05-15-2019, 01:30 PM
(This post was last modified: 05-15-2019, 01:34 PM by EvolvingPhoenix.)
Day 46: I just reread what Shannon wrote. And the truth is, I'm not sure what to do. Shannon's probably right. But it's like none of what he says really hits home. It's like I beleive my internal reality creates my external reality, yet I let my external reality dictate my internal one. I guess my problem is I have a hard time convincing myself that my self hating beliefs are false. I have to do something to change this. I'm getting really tired of holding onto these beleifs. I'm tired of this hell I keep myself in. I'm tired of not being able to truly enjoy even the enjoyable parts of life. As an early birthday gift, a friend of mine got me tickets to the upcoming Babymetal show in Orlando. I worry that living in this state will prevent me from enjoying the show. I worry that living like this will stop me from enjoying travel when I finally get to do it, time spent with friends and/or family, art, music, creative pursuits, everything. I worry I could get the perfect girlfriend and not enjoy my time with her. I'm so sick of spending all this time either being miserable or suppressing misery by being numb. It also prevents me from being productive because I compulsively do things like check the forums I'm on to feel connected or distract myself web surfing to keep myself numb.
I've got to figure out the misunderstanding that causes me to be this way and fix it. Cause I'm so sick of living like this. It's like I'm a zombie. It's non-life. Something needs to change. I need to change. My beliefs need to change. But I don't know how to change them.
I've got to figure out the misunderstanding that causes me to be this way and fix it. Cause I'm so sick of living like this. It's like I'm a zombie. It's non-life. Something needs to change. I need to change. My beliefs need to change. But I don't know how to change them.
