Greenduck's LTU5 journal

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Just let LTU5 do its work on you. You beating up on yourself is self abuse and you need to forgive yourself no matter how hard that seems. Your resistance will prevent the healing if you don't go with the flow. You are not your actions. Those were just events in your life, you can move past them.

Keep the faith and  move forward you can do it.

Right now I'm using E2, cause I can't yet afford LTU5, but yeah, I suppose just letting the subs do their work is all I can do. It's hard to hear on one hand "You are not your actions" and on the other "You haven't changed enough" Forgiving myself is hard. If I am not my actions, why am I treated like my past actions are all that define me. Why am I not accepted for who I am? Because I'm not good enough as I am. 

... You know what? That's the thinking that caused my problems in the first place. 

I've got this bad programming that causes bad things to happen to me and bad outcomes and then in turn those bad outcomes lead to more bad programming. I've got to accept that I have the power to fix things. But I feel so stuck in this bad way of thinking. And I realize it's self-programming, yet I have a hard time reprogramming myself.

I guess a part of it is a sense that I don't have the power to change what I don't like about my life. Like my situation with my friend. 

I've got to change my beliefs and believe I can change anything. But it feels like I have to already be past the friendship breakup in the first place. Like a catch-22. I want my friend to forgive me so I can forgive myself, but I need to forgive myself before I can "bend reality" with the "becoming" technique and get my friend to forgive me. It feels like I can't win. But that feeling is exactly what needs to change so that I CAN win. I hope E2 and later, LTU5 are able to help me fix that bad programming, because I'm having a rough time with it lately.

Anyway, this is Greenduck's journal so I'll stop derailing it. Thank you both for your honesty and your input.