03-25-2019, 11:53 PM
So LTU.
I've been inconsistent in use since I've been travelling, in a sense i'm starting again from scratch with it. Much has gone awry, having a cold, dealing with the after effects of alcohol - which i'm very sensitive to these days, and general depression over the usual; comparison with others etc.
My primary issue remains self esteem and the practice of being conscious, responsible, assertive and responsible - and I roughly figured out the chain of actions or thoughts I go through which means I hit a block with USLM.
First I start having things go well for me, I set goals, start achieving them. Somewhere along the line I lose the part of my self esteem which rests on responsibility and assertiveness. I ignore my own mind, what I can feasibly do and start to rely heavily on the sub to give me what I want. With this, my thought process starts to suffer, because I've somehow given over responsibility or personal power over to the sub to do my thinking for me; with that my identity somehow disappears and i'm not doing anything, I can't 'grieve' over failures or things which are going wrong and move through them to take the lessons because I just ignore things which are going wrong or behaviours which aren't helping me achieve what I need to - there's no emotional penalty for laziness or falling behind, only numbness or brief moments of euphoria.
That basically stays with me, occasionally I switch into an auto pilot mode to start getting things done and that's fantastic, but I end up feeling numb again and the majority of my work is left undone.
I believe much of this stems from a pattern I've developed from being a child among mostly dominating and non encouraging adults, I give up my sovereignty and let someone or something else take the wheel as I have always done, or I actively look for something to hide behind, personal agency, identity and self esteem simply can't survive with that attitude.
I've started again now with the attitude of sub or no sub it's up to me to do what I want to do, and i'm not going to ignore my own consciousness and once again I am fully responsible for my own existence; i'm not owed anything by anyone, nor do I owe anyone anything - what is given from others or by me is voluntary and not obligatory, my only job is to look out for those things which I voluntarily agree to take on, and it is always my choice to let go if and when I want to.
It feels like going back to square one (or rather the mid way realisation I had through doing SE 5.5g. ) regardless its the best place to be - i'm free to go through the difficulty and suffering I choose to go to in order to grow to where I want to grow, or to choose ease, distraction and unconsciousness - the sub is just something I have chosen to use upon this journey, without it I would still need to do the same.
I've been inconsistent in use since I've been travelling, in a sense i'm starting again from scratch with it. Much has gone awry, having a cold, dealing with the after effects of alcohol - which i'm very sensitive to these days, and general depression over the usual; comparison with others etc.
My primary issue remains self esteem and the practice of being conscious, responsible, assertive and responsible - and I roughly figured out the chain of actions or thoughts I go through which means I hit a block with USLM.
First I start having things go well for me, I set goals, start achieving them. Somewhere along the line I lose the part of my self esteem which rests on responsibility and assertiveness. I ignore my own mind, what I can feasibly do and start to rely heavily on the sub to give me what I want. With this, my thought process starts to suffer, because I've somehow given over responsibility or personal power over to the sub to do my thinking for me; with that my identity somehow disappears and i'm not doing anything, I can't 'grieve' over failures or things which are going wrong and move through them to take the lessons because I just ignore things which are going wrong or behaviours which aren't helping me achieve what I need to - there's no emotional penalty for laziness or falling behind, only numbness or brief moments of euphoria.
That basically stays with me, occasionally I switch into an auto pilot mode to start getting things done and that's fantastic, but I end up feeling numb again and the majority of my work is left undone.
I believe much of this stems from a pattern I've developed from being a child among mostly dominating and non encouraging adults, I give up my sovereignty and let someone or something else take the wheel as I have always done, or I actively look for something to hide behind, personal agency, identity and self esteem simply can't survive with that attitude.
I've started again now with the attitude of sub or no sub it's up to me to do what I want to do, and i'm not going to ignore my own consciousness and once again I am fully responsible for my own existence; i'm not owed anything by anyone, nor do I owe anyone anything - what is given from others or by me is voluntary and not obligatory, my only job is to look out for those things which I voluntarily agree to take on, and it is always my choice to let go if and when I want to.
It feels like going back to square one (or rather the mid way realisation I had through doing SE 5.5g. ) regardless its the best place to be - i'm free to go through the difficulty and suffering I choose to go to in order to grow to where I want to grow, or to choose ease, distraction and unconsciousness - the sub is just something I have chosen to use upon this journey, without it I would still need to do the same.
Your task is not to seek for Love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
