10-24-2018, 03:56 PM
I got a call from my ex about my daughter while still at work, but I knew she'd just had her first family meeting at the psych hospital, so I was glad she called. I couldn't talk since I was still working, but I called her right after work, before leaving.
It was good to hear how how my daughter was, and I was liking how she's drawing boundaries for herself. She doesn't feel ready to go home, for she's dealing heavily with shame right now. She does not want a rush of people when she arrives home, for she needs to acclimate back to her surroundings. I'm glad she's being encouraged to make boundaries, for I remembered today when she shared some honest feelings when I visited her in March. Kind of funny writing this, but I felt like I was with a middle schooler emotionally. It's only funny since she was a middle schooler. And middle schoolers are annoyed easily by many authority figures
Regarding me and E2, my ex made one comment about herself which stayed with me. She said she was going out with friends tonight since they knew she shouldn't be alone. This hit me. I don't have any true, close friends, friends who I would call for anything at anytime. I've been so afraid to let people close. Even today, an attractive woman's been working with a crew in my department, and they're only in town until Friday. Yesterday she kind of gave me signs she was interested in me. I was being teased consistently by a few coworkers, but.......I was scared. I felt my eyes dropping down when she was around. My fear: she might get to know me, and then abandon me. It's the same fear I have with any attractive woman, and also with any male who wants to befriend me. I've kept my distance so I'd avoid feeling this again.
I'm sitting with that. I have no idea what will happen next. One thing at a time, for I'm feeling something I can't even articulate now.
It was good to hear how how my daughter was, and I was liking how she's drawing boundaries for herself. She doesn't feel ready to go home, for she's dealing heavily with shame right now. She does not want a rush of people when she arrives home, for she needs to acclimate back to her surroundings. I'm glad she's being encouraged to make boundaries, for I remembered today when she shared some honest feelings when I visited her in March. Kind of funny writing this, but I felt like I was with a middle schooler emotionally. It's only funny since she was a middle schooler. And middle schoolers are annoyed easily by many authority figures
Regarding me and E2, my ex made one comment about herself which stayed with me. She said she was going out with friends tonight since they knew she shouldn't be alone. This hit me. I don't have any true, close friends, friends who I would call for anything at anytime. I've been so afraid to let people close. Even today, an attractive woman's been working with a crew in my department, and they're only in town until Friday. Yesterday she kind of gave me signs she was interested in me. I was being teased consistently by a few coworkers, but.......I was scared. I felt my eyes dropping down when she was around. My fear: she might get to know me, and then abandon me. It's the same fear I have with any attractive woman, and also with any male who wants to befriend me. I've kept my distance so I'd avoid feeling this again.
I'm sitting with that. I have no idea what will happen next. One thing at a time, for I'm feeling something I can't even articulate now.
I want to be FREE!
