12-20-2018, 08:33 AM
Having a very weird day. So, I've been fuming for roughly half of it, pretty much arguing with myself, Hulk-rage-y at times and sad during others, but then it hit me.
It was similar to one what I described in one of my long, musing posts back in the DMSI 3.2 journal, when I was doing ver. A at a high number of loops.
Basically, the uppity parts of myself - the ones that are trying to resist the program - are doing so out of narcissism, or rather - ego. And it's very childish, how they go about it (I guess that's why people often call it "the inner child". And it needs "care" or somesuch, lol. No, it does not. It just wants attention and approval, haha. I believe clinically this is called "vulnerable narcissism", not to be mistaken with "malignant narcissism", which is simply clinical dickheadery). This, as all nefarious forms of narcissim/egotism, springs from fear of some sort, and the egotism is a defense mechanism, basically. So, these parts of my subC would pretty much prefer to remain hidden, change nothing and go about their business while avoiding anything that they perceive as a threat to an ego-structure they created to avoid being judged adversely by others. This is learned behavior and some sort of weird survival mechanism, input through socialization.
It hit me when in my internal dialogue I started taking the angry tack I find myself experiencing quite often when trying to stand my ground, or explain the destructiveness of their behavior, to actual people with narcissistic personality disorder (hi, mom!
). And then it hit me, and then it worked. Now getting the "subliminally tired" sensation, took a nap (but still tired), going to eat something and continuing DMSIng on the morrow. Feeling way less agitation now, though I still think getting rid of this crap is a work in progress.
It was similar to one what I described in one of my long, musing posts back in the DMSI 3.2 journal, when I was doing ver. A at a high number of loops.
Basically, the uppity parts of myself - the ones that are trying to resist the program - are doing so out of narcissism, or rather - ego. And it's very childish, how they go about it (I guess that's why people often call it "the inner child". And it needs "care" or somesuch, lol. No, it does not. It just wants attention and approval, haha. I believe clinically this is called "vulnerable narcissism", not to be mistaken with "malignant narcissism", which is simply clinical dickheadery). This, as all nefarious forms of narcissim/egotism, springs from fear of some sort, and the egotism is a defense mechanism, basically. So, these parts of my subC would pretty much prefer to remain hidden, change nothing and go about their business while avoiding anything that they perceive as a threat to an ego-structure they created to avoid being judged adversely by others. This is learned behavior and some sort of weird survival mechanism, input through socialization.
It hit me when in my internal dialogue I started taking the angry tack I find myself experiencing quite often when trying to stand my ground, or explain the destructiveness of their behavior, to actual people with narcissistic personality disorder (hi, mom!
). And then it hit me, and then it worked. Now getting the "subliminally tired" sensation, took a nap (but still tired), going to eat something and continuing DMSIng on the morrow. Feeling way less agitation now, though I still think getting rid of this crap is a work in progress.
"A man who is doing his True Will has the inertia of the Universe to assist him." - A. Crowley
