11-05-2018, 01:03 AM
I saw my mom yesterday.
My thoughts are changing, and I'm ready for this. I'm in between desiring a closeness with her, a healed relationship, and being resentful at her. The issue is that my resentments carry nothing but pain for me. Maybe some old wounds in me are healing. I also am becoming aware how I can heal myself and relationships through my own choices. I made small changes yesterday which are reverberating in me today.
Yesterday was pretty relaxing, moreso since I was honest with her, and she with me. I'd never told her about my daughter attempting suicide weeks back, and I did yesterday. That's what opened our conversation, for she raised my niece, and my niece had tried to end her life too. It was relaxing since my mom knew her own self doubt and failings once seeing that with my niece, I picked up it still affected her, and she made no attempts at all to fix someone or something while I was there. To clarify, I've often been angry and defensive when she's tried to dismiss or fix my feelings. But she was unusually reserved, but also unusually honest. I relaxed knowing I could feel my own feelings, and she owned hers as well. The common fronts weren't there, and it was safe.
We talked about my daughter and my ex, and she ended up talking about other family members she's been struggling with, which are her children. I wasn't in a blaming or judgmental spot, and she picked that up. When I considered being judgmental in my mind, it felt hurtful to her and painful to me, so I rejected it. It was like "pain or peace?" I chose peace, and it came back nicely throughout our time together.
Something I'll admit to, since I'm changing, is that I had to look for resentments in my mind. I normally carry them easily. Looking back, I didn't WANT my resentments yesterday, or even memories of them. My resentments were always chosen by me to hurt her. I was no victim of them. I chose them. But yesterday......... I didn't want to carry that yuck. Why? I make pain for myself. I deserve better. I need better. I want better. I DID better.
This really happened. Even while writing, old habits of denying this tried to step in. But my ground floor is being revamped, and denial found nothing to hold on to. That's recovery. That's healing.
I'm still accepting this. This happened, and I helped create it. I wasn't powerless....over myself (
)
My thoughts are changing, and I'm ready for this. I'm in between desiring a closeness with her, a healed relationship, and being resentful at her. The issue is that my resentments carry nothing but pain for me. Maybe some old wounds in me are healing. I also am becoming aware how I can heal myself and relationships through my own choices. I made small changes yesterday which are reverberating in me today.
Yesterday was pretty relaxing, moreso since I was honest with her, and she with me. I'd never told her about my daughter attempting suicide weeks back, and I did yesterday. That's what opened our conversation, for she raised my niece, and my niece had tried to end her life too. It was relaxing since my mom knew her own self doubt and failings once seeing that with my niece, I picked up it still affected her, and she made no attempts at all to fix someone or something while I was there. To clarify, I've often been angry and defensive when she's tried to dismiss or fix my feelings. But she was unusually reserved, but also unusually honest. I relaxed knowing I could feel my own feelings, and she owned hers as well. The common fronts weren't there, and it was safe.
We talked about my daughter and my ex, and she ended up talking about other family members she's been struggling with, which are her children. I wasn't in a blaming or judgmental spot, and she picked that up. When I considered being judgmental in my mind, it felt hurtful to her and painful to me, so I rejected it. It was like "pain or peace?" I chose peace, and it came back nicely throughout our time together.
Something I'll admit to, since I'm changing, is that I had to look for resentments in my mind. I normally carry them easily. Looking back, I didn't WANT my resentments yesterday, or even memories of them. My resentments were always chosen by me to hurt her. I was no victim of them. I chose them. But yesterday......... I didn't want to carry that yuck. Why? I make pain for myself. I deserve better. I need better. I want better. I DID better.
This really happened. Even while writing, old habits of denying this tried to step in. But my ground floor is being revamped, and denial found nothing to hold on to. That's recovery. That's healing.
I'm still accepting this. This happened, and I helped create it. I wasn't powerless....over myself (
)
I want to be FREE!
