Update: I got close to my healing goals using E2 last Saturday.
It scared the s*** out of me.
I had to work to complete a project, and my coworker was with me. Just being on E2 felt like a combination of old memories, pain, and sadness. I've not felt wild emotional swings like some have had, though I'm often "just" aware of what's cooking beneath the surface.
We've talked about a lot of real life issues with him having been in the military 4 years. And somehow, the issue of my brother came up. I know it just felt right, so I shared I knew I worked in this company since it's primarily men only, and I've been using men as brother substitutes. He asked a few times while I was talking "are you ok?", and each time, I said "no". I knew my eyes were teary, and I kept going. I never shared about the attempted rape by my brother.
With me mentally trying to hang on to "normal" (meaning I live mostly being ignorant of this) it freaked me out, and I talked nervously of what I could do instead of feeling powerless. I remembered UD, and how freeing it felt during execution, and I shared I'd likely jump onto it soon. I was in an emotional panic, looking back now.
Coming home, I did turn on UD for almost 2 hours. I felt better, but the internal panic still remained. When I came home later in the evening, I ran 6 loops of UD on hybrid. Sunday, I still felt scared inside, and I was in full-on attempt to not feel this fear. I ran Ultra Success 4G for a couple of hours--anything to distract--and I ran Absolute Self Confidence 5G the rest of the day.
ASC 5G was what overloaded me, for when I put on UD on ultrasonic to sleep to, a tension had built up. After 20 minutes or so, I turned it off. I'd done too much.
Throughout my ASC run, I'd done this subliminal plan scrapping, and I remembered my days pre-subs. Just surviving. I imagined just absolutely scrapping any IML sub use, even thinking I might move in with my mom. I imagined all the worst of the worst. A total "my life is f*****!" mentality. I was in a bad space. Which is strange.........it felt familiar to me
My head still hurt throughout the next morning at work. I still felt slightly overloaded, so I didn't run E2. However, by lunch, I challenged myself. Stay feeling like s***? Did I really want to? No. I had felt desperate, but I didn't want to live there. I turned on E2, nervously.
What happened in the next 4 hours, in comparison, was miraculous. I felt relieved, and I was exuberant. My coworker, having seen me on Saturday, said his view of me had changed in the afternoon. I can only assume he thought I'd stay in that mood. I even noticed people wanted to be closer to me, which I only realized hours later. I just felt great!
I came home right after work today, showered, and jumped in bed. Haven't slept, but I needed dark and quiet. I've been emotionally tired, so I'm resting now.
I'm still not confident about stopping E2 on Halloween. Shannon said stay on it until I don't "need" another sub. Damn.....why do I buck people who are looking out for my best interest?
ummmm.... my truth is foolish. It's a subtle control/revenge tactic. The truth is I've often hurt me hoping I'd hurt you. "You want to hurt me?! Well, watch this!" And I make some decision, fully in my control, which hurts me, likely in numerous ways. I've heard sober addicts and alcoholics admit this numerous times.
I don't have to do that. I have done it. The root is my trust being hurt, and the anger I'd never felt over it. Tears came while admitting that.
I'd like Shannon to know something. The PTPA is an absolute lifeline in E2. My days sometime are s*** at work, but my mood defies the setting. It's a strong, strong motivator for returning to E2. If I felt like s*** every single day, I would have stopped ages ago. Thank you for putting this in
Edit: my vulnerability Saturday worked to my coworker's benefit. He was tired today, and about an hour in, he shared that his girlfriend, who had been pregnant 4 months, had had a miscarriage last night. This was their 3rd miscarriage. It stuck with me since he admitted he'd lost 3 children so far. He said with me sharing Saturday, it encouraged him to share his stuff too. He talked about it throughout the day.
It scared the s*** out of me.
I had to work to complete a project, and my coworker was with me. Just being on E2 felt like a combination of old memories, pain, and sadness. I've not felt wild emotional swings like some have had, though I'm often "just" aware of what's cooking beneath the surface.
We've talked about a lot of real life issues with him having been in the military 4 years. And somehow, the issue of my brother came up. I know it just felt right, so I shared I knew I worked in this company since it's primarily men only, and I've been using men as brother substitutes. He asked a few times while I was talking "are you ok?", and each time, I said "no". I knew my eyes were teary, and I kept going. I never shared about the attempted rape by my brother.
With me mentally trying to hang on to "normal" (meaning I live mostly being ignorant of this) it freaked me out, and I talked nervously of what I could do instead of feeling powerless. I remembered UD, and how freeing it felt during execution, and I shared I'd likely jump onto it soon. I was in an emotional panic, looking back now.
Coming home, I did turn on UD for almost 2 hours. I felt better, but the internal panic still remained. When I came home later in the evening, I ran 6 loops of UD on hybrid. Sunday, I still felt scared inside, and I was in full-on attempt to not feel this fear. I ran Ultra Success 4G for a couple of hours--anything to distract--and I ran Absolute Self Confidence 5G the rest of the day.
ASC 5G was what overloaded me, for when I put on UD on ultrasonic to sleep to, a tension had built up. After 20 minutes or so, I turned it off. I'd done too much.
Throughout my ASC run, I'd done this subliminal plan scrapping, and I remembered my days pre-subs. Just surviving. I imagined just absolutely scrapping any IML sub use, even thinking I might move in with my mom. I imagined all the worst of the worst. A total "my life is f*****!" mentality. I was in a bad space. Which is strange.........it felt familiar to me
My head still hurt throughout the next morning at work. I still felt slightly overloaded, so I didn't run E2. However, by lunch, I challenged myself. Stay feeling like s***? Did I really want to? No. I had felt desperate, but I didn't want to live there. I turned on E2, nervously.
What happened in the next 4 hours, in comparison, was miraculous. I felt relieved, and I was exuberant. My coworker, having seen me on Saturday, said his view of me had changed in the afternoon. I can only assume he thought I'd stay in that mood. I even noticed people wanted to be closer to me, which I only realized hours later. I just felt great!
I came home right after work today, showered, and jumped in bed. Haven't slept, but I needed dark and quiet. I've been emotionally tired, so I'm resting now.
I'm still not confident about stopping E2 on Halloween. Shannon said stay on it until I don't "need" another sub. Damn.....why do I buck people who are looking out for my best interest?
ummmm.... my truth is foolish. It's a subtle control/revenge tactic. The truth is I've often hurt me hoping I'd hurt you. "You want to hurt me?! Well, watch this!" And I make some decision, fully in my control, which hurts me, likely in numerous ways. I've heard sober addicts and alcoholics admit this numerous times.
I don't have to do that. I have done it. The root is my trust being hurt, and the anger I'd never felt over it. Tears came while admitting that.
I'd like Shannon to know something. The PTPA is an absolute lifeline in E2. My days sometime are s*** at work, but my mood defies the setting. It's a strong, strong motivator for returning to E2. If I felt like s*** every single day, I would have stopped ages ago. Thank you for putting this in
Edit: my vulnerability Saturday worked to my coworker's benefit. He was tired today, and about an hour in, he shared that his girlfriend, who had been pregnant 4 months, had had a miscarriage last night. This was their 3rd miscarriage. It stuck with me since he admitted he'd lost 3 children so far. He said with me sharing Saturday, it encouraged him to share his stuff too. He talked about it throughout the day.
I want to be FREE!
