10-29-2018, 01:38 PM
I'm desiring to write in a new fashion. I'm going to just do it.
I came here today, feeling excitement over other's threads and writings, but a remembrance of pain and shame in my own thread. I've felt shame my whole life, and shame is the reason why my life became very small. But yesterday, after writing my whole thread, I put the intro line in, for I saw a root. Me seeing how my life had been buried due to me taking responsibliity for my mom was humongous. I wasn't angry, in tears, or really fearful. But I did skip out on seeing my mom. I wanted to be happy, and the way I act around my mom, I'd not have been happy with myself. I'd have sold out again, looking for affection and love expressed....but been disappointed. I didn't go.
For a moment I'm going to try to attach it to my relationships with women, for I've actually been thinking of a belief I've had around women. I think I've done the same with my mom. Fuck, this is embarrassing, but these "secrets" hurt more than help me.
A Jamaican woman works in my branch, and I've gotten the impression a couple of times she likes me. Today, I was told by my coworker that she was mad at me (he was joking), but she did want to see me since she'd not done so today. Both of us returned to see her before lunch. She shared she was taking some days off next week, and she looked at me and spoke in a sexy tone about what she'd be doing. She'd shared with me alone months back that vegging out in front of the TV is a highlight for her since so much is demanded of her at work. She needs "disconnect time". She didn't wish to say out loud "I'm not gonna do s***!", but I knew why she was holding back. She didn't want to broadcast it since she's given status now by the uppers.
But here's what I noticed in myself. While looking at her, my mindset flipped to me when I was new with my wife-to-be at the time, around 15 years ago. I felt like I wanted to own her and control her for my needs--sexual, social, anything and everything. Looking back, I see it was all about me. In a few seconds time while she spoke today, those same desires surfaced in me.
Now, I want to compare this to my relationship with my mom. I let her "own" me from my early teens on. I was submissive to her. I'd give her money. I'd shop for her. I'd listen to her. I made myself responsible for her since I wanted her love. That's why I always did those things. I just wanted her love. She never gave me love and a maturity I could lean on. It was fucking sick. What I think/know I did today was what I'd done with my wife: I turned the tables. I wanted my needs met now. Those needs still existed, and I'd found a person who I could "make" fill them for me. Thus, the controlling mindset and behavior.
I know it's not the glory post some write or have written, but I absolutely refuse to let my secrets own me anymore. Enough is enough!
I'll stop for now. This, too, is a big awareness of what I'm doing, and why.
I came here today, feeling excitement over other's threads and writings, but a remembrance of pain and shame in my own thread. I've felt shame my whole life, and shame is the reason why my life became very small. But yesterday, after writing my whole thread, I put the intro line in, for I saw a root. Me seeing how my life had been buried due to me taking responsibliity for my mom was humongous. I wasn't angry, in tears, or really fearful. But I did skip out on seeing my mom. I wanted to be happy, and the way I act around my mom, I'd not have been happy with myself. I'd have sold out again, looking for affection and love expressed....but been disappointed. I didn't go.
For a moment I'm going to try to attach it to my relationships with women, for I've actually been thinking of a belief I've had around women. I think I've done the same with my mom. Fuck, this is embarrassing, but these "secrets" hurt more than help me.
A Jamaican woman works in my branch, and I've gotten the impression a couple of times she likes me. Today, I was told by my coworker that she was mad at me (he was joking), but she did want to see me since she'd not done so today. Both of us returned to see her before lunch. She shared she was taking some days off next week, and she looked at me and spoke in a sexy tone about what she'd be doing. She'd shared with me alone months back that vegging out in front of the TV is a highlight for her since so much is demanded of her at work. She needs "disconnect time". She didn't wish to say out loud "I'm not gonna do s***!", but I knew why she was holding back. She didn't want to broadcast it since she's given status now by the uppers.
But here's what I noticed in myself. While looking at her, my mindset flipped to me when I was new with my wife-to-be at the time, around 15 years ago. I felt like I wanted to own her and control her for my needs--sexual, social, anything and everything. Looking back, I see it was all about me. In a few seconds time while she spoke today, those same desires surfaced in me.
Now, I want to compare this to my relationship with my mom. I let her "own" me from my early teens on. I was submissive to her. I'd give her money. I'd shop for her. I'd listen to her. I made myself responsible for her since I wanted her love. That's why I always did those things. I just wanted her love. She never gave me love and a maturity I could lean on. It was fucking sick. What I think/know I did today was what I'd done with my wife: I turned the tables. I wanted my needs met now. Those needs still existed, and I'd found a person who I could "make" fill them for me. Thus, the controlling mindset and behavior.
I know it's not the glory post some write or have written, but I absolutely refuse to let my secrets own me anymore. Enough is enough!
I'll stop for now. This, too, is a big awareness of what I'm doing, and why.
I want to be FREE!
