10-12-2018, 05:38 PM
I'm lonely. I feel like something's been broken down, a defense to keep people away, and I'm gradually letting people back in. A part of me has felt sadness with this, though I've not had much down time to sit with it. I may.......or may not cancel on my friends tomorrow night, though do-nothing time is nice. However, I am more in need of relationships in my life presently.
This morning I texted my daughter. I'd had some "victim dad" thinking going on and off since..........can't finish that line. I texted her, then saw she'd posted something on IG, and I messaged her a compliment.
I also texted my mom with a "I love you mom". I'm really wanting to retire the "I'll save you" role and thinking; I'm tired of purposely avoiding me when I go there. Only I can do that. I have fear remaining, thus I've not made any move yet. My mom is a capable adult. She doesn't need saving. I'm feeling I can love her with some limits. And only I can set my limits. My text was a message to remind her she wasn't hated--she'd thought that before.
Then, tonight I went to the store to get just some bananas for work. I got gas first, and when waiting in line at the station, a beautiful young mom with 3 young kids was in line in front of me. I smiled when I saw her kids, as they were just being kids. The mom looked at me, we caught eyes for a few seconds, and she quickly changed how she had been handling the toddler she was holding. Instead of being impatient (her other two were on the ground), she quickly put her nose in her toddler's chest, making playful sounds. I was honored and flattered she was doing this in my presence. I thought "she did this for me?" Nothing came of that, but I checked myself since I'd felt undeserving of good things prior to this.
Even today, my boss showed me some trust, and I felt honored. Again, I was thinking "you trust me? Really?" And later I told my coworker about this. I was needing to spit out some honesty, so I shared.......I'd not trusted myself much.
And I'm being honest here. I purchased USLM last night, not since I'm jonesing for a new sub. I will go to Halloween (at least) on E2. I've felt uncomfortable and not fully up to par, but I'm knowing the ugly always precedes the breakthroughs, both mentally and physically. I purchased USLM since 1. Shannon mentioned the fear removal modules may jump the price later, 2. fear of success is a major hideout in my life, a common loophole I stop MANY things with, and 3. I'm really curious if the FRM will work like Shannon hopes it will. I'm reading USLM journals to see effects. I do own US4G, and many months back, while listening to it, I felt a rush, a really good feeling. I just felt good. No plans or ideas of future projects (that I remember). I just felt good.
Presently, I have no plan on when I'll run USLM. I've not really been dwelling on any IML sub lately. I have been building this desire for taking care of myself, and standing up for myself has been a top consideration. E2 has been a foundation builder rather than a specific skill builder, so little things like me dressing nicely to go out tonight make me feel confident it supports this in me.
But.....USLM. Why? Since I've been afraid to stand up for myself. I've hid behind every fear or reason I know, and most are imaginations of failure. Failure has been the path of least resistance. I do not want to look at my life 20 years from now and think "why didn't I...........try?" Regret is one of the most painful emotions one can live with. So, I'll do USLM sometime in the coming months.
This morning I texted my daughter. I'd had some "victim dad" thinking going on and off since..........can't finish that line. I texted her, then saw she'd posted something on IG, and I messaged her a compliment.
I also texted my mom with a "I love you mom". I'm really wanting to retire the "I'll save you" role and thinking; I'm tired of purposely avoiding me when I go there. Only I can do that. I have fear remaining, thus I've not made any move yet. My mom is a capable adult. She doesn't need saving. I'm feeling I can love her with some limits. And only I can set my limits. My text was a message to remind her she wasn't hated--she'd thought that before.
Then, tonight I went to the store to get just some bananas for work. I got gas first, and when waiting in line at the station, a beautiful young mom with 3 young kids was in line in front of me. I smiled when I saw her kids, as they were just being kids. The mom looked at me, we caught eyes for a few seconds, and she quickly changed how she had been handling the toddler she was holding. Instead of being impatient (her other two were on the ground), she quickly put her nose in her toddler's chest, making playful sounds. I was honored and flattered she was doing this in my presence. I thought "she did this for me?" Nothing came of that, but I checked myself since I'd felt undeserving of good things prior to this.
Even today, my boss showed me some trust, and I felt honored. Again, I was thinking "you trust me? Really?" And later I told my coworker about this. I was needing to spit out some honesty, so I shared.......I'd not trusted myself much.
And I'm being honest here. I purchased USLM last night, not since I'm jonesing for a new sub. I will go to Halloween (at least) on E2. I've felt uncomfortable and not fully up to par, but I'm knowing the ugly always precedes the breakthroughs, both mentally and physically. I purchased USLM since 1. Shannon mentioned the fear removal modules may jump the price later, 2. fear of success is a major hideout in my life, a common loophole I stop MANY things with, and 3. I'm really curious if the FRM will work like Shannon hopes it will. I'm reading USLM journals to see effects. I do own US4G, and many months back, while listening to it, I felt a rush, a really good feeling. I just felt good. No plans or ideas of future projects (that I remember). I just felt good.
Presently, I have no plan on when I'll run USLM. I've not really been dwelling on any IML sub lately. I have been building this desire for taking care of myself, and standing up for myself has been a top consideration. E2 has been a foundation builder rather than a specific skill builder, so little things like me dressing nicely to go out tonight make me feel confident it supports this in me.
But.....USLM. Why? Since I've been afraid to stand up for myself. I've hid behind every fear or reason I know, and most are imaginations of failure. Failure has been the path of least resistance. I do not want to look at my life 20 years from now and think "why didn't I...........try?" Regret is one of the most painful emotions one can live with. So, I'll do USLM sometime in the coming months.
I want to be FREE!
