05-30-2019, 10:25 AM
Day 38
I haven't felt this bad in a long time. Today and yesterday were rough.
Oddly enough it started when I wrote to my friend and kinda jokingly I started to whine to her to get her attention. But then I really started to feel sad and angry and hopeless, almost as per self-suggestion. That was scary.
Now I'm passed that but I've gotten really stressed out. I'll be leaving for a conference next week and by then I have to have my work done. Sadly I did not manage to complete all of it in time. I don't feel guilty over it, in the past weeks I really speed things up and got back in track, sadly due to my dad's illness and then death I left a lot of things behind and it bites me now.
Anyhow there are two options. The first one is I will let it go, I'll bring to the conference what I have (which is enough anyway I think) and I'll have to swallow not having the optimum I'd like to bring. The second option is to work my ass off for the next week and try to catch up. There are two problems with this: the fact that I need to collaborate with others so the results do not rest solely on me (so I may have to wait powerless and I have to get things done faster so they have time to do their work) and also I have no guarantee that the results will work, so I may default to the first option anyway.
At any rate my hands are almost shaking and my stomach is size of a peanut from the very thought. I don't work well under pressure. To "relax" I went on the 18km walk but it gave me little, I'm still agitated and restless. Hopefully I'll go to sleep early (tiredness from the walk should help), I'll go to work and steadily do everything I have to do.
The conference itself doesn't help either. I've never been into trips like that and LTU doesn't help me getting more social. Add to that the fact that I'll have to get by using public transport while group of my friends skipped me and they'll be going by the car, which makes me angry. Makes you wanna finally do your driver's licence. It's such a shame I'd need it only once or twice per year though...
Funny thing is, after the conference when I'll come back home all of this stress will seem like a joke. It doesn't matter if I'll make it or I'll have to show less than I want to, I will be all relaxed and at peace. At least up until the next challenge like that. I cannot wait till I feel such calm again.
I haven't felt this bad in a long time. Today and yesterday were rough.
Oddly enough it started when I wrote to my friend and kinda jokingly I started to whine to her to get her attention. But then I really started to feel sad and angry and hopeless, almost as per self-suggestion. That was scary.
Now I'm passed that but I've gotten really stressed out. I'll be leaving for a conference next week and by then I have to have my work done. Sadly I did not manage to complete all of it in time. I don't feel guilty over it, in the past weeks I really speed things up and got back in track, sadly due to my dad's illness and then death I left a lot of things behind and it bites me now.
Anyhow there are two options. The first one is I will let it go, I'll bring to the conference what I have (which is enough anyway I think) and I'll have to swallow not having the optimum I'd like to bring. The second option is to work my ass off for the next week and try to catch up. There are two problems with this: the fact that I need to collaborate with others so the results do not rest solely on me (so I may have to wait powerless and I have to get things done faster so they have time to do their work) and also I have no guarantee that the results will work, so I may default to the first option anyway.
At any rate my hands are almost shaking and my stomach is size of a peanut from the very thought. I don't work well under pressure. To "relax" I went on the 18km walk but it gave me little, I'm still agitated and restless. Hopefully I'll go to sleep early (tiredness from the walk should help), I'll go to work and steadily do everything I have to do.
The conference itself doesn't help either. I've never been into trips like that and LTU doesn't help me getting more social. Add to that the fact that I'll have to get by using public transport while group of my friends skipped me and they'll be going by the car, which makes me angry. Makes you wanna finally do your driver's licence. It's such a shame I'd need it only once or twice per year though...
Funny thing is, after the conference when I'll come back home all of this stress will seem like a joke. It doesn't matter if I'll make it or I'll have to show less than I want to, I will be all relaxed and at peace. At least up until the next challenge like that. I cannot wait till I feel such calm again.
For not by numbers of men, nor by measure of body, but by valor of soul is war to be decided.
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
