12-13-2018, 01:26 AM
(12-12-2018, 03:17 PM)Shannon Wrote: I like it when I read posts like this one, because it means you are making progress to genuinely understanding what is going on to block your progress, and why, and give yourself options for transcending it.
Congratulations.
Thanks, Shannon. 
I can't quite claim to know yet what's actually being blocked by this behavior, given my existing female-initiated intimate relationships (that I do enjoy) and others that I could start just by saying yes (that aren't right for me), but, as doing well enough is not the same as doing as well as possible, I'm more than willing to give whatever's blocked a chance to clear.
Continuing along the same line of thought, much of the self-punishment, if that's what I'm doing, could possibly be traced to an ex who was often abusive toward me whenever her jealousy kicked up. If another woman so much as smiled at me, she'd spend hours or days accusing me of things that I hadn't been doing. It became safer to stop going out (which I resumed years ago), to stop putting any effort into my appearance (which I also resumed), to have less of an online presence (I have as much as I originally did, but not as much as others now do), and more.
Those safeties were almost certainly the same sort of pre-fulfilling self-punishment, at least at the time that I'd been applying them. It's also possible that there are some unrestored habits on the list that I'd missed because I wasn't actively looking for them, old pre-fulfilled punishments that are still in need of returning to their previous state or better. The case that I described in the last post may simply have been a case where I only restored (to previous) but still continue to hold myself back from improving (to better).
I certainly saw some of those self-punishments for what they were, but what I didn't see at the time was the pre-fulfillment gate (the exception in my peer-pressure fence) that allowed their creation. Or that restoring myself to previous (while holding myself back from better thereafter) might still have been the self-punishment continuing its hold on me.
Seeing that pre-fulfillment gate could hopefully allow me to close, lock, or remove it in the future. And seeing that the self-punishment might be covertly remaining in place, post-restoration, as a ceiling against future growth, might also allow me to remove those restrictions too.
I'm very grateful for finally seeing the how and why behind it, so, thank you again for that. I'll certainly be more grateful if seeing the problem effortlessly turns into preventing that problem/undoing its past effects with further DMSI use, but simply seeing what's been going on under the hood is already a welcome start. It allows for the possibility of actively changing it myself, even if no passive help comes along to aid me.
I can't quite claim to know yet what's actually being blocked by this behavior, given my existing female-initiated intimate relationships (that I do enjoy) and others that I could start just by saying yes (that aren't right for me), but, as doing well enough is not the same as doing as well as possible, I'm more than willing to give whatever's blocked a chance to clear.Continuing along the same line of thought, much of the self-punishment, if that's what I'm doing, could possibly be traced to an ex who was often abusive toward me whenever her jealousy kicked up. If another woman so much as smiled at me, she'd spend hours or days accusing me of things that I hadn't been doing. It became safer to stop going out (which I resumed years ago), to stop putting any effort into my appearance (which I also resumed), to have less of an online presence (I have as much as I originally did, but not as much as others now do), and more.
Those safeties were almost certainly the same sort of pre-fulfilling self-punishment, at least at the time that I'd been applying them. It's also possible that there are some unrestored habits on the list that I'd missed because I wasn't actively looking for them, old pre-fulfilled punishments that are still in need of returning to their previous state or better. The case that I described in the last post may simply have been a case where I only restored (to previous) but still continue to hold myself back from improving (to better).
I certainly saw some of those self-punishments for what they were, but what I didn't see at the time was the pre-fulfillment gate (the exception in my peer-pressure fence) that allowed their creation. Or that restoring myself to previous (while holding myself back from better thereafter) might still have been the self-punishment continuing its hold on me.
Seeing that pre-fulfillment gate could hopefully allow me to close, lock, or remove it in the future. And seeing that the self-punishment might be covertly remaining in place, post-restoration, as a ceiling against future growth, might also allow me to remove those restrictions too.
I'm very grateful for finally seeing the how and why behind it, so, thank you again for that. I'll certainly be more grateful if seeing the problem effortlessly turns into preventing that problem/undoing its past effects with further DMSI use, but simply seeing what's been going on under the hood is already a welcome start. It allows for the possibility of actively changing it myself, even if no passive help comes along to aid me.
