04-20-2019, 04:15 AM
Taking time off from DMSI after what, according to the calendar, looks like around four months on 3.3.x.
Executing on 3.3.x has resulted in months of life improvements, particularly at work, and that's been great, but, as far as either sex or sexiness goes, I've had a greater sex drive and sex appeal on other subs or without subs than on this one. I reason that, if 3.3.x is only tuning up my life (which, again, is still a great result, albeit not the program's advertised goal) and if I'm sexier and more interested in sex while running absolutely anything other than 3.3.x, I may as well run LTU (which is actually intended to tune up one's life) and see if I can return to my non-3.3.x sexiness and sex drive as a bonus. As LTU isn't an experimental sub and already has a multitude of users reporting, I don't expect to journal my time on it publicly.
As far as parting thoughts about 3.3.x, two areas stood out:
I'd be entirely unsurprised by reflexive reactions of "must be/sounds like" reverse resistance or "must be/sounds like" some fear of sex or interest or success, but, while becoming more of a workhorse has cut down the frequency of sexual encounters due to time constraints (constraints which have been prompted by co-workers, not by me), nothing during 3.3.x has stopped me from having/enjoying sex or caused me to reject desirable interest; it's merely (seemed to have) reduced my ability to enjoy sex unless I'm currently having it. And that's just not a result that I'm looking for. Especially from a sub that I'd been running to help increase my desirability to other people, not to change how or why I enjoy sex myself.
I'll admit that making sex into the only time for sexual enjoyment could be an academically interesting change of both carrot and stick, needing to experience it in the moment to enjoy it at all, but, if I can't easily recall the enjoyment of sex before or after the act, that appears to leave the binary options of never stopping sex (to remain capable of recalling why I enjoy/want it) or never fully remembering how good it actually is (enough to have reason to want it when I'm not having it). And that sort of ultimatum, whether present in the script directly or created by my own warped interpretation of the script, just doesn't fit well with my life. It also won't fit well in my twilight years, when circumstance and physical function could preclude the possibility of having sex in the moment. For me, how I execute is almost as important as if I execute, and, even if it's solely due to my misunderstanding of the script, continuing to reinforce that misunderstanding isn't my goal.
3.3.x accompanied several good changes in my life, as mentioned in previous posts, so I hope that this doesn't sound like a complaint about the experience or about the sub. I'm simply mentioning two aspects of my own experience that I hadn't mentioned in detail previously, aspects that don't really appeal to me.
Executing on 3.3.x has resulted in months of life improvements, particularly at work, and that's been great, but, as far as either sex or sexiness goes, I've had a greater sex drive and sex appeal on other subs or without subs than on this one. I reason that, if 3.3.x is only tuning up my life (which, again, is still a great result, albeit not the program's advertised goal) and if I'm sexier and more interested in sex while running absolutely anything other than 3.3.x, I may as well run LTU (which is actually intended to tune up one's life) and see if I can return to my non-3.3.x sexiness and sex drive as a bonus. As LTU isn't an experimental sub and already has a multitude of users reporting, I don't expect to journal my time on it publicly.
As far as parting thoughts about 3.3.x, two areas stood out:
- My imagination. I've had very few sexual dreams at all on 3.3.x, and the few that I did have were swiftly interrupted. My sexual fantasies and mental visualization of sex became less frequent and less important. My sexual fantasies motivate me to have sex, and, in a way, on 3.3.x, my desire lost a lot of its fuel. Yes, my work creativity went through the roof, as my imagination suddenly had a lot of free time and free space, and great things were inarguably achieved in my work life, but my imagination is a big part of my motivation.
What I imagine is where I build reasons to do something, where I build reasons to do something is where I build desire and motivation, where I build desire and motivation is where I focus, and where I focus is where I go. Unlike 3.1 or earlier (never ran 3.2), 3.3.x accompanied feeling like I should aim for sex while leaving my reasons for wanting sex in the past. But I don't do things "just because." I do them as a consequence of current reasons (either selfish, selfless-by-way-of-selfish, or both) to want to do those things. And because those things and those reasons have current meaning to me. If I stop imagining those reasons or that meaning, I lose them and the motivation that they inspire. Losing sexual inspiration was a jet engine for my work life, but it was a flat tire for my sex life.
- My memory. I'm unsure if this affected all memories, some memories, or just sexual ones, but I've lost (or at least achieved a more dulled) sensory, emotional, and experiential connection to my sexual history. Recalling it is like recalling a story that I was told, a movie that I saw, or a book that I'd read. While I can remember fragments if I make a concerted effort, I rarely feel like I was ever really there anymore, and, additionally, those emotionally-divested fragments are quickly dismissed as if they're thoughts that I don't want to have. As with the changes to my imagination, these are de-motivating changes toward the idea of having sex. Much of my motivation to have sex is knowing and remembering how good it feels to have it, and, unfortunately, the ability to recall those feelings (as feelings) has diminished. They're not completely gone, just... muffled.
I'd be entirely unsurprised by reflexive reactions of "must be/sounds like" reverse resistance or "must be/sounds like" some fear of sex or interest or success, but, while becoming more of a workhorse has cut down the frequency of sexual encounters due to time constraints (constraints which have been prompted by co-workers, not by me), nothing during 3.3.x has stopped me from having/enjoying sex or caused me to reject desirable interest; it's merely (seemed to have) reduced my ability to enjoy sex unless I'm currently having it. And that's just not a result that I'm looking for. Especially from a sub that I'd been running to help increase my desirability to other people, not to change how or why I enjoy sex myself.
I'll admit that making sex into the only time for sexual enjoyment could be an academically interesting change of both carrot and stick, needing to experience it in the moment to enjoy it at all, but, if I can't easily recall the enjoyment of sex before or after the act, that appears to leave the binary options of never stopping sex (to remain capable of recalling why I enjoy/want it) or never fully remembering how good it actually is (enough to have reason to want it when I'm not having it). And that sort of ultimatum, whether present in the script directly or created by my own warped interpretation of the script, just doesn't fit well with my life. It also won't fit well in my twilight years, when circumstance and physical function could preclude the possibility of having sex in the moment. For me, how I execute is almost as important as if I execute, and, even if it's solely due to my misunderstanding of the script, continuing to reinforce that misunderstanding isn't my goal.
3.3.x accompanied several good changes in my life, as mentioned in previous posts, so I hope that this doesn't sound like a complaint about the experience or about the sub. I'm simply mentioning two aspects of my own experience that I hadn't mentioned in detail previously, aspects that don't really appeal to me.
