10-27-2018, 08:17 AM
I'm realizing, even this morning, I'm feeling and seeing my old want to not be responsible, not make good choices, avoid (imagined) confrontations with people, and just plain......fail.
I'm not quite the same at this moment in time. There used to be an excitement I'd feel when running away. It was a mix of "I got away with this!" but also "I hope noone sees me running away." The lies to myself grew and became dominant in my "adult" personality. I was always scared someone would find out my truth and totally reject me. Lies needed more lies. Hiding required more hiding. An endless cycle of "Try. Expect to fail. Fail. Run away from consequences". This habit went on for many years, and I grew accustomed to not succeeding. My life became smaller as I did the same thing, day in and day out.
I have done that same thing here. I expected to fail in almost every single way. I say that with conviction since I've been stuck on words in the PTPA sales page. Those with negative thinking avoid the fear of success. Failing.....was easier. Failing "shielded" me from the battle in my mind that I wasn't worth good things like success and peace in my relationships. I do remember 2 years ago me greatly stressing due to my known sabotaging efforts. I was looking for highs in life via possible businesses and the mental journeys to stay on a specific course, and I saw myself snafu-ing everything I could think as an avenue to success. Here at IML, I'd write, but would quickly begin putting myself down, discounting good things, and even be angry with myself when I achieved some success. (Really??) Yes. I did that so people wouldn't get close, and I'd not have to deal with fearing failure again. That was my thinking, and it touched every single thing I knew was important.
USLM is the latest IML sub, and people are reporting--not enough IMO
. The root issues I see in myself I only rarely hear about from users. I know emotional holds keep me (and maybe others) in this cycle of looking at a problem, trying some solution which touches me, but not necessarily changing the root. And maybe that's why I've been in this cycle.
But a big deterrent to going this same loop is PTPA. E2 has it in it, and it's making itself known. Shannon didn't mention it in the USLM sales page, but I'm sure PTPA is a real base to USLM. And reports of feeling calm and unstressed are identical to people's reportings on PTPA 5.5G. Even Shannon mentioned its affects on him.
I've had a lot of emotions come and go this morning, and I'm seeing things differently compared to months and years back. I'm not owned by dark moods, nor fearing bad things happening. I've seen this clearly at work lately, as I've instantly rejected people's adamant statements that things would be "Bad. All bad!" I don't accept that. I just don't. No defense is needed. That thinking has stole many days from me, so why would I want them back? I don't. I have no desire to mingle with this mindset. None at all.
This is a beautiful awareness. I'm grateful I found IML.
I'm not quite the same at this moment in time. There used to be an excitement I'd feel when running away. It was a mix of "I got away with this!" but also "I hope noone sees me running away." The lies to myself grew and became dominant in my "adult" personality. I was always scared someone would find out my truth and totally reject me. Lies needed more lies. Hiding required more hiding. An endless cycle of "Try. Expect to fail. Fail. Run away from consequences". This habit went on for many years, and I grew accustomed to not succeeding. My life became smaller as I did the same thing, day in and day out.
I have done that same thing here. I expected to fail in almost every single way. I say that with conviction since I've been stuck on words in the PTPA sales page. Those with negative thinking avoid the fear of success. Failing.....was easier. Failing "shielded" me from the battle in my mind that I wasn't worth good things like success and peace in my relationships. I do remember 2 years ago me greatly stressing due to my known sabotaging efforts. I was looking for highs in life via possible businesses and the mental journeys to stay on a specific course, and I saw myself snafu-ing everything I could think as an avenue to success. Here at IML, I'd write, but would quickly begin putting myself down, discounting good things, and even be angry with myself when I achieved some success. (Really??) Yes. I did that so people wouldn't get close, and I'd not have to deal with fearing failure again. That was my thinking, and it touched every single thing I knew was important.
USLM is the latest IML sub, and people are reporting--not enough IMO
. The root issues I see in myself I only rarely hear about from users. I know emotional holds keep me (and maybe others) in this cycle of looking at a problem, trying some solution which touches me, but not necessarily changing the root. And maybe that's why I've been in this cycle. But a big deterrent to going this same loop is PTPA. E2 has it in it, and it's making itself known. Shannon didn't mention it in the USLM sales page, but I'm sure PTPA is a real base to USLM. And reports of feeling calm and unstressed are identical to people's reportings on PTPA 5.5G. Even Shannon mentioned its affects on him.
I've had a lot of emotions come and go this morning, and I'm seeing things differently compared to months and years back. I'm not owned by dark moods, nor fearing bad things happening. I've seen this clearly at work lately, as I've instantly rejected people's adamant statements that things would be "Bad. All bad!" I don't accept that. I just don't. No defense is needed. That thinking has stole many days from me, so why would I want them back? I don't. I have no desire to mingle with this mindset. None at all.
This is a beautiful awareness
. I'm grateful I found IML.
I want to be FREE!
