I have been feeling really stressed these last few days, I thought it was because I started having caffeine again over Xmas, when I have been caffeine free for a long time.
I had coffee Xmas day and boxing day and then I had a cappuccino on my date, which I felt a lot when I went home, felt all the adrenaline as if I wanted to just sprint/smash through walls (I am sensitive to caffeine).
I am feeling kinda weird now but it is most likely a combination of things. One withdrawal from the caffeine and two...feeling of wanting/needing to quantum jump, but hitting a "wall" and feeling the frustration and forceful nature of that. Kinda hitting my head between a rock and brick wall, but emotionally speaking.
I just feel it is not possible for me to quantum jump, it feels so much pressure and stress, it don't feel good.
If I go the academic route it is going to take me 6 years (AND I NEED TO GET FOCUED VERY QUICKLY)
I can't go down that route and work full-time and rent my own place.
It's either one path or the other.
Thinking about this woman and the potential of me wanting to be with her in a LTR, (as that is what I like) and my life needing to be a certain way for me to feel good with having it, being with it. Kinda sucks, because based on my own criteria I can't have it, enjoy it, unless I meet my own criteria.
I thought all this stress is coming from me wanting to take a too big of a jump.
I imagined what it felt like to just let her go. I feel a relief, less pressure, less needing to do mega jumps of independence and success ...but I also feel I am saying bye to a desire of mine that I actually want, a desire that feels so good, a desire that I would love my life to be like.
I wish I could have everything I want, but I feel time is running out and I need to focus on what will get me to where I want to go and I need to work out what that really is.
I understand why I wanted to keep myself away from women, out of all the others I was speaking to, I felt drawn to this one, sort of hypnotised by her, even though I forbid myself from going there with a women.
It is exactly because of this dilemma. I want it but I want it if my life is like this first, but because it is not I can't really have it, even though I really want it.
This why I have become stressed in trying to find a way I can have both.
I am at limbo at the moment, I feel weird from the withdrawal of caffeine and it is not a nice feeling. It won't take me long to feel more balanced and calm on that front maybe 3 more days.
Sometimes I wish I was just a robot and I could just switch myself off. Things shouldn't feel this difficult in life.
I had coffee Xmas day and boxing day and then I had a cappuccino on my date, which I felt a lot when I went home, felt all the adrenaline as if I wanted to just sprint/smash through walls (I am sensitive to caffeine).
I am feeling kinda weird now but it is most likely a combination of things. One withdrawal from the caffeine and two...feeling of wanting/needing to quantum jump, but hitting a "wall" and feeling the frustration and forceful nature of that. Kinda hitting my head between a rock and brick wall, but emotionally speaking.
I just feel it is not possible for me to quantum jump, it feels so much pressure and stress, it don't feel good.
If I go the academic route it is going to take me 6 years (AND I NEED TO GET FOCUED VERY QUICKLY)
I can't go down that route and work full-time and rent my own place.
It's either one path or the other.
Thinking about this woman and the potential of me wanting to be with her in a LTR, (as that is what I like) and my life needing to be a certain way for me to feel good with having it, being with it. Kinda sucks, because based on my own criteria I can't have it, enjoy it, unless I meet my own criteria.
I thought all this stress is coming from me wanting to take a too big of a jump.
I imagined what it felt like to just let her go. I feel a relief, less pressure, less needing to do mega jumps of independence and success ...but I also feel I am saying bye to a desire of mine that I actually want, a desire that feels so good, a desire that I would love my life to be like.
I wish I could have everything I want, but I feel time is running out and I need to focus on what will get me to where I want to go and I need to work out what that really is.
I understand why I wanted to keep myself away from women, out of all the others I was speaking to, I felt drawn to this one, sort of hypnotised by her, even though I forbid myself from going there with a women.
It is exactly because of this dilemma. I want it but I want it if my life is like this first, but because it is not I can't really have it, even though I really want it.
This why I have become stressed in trying to find a way I can have both.
I am at limbo at the moment, I feel weird from the withdrawal of caffeine and it is not a nice feeling. It won't take me long to feel more balanced and calm on that front maybe 3 more days.
Sometimes I wish I was just a robot and I could just switch myself off. Things shouldn't feel this difficult in life.
