A Sexy Alex, stage 2: DMSI Journal (now 3.3.2!)

[apollolux]

I'd like to take a moment to reflect on some stuff, some during the timeframe of listening to AOSI/DMSI, some before. While I'll do what I can to keep time-related stuff together, I can't promise that I won't hop around the timeline during this recall. This is going to be relatively long, so bear with me.

Much of my self-improvement journey these past few years, particularly the early portions, was originally fueled by the desire to attract more beautiful women into my life for sex fun. I had completely transformed my workout regimen because of one in particular, a blonde Russian girl I've mentioned once or twice before. Previously I had tied much of my self-esteem to her approval and validation of me, and as a result felt strong emotion from her sexual refusal. I had begun listening to subliminal audio directed towards generating "complete confidence" (you probably know who I'm talking about with this one) during the initial 12 week exercise regimen period, as I initially thought that the only thing left to do to "get this girl" was to solidify my confidence levels. I had sought out motivational audio in general because I felt that I wasn't getting enough positive feedback from other people in my life and thought that a constant stream of positive messaging (especially overnight) would be helpful to my mental and emotional well-being. My response to her refusal was essentially falling into the deepest depression I would ever have in my life, clearly showing that that particular audio did not work for me. As I was searching for other motivational audio to help stave off the depression I had found ASC and EPRHA, and thus Indigo Mind Labs.

I had originally planned to listen to only ASC, but was eventually convinced to use EPRHA first to "heal and clear" whatever could and would potentially block progress with building (or rebuilding as the case may be) confidence. I had visited my aunt in Vermont during the time I was listening to EPRHA and almost every day broke down in tears whenever she asked about my personal life. She only saw the tears and as a result thought that my listening to the sub was doing me more harm than good, but I continued for the rest of that 32 day cycle. As soon as those 32 days were over I switched to ASC.

While I had certainly felt more confident listening to ASC, I had listened to it for at least three months before deciding that the confidence I was feeling was a superficial one. As a result, I looked for other subs that could promote a more fundamental change, which in theory would radiate outward more genuinely.

I was officially diagnosed with major depression and social anxiety disorder in September of 2015. I had originally been prescribed Prozac, but the primary side effect of nausea and vomiting was intolerable to me so I was then prescribed Lexapro/escitalopram. Once it began taking effect I had definitely noticed a dulling of emotion, but over time I realized that the positive was being dulled more significantly than the negative was. When I had voiced this concern to my doctor he added a prescription of Wellbutrin/bupropion. I have since been on both escitalopram and bupropion.

All this has happened while I was also enrolled full-time in college. I spent most of my time in college juggling a full schedule (usually five classes) and some form of a job (even multiple jobs at times), and I felt the end result was that both suffered; a GPA as high as 3.2 eventually went down to 2.89 at graduation time. I was twice elected president of the college's chapter of the ACM and chose to resign during the second term due to the instability I was dealing with, both in school and out of it, so that the club would not suffer. I had failed a couple of classes and had poor but passing performance in a couple of others. Through it all I had continued to listen to subs as I felt that I was still lacking positive messaging otherwise. I had and still have a therapist who has been a major source of positive support since 2012 and feel that the subs pick up where he leaves off, as I only see him once a week. I don't want to understate how important he and his work have been to me and my emotional development.

Fast forward to 2018 and it seems pretty much all of the physical improvements I have made have been undone; during the past 6+ months of listening to DMSI 3.2 and the tail end of 3.1 I've regained weight I lost previously as well as an increased waist size of apparently 42 inches. I also have lowered testosterone over time and outward displays of non-anger emotion from me seem more uncommon than ever. It's very possible that these are potential resistance tactics against the messaging of the sub, likely of the reversal kind. I have, however, graduated from college and eventually gained some form of employment. While it could be argued that the sub played a part in that, i.e. my vision of "maximum sexual irresistibility" is apparently "a college graduate with a good job," my goal was to graduate from college with a computer science bachelor's degree by hook or by crook long before I had even touched any motivational audio of any kind and obtaining a job afterwards with that additional leverage was almost a guarantee. Regardless, I will continue to listen to whatever motivational audio will contribute positively to my life, my improvement, and my goals.

There are many details, both small and large, that I've left out for now, but I hope this gives a better idea of my path with subs and self-improvement in general.