10-17-2018, 01:07 PM
Today I worked with my phone in my pocket, running E2.
I noticed I felt familiar abandonment pain when near my other 2 workers today, both being male. They'd gotten into a passionate discussion about social expectations, and I kept out of the discussion a bit. First off, it stirred strong emotion in both, and......I was afraid of really expressing my own feelings. One even saw a look in my eyes once, and he considerately asked "you ok?" Without resisting, I said bluntly, "I'm trying not to be aware", which was vague to him, but honest in me. I associated letting my emotions out with being hurt. So, I was trying to avoid myself a bit today, for this discussion persisted for almost 2 hours.
My second, more tangible reason for staying away was the conversation distracted both from working consistently, and 2 bosses began showing up, a rarity in my department. I kept looking for work, knowing they only appear when people are goofing off.
This bothered me since one older worker had encouraged me this morning to speak up and "be strong" around my workers today. I felt more unconfident of myself at his words for............I'm trying to focus on myself right now. Confidence has not been a strong point for me lately. My mind has been mostly emotional, not detached and organized. I've been all emotional, hoping I might have a breaking point, a point when tears could not be held back anymore. I'm closer, I do know that. E2 has been in my memory banks lately, dredging up feelings and emotionally tagged memories, a bit at a time.
I'm so close.
I noticed I felt familiar abandonment pain when near my other 2 workers today, both being male. They'd gotten into a passionate discussion about social expectations, and I kept out of the discussion a bit. First off, it stirred strong emotion in both, and......I was afraid of really expressing my own feelings. One even saw a look in my eyes once, and he considerately asked "you ok?" Without resisting, I said bluntly, "I'm trying not to be aware", which was vague to him, but honest in me. I associated letting my emotions out with being hurt. So, I was trying to avoid myself a bit today, for this discussion persisted for almost 2 hours.
My second, more tangible reason for staying away was the conversation distracted both from working consistently, and 2 bosses began showing up, a rarity in my department. I kept looking for work, knowing they only appear when people are goofing off.
This bothered me since one older worker had encouraged me this morning to speak up and "be strong" around my workers today. I felt more unconfident of myself at his words for............I'm trying to focus on myself right now. Confidence has not been a strong point for me lately. My mind has been mostly emotional, not detached and organized. I've been all emotional, hoping I might have a breaking point, a point when tears could not be held back anymore. I'm closer, I do know that. E2 has been in my memory banks lately, dredging up feelings and emotionally tagged memories, a bit at a time.
I'm so close.
I want to be FREE!
