12-05-2018, 03:11 PM
This has been the most challenging sub for me, hands down. See when I was at my worst my goals were basically to become a functioning person. Job, being social, hobbies, etc. I got most of those things. That was about the ceiling as far as success goes. But now everything is shifting and some part of me is definitely terrified. There's this whole unknown aspect to my life again and even harder is the path I'm walking now related to doing something with my music is seen as a pipe dream by most people. Whereas before there was some certainty or guarantee, I feel this path is a lot more shaky.
In addition to that I had a moment of panic today at my job. There are a lot more tasks coming in, some that are rather challenging. I was trying to work on one and in my head I just felt this part repeating "I can't do this". When I was a kid my mom said I'd often repeat those very words whenever I came across something more challenging than usual for me. I'm usually pretty good at calming my anxiety regarding this stuff, but today was out of control. I felt paralyzed. Every time I tried to think of a solution or work out the logistics of the task I pretty much felt like crying. But it was like a domino effect and it started making me feel like I'll never be happy in my life and I'll always struggle. I guess it was compounded by the fact that all the stress of working here isn't contributing to my overall happiness.
But on my drive home I realized I have to change my approach to this stuff. I have to stop approaching it with apprehension and anxiety and instead lift myself up and tell myself I can do it. The fear is very strong though. Incredibly irrational, but strong. This has been a common theme in my life, I'm very reluctant to do anything unless I feel like I can do it. The issue with that is a lot of the time we don't know how to do something, we have to learn, and if you don't put yourself in that space of uncertainty you'll never grow. Part of the issue is sometimes this part of me is so afraid it'll sabotage efforts to think positively as well. Anything that could bring me closer to the fear, and ironically moving past it, tends to be reversed.
Today was just abnormally rough. It felt like a part of me was definitely lashing out. Right now I feel a lot of fear as I consciously urge myself to move past it and not run and hide like I usually do. I think there's just a lot going on right now. I've got that business trip coming up soon in january, these new projects, and I'm trying to squeeze in time to make music. Like I said part of me wants to run. But there's nowhere to run to and even if I did I wouldn't be any happier than if I stayed on course and continued to work on my life.
In addition to that I had a moment of panic today at my job. There are a lot more tasks coming in, some that are rather challenging. I was trying to work on one and in my head I just felt this part repeating "I can't do this". When I was a kid my mom said I'd often repeat those very words whenever I came across something more challenging than usual for me. I'm usually pretty good at calming my anxiety regarding this stuff, but today was out of control. I felt paralyzed. Every time I tried to think of a solution or work out the logistics of the task I pretty much felt like crying. But it was like a domino effect and it started making me feel like I'll never be happy in my life and I'll always struggle. I guess it was compounded by the fact that all the stress of working here isn't contributing to my overall happiness.
But on my drive home I realized I have to change my approach to this stuff. I have to stop approaching it with apprehension and anxiety and instead lift myself up and tell myself I can do it. The fear is very strong though. Incredibly irrational, but strong. This has been a common theme in my life, I'm very reluctant to do anything unless I feel like I can do it. The issue with that is a lot of the time we don't know how to do something, we have to learn, and if you don't put yourself in that space of uncertainty you'll never grow. Part of the issue is sometimes this part of me is so afraid it'll sabotage efforts to think positively as well. Anything that could bring me closer to the fear, and ironically moving past it, tends to be reversed.
Today was just abnormally rough. It felt like a part of me was definitely lashing out. Right now I feel a lot of fear as I consciously urge myself to move past it and not run and hide like I usually do. I think there's just a lot going on right now. I've got that business trip coming up soon in january, these new projects, and I'm trying to squeeze in time to make music. Like I said part of me wants to run. But there's nowhere to run to and even if I did I wouldn't be any happier than if I stayed on course and continued to work on my life.
INFP
