I'm against doing a "victim/manipulative/dishonest with me" stance sharing here. E2 is saving my life since it has Overcome The Victim Mentality in it. I completely lived by that victim mentality in times past, and the lack of integrity it involves isolates and isolated me. It's using people. Nothing else. So, I'm unsure how to express what I am feeling.
Specifically, I feel unconfident. Like a platform I've been standing on has been pulled out from under me. I felt secure about my future many times using E2, knowing I'd be ok even while in pain. I felt like a young teenager seeing life with new eyes. I know I've been in a negative thinking ritual for years, E2 changed it slowly and gently, but it mostly had me integrating and practicing a positive attitude. I saw this gradual shift from relying on anyone else for positive thinking to pulling it from inside. It was freeing and exciting, wondering "what will happen today?"
But yesterday's sudden awareness had me doing old survival habits in the face of fear, seeking to feel good, or different, now. The strength of the memory and its reality had me scared to go back on E2, fearing it'd pull out EVERYTHING I feared. I'd played ASC last night, felt it today, but unsurprisingly, I felt turbulence. I was stuck with feeling insecure and unconfident, though glimpses of confidence did emerge. But, it was running from things which scare me--my self-cast beliefs of who I am. .....but running prompts more running. And it just cycled.
I'm playing E2 now, feeling a little less stressed, though I've only had it on 20 minutes so far.
I'm thinking of Mat422's old DMSI posts where he says he's knows he's trying to control the outcome. I'm doing that. Aren't we supposed to do that? I'm knowing it's nothing but fear.
I thought I was out of the muck, and I could finally breathe. --- that's not true. I always kept my eyes open for the easy out, the easy ride while living in emotional pain. I picked up USLM for that reason, not to go seek success. My motive was to not feel or fear emotional pain every single day.
I'm running E2 now since.......my inner pain never seems to go away, whether doing something or doing nothing at all. Hiding from it, running from it, is hell. E2 has some reprieve. I'll go one day at a time right now.
Tears only came in that last sentence. With some surrendering.
Specifically, I feel unconfident. Like a platform I've been standing on has been pulled out from under me. I felt secure about my future many times using E2, knowing I'd be ok even while in pain. I felt like a young teenager seeing life with new eyes. I know I've been in a negative thinking ritual for years, E2 changed it slowly and gently, but it mostly had me integrating and practicing a positive attitude. I saw this gradual shift from relying on anyone else for positive thinking to pulling it from inside. It was freeing and exciting, wondering "what will happen today?"
But yesterday's sudden awareness had me doing old survival habits in the face of fear, seeking to feel good, or different, now. The strength of the memory and its reality had me scared to go back on E2, fearing it'd pull out EVERYTHING I feared. I'd played ASC last night, felt it today, but unsurprisingly, I felt turbulence. I was stuck with feeling insecure and unconfident, though glimpses of confidence did emerge. But, it was running from things which scare me--my self-cast beliefs of who I am. .....but running prompts more running. And it just cycled.
I'm playing E2 now, feeling a little less stressed, though I've only had it on 20 minutes so far.
I'm thinking of Mat422's old DMSI posts where he says he's knows he's trying to control the outcome. I'm doing that. Aren't we supposed to do that? I'm knowing it's nothing but fear.
I thought I was out of the muck, and I could finally breathe. --- that's not true. I always kept my eyes open for the easy out, the easy ride while living in emotional pain. I picked up USLM for that reason, not to go seek success. My motive was to not feel or fear emotional pain every single day.
I'm running E2 now since.......my inner pain never seems to go away, whether doing something or doing nothing at all. Hiding from it, running from it, is hell. E2 has some reprieve. I'll go one day at a time right now.
Tears only came in that last sentence. With some surrendering.
I want to be FREE!
