12-30-2018, 08:13 AM
So I've dealt with a lot of anxiety and depression in my life. To such an extent that it took a while for me to start actually living my life. One thing that always hung over my head was this constant feeling that I was screwing up and everyone else was so much more put together than me and I was just a mess. Well I realized the other day that everyone's lives are different. Some people don't even have to deal with this, some people just have a straight shot of a path in life where they don't even have to think about how they are moving forward. For years I felt like this was my dirty secret and that nobody should ever know how much I struggled or how hard it was for me to get my life on track. I felt the need to maintain this illusion that I had it all figured out.
This was a big source of fear for me and I think that's what's being picked apart right now. But now I don't care. Because what happened happened and I made it through it. I shouldn't look at that as a sign of weakness in my life, but strength for overcoming these obstacles in my life. My mistake was thinking that everyone dealt with this stuff and I just handled it poorly or was weak and couldn't overcome it. A lot of this goes back to my perfectionism too. I've realized that a lot of the time I saw my flaws as evidence that I wasn't good enough. That's all I focused on really, so it was easy to lose sight of the parts of me that were positive. The funny thing is the perfectionism fueled this "be positive all the time or you're not a good person" mentality. When in reality the flaws and positive aspects exists simultaneously and those flaws don't automatically negate the positive.
The FRM is definitely starting to hit at core stuff. Last night I felt this stuff being processed along with a strong sensation of fear in the pit of my stomach that felt like it was being slowly unraveled. Really getting to that core survival feeling inside me that's beyond words or rational understanding. And it's amazing what kind of string of negative self defeating stuff just stems from fear. When you start removing the fear there's a clarity of thought, things become more obvious and make sense. But in that shroud of fear it's damn near impossible to convince your mind of anything else.
This was a big source of fear for me and I think that's what's being picked apart right now. But now I don't care. Because what happened happened and I made it through it. I shouldn't look at that as a sign of weakness in my life, but strength for overcoming these obstacles in my life. My mistake was thinking that everyone dealt with this stuff and I just handled it poorly or was weak and couldn't overcome it. A lot of this goes back to my perfectionism too. I've realized that a lot of the time I saw my flaws as evidence that I wasn't good enough. That's all I focused on really, so it was easy to lose sight of the parts of me that were positive. The funny thing is the perfectionism fueled this "be positive all the time or you're not a good person" mentality. When in reality the flaws and positive aspects exists simultaneously and those flaws don't automatically negate the positive.
The FRM is definitely starting to hit at core stuff. Last night I felt this stuff being processed along with a strong sensation of fear in the pit of my stomach that felt like it was being slowly unraveled. Really getting to that core survival feeling inside me that's beyond words or rational understanding. And it's amazing what kind of string of negative self defeating stuff just stems from fear. When you start removing the fear there's a clarity of thought, things become more obvious and make sense. But in that shroud of fear it's damn near impossible to convince your mind of anything else.
INFP
