11-25-2018, 06:18 PM
I think my definition of success is very different from the common view of success. First I have to unearth what it is I want and then get it.
I took a trip to Maine to visit my mom. She had moved there recently. Her main goal being to get away from NY and the rat race that ensues there. I've got a love hate relationship with NY. There's a lot of cool stuff here, a lot of great music came from here and culture. But man does it really kick you in the nuts at times. I swear NY has an energy to it that you get sucked into. It's very frantic, edgy, sort of tense. I'm not in NYC, i'm in new york state. Even then I feel it. But anyway, I spent a few days in Maine and it was peaceful there. It gave me a look into what life could be like if I didn't stay here out of fear.
Not sure where I was going with this post. But basically my current job, I can't get behind the values of the company. Or more specifically I just don't care, and I don't particularly like giving my time to it. It feels like a leech, just sucking up my energy. My brief time in Maine gave me some time to think about the type of environment I'm exposed to here in NY.
I just really want a way out of all of it. Except I can't figure it out. At my core I now recognize that I'm very different from a lot of people and I have different needs and shouldn't be ashamed of that. Learning to understand my own needs and what makes me happy is very important. For a long time now I've felt like I'm "failing to integrate". Everything about how most people go about life rubbed me the wrong way.
At the end of the day everything seems to boil down to money and I hate that. Everything always ends up "but can I make enough money to survive doing this?" I hate that fear, I hate that I can't think of anything else except how to survive instead of live. I'm like a goddamn panicked animal that's just reacting to it's surrounding and is constantly on edge.
There's so much more to life. But when you're trapped in this stupid fear cycle it's like you get tunnel vision. Options seems limited, life falls into a strict routine, you feel like you're waiting for something good to come around but it never does because you never move beyond what holds you back.
I'm just venting all this because I'm really frustrated and rather pissed that there's an unseen pressure to fall in line with certain expectations in society. Expectations that I'm really done with. I feel like I've been following stupid arbitrary rules and guidelines implanted into my head that shouldn't be there in the first place.
I took a trip to Maine to visit my mom. She had moved there recently. Her main goal being to get away from NY and the rat race that ensues there. I've got a love hate relationship with NY. There's a lot of cool stuff here, a lot of great music came from here and culture. But man does it really kick you in the nuts at times. I swear NY has an energy to it that you get sucked into. It's very frantic, edgy, sort of tense. I'm not in NYC, i'm in new york state. Even then I feel it. But anyway, I spent a few days in Maine and it was peaceful there. It gave me a look into what life could be like if I didn't stay here out of fear.
Not sure where I was going with this post. But basically my current job, I can't get behind the values of the company. Or more specifically I just don't care, and I don't particularly like giving my time to it. It feels like a leech, just sucking up my energy. My brief time in Maine gave me some time to think about the type of environment I'm exposed to here in NY.
I just really want a way out of all of it. Except I can't figure it out. At my core I now recognize that I'm very different from a lot of people and I have different needs and shouldn't be ashamed of that. Learning to understand my own needs and what makes me happy is very important. For a long time now I've felt like I'm "failing to integrate". Everything about how most people go about life rubbed me the wrong way.
At the end of the day everything seems to boil down to money and I hate that. Everything always ends up "but can I make enough money to survive doing this?" I hate that fear, I hate that I can't think of anything else except how to survive instead of live. I'm like a goddamn panicked animal that's just reacting to it's surrounding and is constantly on edge.
There's so much more to life. But when you're trapped in this stupid fear cycle it's like you get tunnel vision. Options seems limited, life falls into a strict routine, you feel like you're waiting for something good to come around but it never does because you never move beyond what holds you back.
I'm just venting all this because I'm really frustrated and rather pissed that there's an unseen pressure to fall in line with certain expectations in society. Expectations that I'm really done with. I feel like I've been following stupid arbitrary rules and guidelines implanted into my head that shouldn't be there in the first place.
INFP
