01-26-2019, 11:08 AM
Saturday to myself and the thoughts are flowing. Is it my life or my mindset? Sometimes it's appealing to think that if I was just more grateful, more confident, I could be alright where I am. Bargaining again. Saying "oh well it's not ideal or what I really want, but it's good enough I don't have to go further than this". That's the danger I've always fallen into with meditation, positive thinking, and such, nobody tells you that as beneficial as these things are, they can also be used for avoidance. As you suppress your true desires and wants as "excessive" or fueled by ego. Let's be honest here, who has ever legitimately detached from their ego? I feel like I've internalized so much crap over the years in a pursuit of some shortcut to happiness, I'd do better just embracing myself as a human being vs trying to transcend it or whatever. I've noticed the people who are happiest are the ones that don't even engage in profound insight or self exploration. The irony of having deep insight into oneself, you'd think it would give you more of an advantage but it can cause you to feel even more lost at times.
It's hard for me to sit here and honestly say that any of my insight into myself over the years has propelled me further towards happiness. It just feels like in the grand scheme of things I just procrastinated from doing anything in my life or taking action. Always looking for "the answer" or some profound wisdom that would set me free. And I let myself off the hook more often than not because I was convinced this "wisdom" would somehow give me an advantage. It was just one great big deception, a long drawn out defensive tactic to keep me in the same place for years. I know I can't go back, I know I shouldn't feel bad about what happened in the past or blame myself, but for what it was it was a serious clusterfuck. I don't ever want to live my life that way again. Lost in a haze of thoughts and fear, barely remembering each day basically waiting for something good to happen.
I guess I did the best I could at the time. But honestly looking back that's not even the truth. And if anyone asked me to try harder or push myself more I'd pull some victim bullshit and self isolate. I wasn't responsible, not in the least bit. I'd delude myself into believing I was though because otherwise I felt ashamed or I just couldn't handle the truth. Even today when things aren't working out for me and I don't feel too great, I stay in my situations and don't change. But I tell myself I'm doing all I can do when it's really just a lie. I don't try harder to think positive, I don't visualize where I want to be, I don't take chances, I cling to comfort, and I point the blame outside myself or in a way that absolves me from responsibility. How can I ever hope to achieve happiness if I don't ever take responsibility for my own goddamn actions?
I'm just frustrated with myself more than anything. If I was irresponsible and knew it and felt bad about it, that would be one thing. But it's the fact that for YEARS, I deluded myself. And I wouldn't even register any criticism pointed my way without getting intensely defensive. That's what pisses me off. That my fragile little self image in the eyes of others was so easily shook, I'd tell myself lies upon lies to make up for it. And I'd use self love and compassion as a way to further distance myself away from what needed to change and face ugly truths. Of course nobody tells you any of this growing up, it's been like navigating a minefield for me. So much self deception masquerading is positive forms. And then adding onto that, how the hell do you even begin to measure your progress if you don't have a metric to go by? Seriously, when I first got my full time job I was convinced things would do a complete 180 for me. But it felt more like a 5 degree shift when I realized that wasn't the answer to my suffering either.
It's hard for me to sit here and honestly say that any of my insight into myself over the years has propelled me further towards happiness. It just feels like in the grand scheme of things I just procrastinated from doing anything in my life or taking action. Always looking for "the answer" or some profound wisdom that would set me free. And I let myself off the hook more often than not because I was convinced this "wisdom" would somehow give me an advantage. It was just one great big deception, a long drawn out defensive tactic to keep me in the same place for years. I know I can't go back, I know I shouldn't feel bad about what happened in the past or blame myself, but for what it was it was a serious clusterfuck. I don't ever want to live my life that way again. Lost in a haze of thoughts and fear, barely remembering each day basically waiting for something good to happen.
I guess I did the best I could at the time. But honestly looking back that's not even the truth. And if anyone asked me to try harder or push myself more I'd pull some victim bullshit and self isolate. I wasn't responsible, not in the least bit. I'd delude myself into believing I was though because otherwise I felt ashamed or I just couldn't handle the truth. Even today when things aren't working out for me and I don't feel too great, I stay in my situations and don't change. But I tell myself I'm doing all I can do when it's really just a lie. I don't try harder to think positive, I don't visualize where I want to be, I don't take chances, I cling to comfort, and I point the blame outside myself or in a way that absolves me from responsibility. How can I ever hope to achieve happiness if I don't ever take responsibility for my own goddamn actions?
I'm just frustrated with myself more than anything. If I was irresponsible and knew it and felt bad about it, that would be one thing. But it's the fact that for YEARS, I deluded myself. And I wouldn't even register any criticism pointed my way without getting intensely defensive. That's what pisses me off. That my fragile little self image in the eyes of others was so easily shook, I'd tell myself lies upon lies to make up for it. And I'd use self love and compassion as a way to further distance myself away from what needed to change and face ugly truths. Of course nobody tells you any of this growing up, it's been like navigating a minefield for me. So much self deception masquerading is positive forms. And then adding onto that, how the hell do you even begin to measure your progress if you don't have a metric to go by? Seriously, when I first got my full time job I was convinced things would do a complete 180 for me. But it felt more like a 5 degree shift when I realized that wasn't the answer to my suffering either.
INFP
