12-02-2018, 09:10 AM
Despite gong to bed at 9. I didn't actually get to sleep until 11. USLM just had me up awake in bed. I guess in a way it was restful because I wasn't doing anything, just relaxing my body. But so many thoughts were racing through my head. Something got stirred up inside of me. I was thinking about my job and how I felt this internal pressure to keep up appearances to everyone in my life that it was good and the right path for me. I don't know, so much of my life was spent being afraid, stuck, depressed, I was always so ashamed of that. I've always felt I had to prove to others that I wasn't some failure of a person. So I'd force myself into stuff just for the sake of not appearing like my life was a trainwreck.
But I'm hitting this point where I can't lie to myself about this stuff anymore. I can't BS myself into thinking everything is fine because it's not. The fact is, I've always been different and thought differently. Rather than embrace that I just tried to conform to some arbitrary standard. With fear in place it stuck, yeah I felt miserable but that fear prevented me from really breaking out of it. Now that the fear is being worked on I'm seeing how continuing down this path will only make me more unhappy. I feel like I'm getting to a point where my decisions and actions are fueled by what I really want, not fear. I'm also realizing how everything I've been taught in life stems from a fear based mentality. There wasn't much success based stuff growing up, or if there was my parents said it but their actions weren't congruent with it. So me being highly perceptive picked up on that and didn't really believe their positive words.
This morning I felt this deep sadness in me. Maybe it's always been there and I just numbed it out and continued on. But what it really felt like was that I was trapped and continuing in the same routine day in day out because I was too afraid to break it and go after something better. I've always felt like I couldn't fit in and I think it's just because I haven't found my niche so to speak.
But I'm hitting this point where I can't lie to myself about this stuff anymore. I can't BS myself into thinking everything is fine because it's not. The fact is, I've always been different and thought differently. Rather than embrace that I just tried to conform to some arbitrary standard. With fear in place it stuck, yeah I felt miserable but that fear prevented me from really breaking out of it. Now that the fear is being worked on I'm seeing how continuing down this path will only make me more unhappy. I feel like I'm getting to a point where my decisions and actions are fueled by what I really want, not fear. I'm also realizing how everything I've been taught in life stems from a fear based mentality. There wasn't much success based stuff growing up, or if there was my parents said it but their actions weren't congruent with it. So me being highly perceptive picked up on that and didn't really believe their positive words.
This morning I felt this deep sadness in me. Maybe it's always been there and I just numbed it out and continued on. But what it really felt like was that I was trapped and continuing in the same routine day in day out because I was too afraid to break it and go after something better. I've always felt like I couldn't fit in and I think it's just because I haven't found my niche so to speak.
INFP
