t remember any of this, but even remembering it, I forgave my mom because she had no idea how a simple prank, or just being late because she had to handle some business effected me. I accepted that she was completely unaware. In recent years I’ve just realized that there are multiple reasons why people come and go and so even though I had become indifferent, I had no idea that my indifference was a defense mechanism built up against my underlying abandonment issues.
During the meditation, I visualized myself going back in time and wrapping my arm around that frightened younger me, and telling him that it’s ok. I explained that mom is just a little late, but she’ll be there for him, she loves him and there are others who still love him. I let him know that he’s not alone and he’s not powerless. If he ever ran into a problem that triggered fear, there would always be a way to find a solution. He and I then traveled to the main time that I remember being locked in the house and instead of letting him get upset, I encouraged the younger me to stay strong, and aware of what was happening. He looked up and smiled back at me, asked me who I was, so I told him that I’m his future self, he thanked me. I was then Snapped back to the present and felt a sense of joy and freedom, knowing that today, I just hit a huge emotional healing milestone.
Because the source of my a abandonment issues has been healed, there wasn’t even a need to revisit any other events related to them. Even now as I’m writing this, my eyes are slightly watering, I know this is just me subconsciously releasing the last of the fear. I can now move forward in life without fear of showing love or receiving it because I know that even if things go astray, I have enough self love to get myself through anything. Feels like the E3 component really is the star of the show today. This may also be UD and USLM4 helping and assisting as well. Either way LTU5 has delivered another huge breakthrough for me.
I was lead back to my childhood 20 years ago when I had a powerful attachment to my Mother. I remembered vividly two things. One, how when she was late picking me up from school, I would become frightened because I thought either something bad had happened to her, or she simply didn’t love me anymore and decided to abandon me. She would usually be there within an hour because she got held up by something but my own childish mind sent me into a frenzy and I would simply stand right in front of the school crying. It didn’t help that the second thing I remembered is that a couple of times, my Mother actually played a prank on me and told me she was leaving me all alone in the house and never coming back. She would then proceed to walk out the door and lock it behind her. I would get so upset that I’d forget to unlock the door. I’d instead feel afraid and alone and angry. After listening to my cry by the door for a couple minutes she’d come back in the house saying it was just a joke but I’d still be angry at her for a couple hours after that.
I hadn’t even remembered any of this until today. My meditation then revealed to me the reason I may have seems to constantly have people all of a sudden up and leave me, rather it was a friend, girlfriend, etc. was because I’d formed this belief and fear that people would abandon me eventually anyway. Sure enough, I experienced that more as I grew older. In my teen years, I bothered absolutely none to be close to anyone at all and became emotionally and mentally the coldest and hardest I’ve been to date. I eventually did grow tired of being negative and broke out of that cycle around 18 years old. But from time to time I’d still experience remnants of that experience.
Now, thing is I’d never made this connection before today and held no blame or resentment towards my Mom because I didn’t remember any of this, but even remembering it, I forgave my mom because she had no idea how a simple prank, or just being late because she had to handle some business effected me. I accepted that she was completely unaware. In recent years I’ve just realized that there are multiple reasons why people come and go and so even though I had become indifferent, I had no idea that my indifference was a defense mechanism built up against my underlying abandonment issues.
During the meditation, I visualized myself going back in time and wrapping my arm around that frightened younger me, and telling him that it’s ok. I explained that mom is just a little late, but she’ll be there for him, she loves him and there are others who still love him. I let him know that he’s not alone and he’s not powerless. If he ever ran into a problem that triggered fear, there would always be a way to find a solution. He and I then traveled to the main time that I remember being locked in the house and instead of letting him get upset, I encouraged the younger me to stay strong, and aware of what was happening. He looked up and smiled back at me, asked me who I was, so I told him that I’m his future self, he thanked me. I was then Snapped back to the present and felt a sense of joy and freedom, knowing that today, I just hit a huge emotional healing milestone.
Because the source of my a abandonment issues has been healed, there wasn’t even a need to revisit any other events related to them. Even now as I’m writing this, my eyes are slightly watering, I know this is just me subconsciously releasing the last of the fear. I can now move forward in life without fear of showing love or receiving it because I know that even if things go astray, I have enough self love to get myself through anything. Feels like the E3 component really is the star of the show today. This may also be UD and USLM4 helping and assisting as well. Either way LTU5 has delivered another huge breakthrough for me.
