10-10-2018, 04:07 PM
Triggered today. Feeling old feelings wanting to come out. Listening to E2 now, as talking about PTSD sufferers today triggered something in me.
I worked most of the day with my department equal, a 28 yo guy from NY, but he acts kiddish a lot, so it's been comfortable working with him. And though he was in the Army National Guard, he never deployed overseas. I've listened to his stories of boot camp and practice drills, and I'd never felt unsafe in my gut, like I might be triggered. I'm not sure the last time I felt triggered.
But....today we talked about his deployment for Hurricane Sandy, as he witnessed people acting very desperately. He kept talking about it, as we worked late. I felt that brother-like tug in my gut, and he shared something which is hitting home.
He accidentally learned firsthand about PTSD from a sergeant of his who'd served in the Middle East. Since he and the sarge always teased and joked with each other on base (here in the US), one day he took his laser scope, the kind with the red dot showing, and pointed it around his sarge, inching it closer to him (they were both artillerymen). It took maybe 10 seconds, but the sarge, in split seconds, had thrown himself under a desk, and reacted like he was carrying a rifle in his empty arms, pointing it at snipers in his vicinity. My coworker had no clue this would happen, apologized profusely again and again, and took him out for meals for weeks after, all after seeing he'd flipped a live switch in the sarge, him immediately thinking he was in battle. To this day, he is extremely reluctant to even ask other vets about things like physical scars, as he's scared it'll possibly wake some memory up. He deeply regretted this experience.
Well, for me, my brother feelings were surfacing, as him almost following me around in simple tasks made me see....maybe project...that he was seeking a brother figure. I did project this on him, for I became slowly more uncomfortable the more he followed. He wasn't weird. But after talking about PTSD stuff, I wondered if I had old live memories in me.
While walking to our cars, I began dropping my guard, and hints of very strong feelings rose. I almost left, but maybe in brother seeking mode, I said something honest to him.
"Hey, I wanted to let you know your stories hit something in me. (I thought quickly)........I'll share it tomorrow"
"Huh? What is it?"
"No, I'll share it tomorrow. I'll see you later"
I realized something powerful was rising in me. I didn't share, as I was too raw at that moment. It felt like something giant was trying to get out. I had to get home to listen to E2, as it felt like a train was coming (symbolically). My phone battery had been low most of the day, so I'd had my phone off.
Thank you Shannon. I've had rest and positivity lately on E2. But without it, I might have done some major desperate distraction tonight. How else would I cope in immediate need? I thought of E2 first.
Thank you for making this.
I worked most of the day with my department equal, a 28 yo guy from NY, but he acts kiddish a lot, so it's been comfortable working with him. And though he was in the Army National Guard, he never deployed overseas. I've listened to his stories of boot camp and practice drills, and I'd never felt unsafe in my gut, like I might be triggered. I'm not sure the last time I felt triggered.
But....today we talked about his deployment for Hurricane Sandy, as he witnessed people acting very desperately. He kept talking about it, as we worked late. I felt that brother-like tug in my gut, and he shared something which is hitting home.
He accidentally learned firsthand about PTSD from a sergeant of his who'd served in the Middle East. Since he and the sarge always teased and joked with each other on base (here in the US), one day he took his laser scope, the kind with the red dot showing, and pointed it around his sarge, inching it closer to him (they were both artillerymen). It took maybe 10 seconds, but the sarge, in split seconds, had thrown himself under a desk, and reacted like he was carrying a rifle in his empty arms, pointing it at snipers in his vicinity. My coworker had no clue this would happen, apologized profusely again and again, and took him out for meals for weeks after, all after seeing he'd flipped a live switch in the sarge, him immediately thinking he was in battle. To this day, he is extremely reluctant to even ask other vets about things like physical scars, as he's scared it'll possibly wake some memory up. He deeply regretted this experience.
Well, for me, my brother feelings were surfacing, as him almost following me around in simple tasks made me see....maybe project...that he was seeking a brother figure. I did project this on him, for I became slowly more uncomfortable the more he followed. He wasn't weird. But after talking about PTSD stuff, I wondered if I had old live memories in me.
While walking to our cars, I began dropping my guard, and hints of very strong feelings rose. I almost left, but maybe in brother seeking mode, I said something honest to him.
"Hey, I wanted to let you know your stories hit something in me. (I thought quickly)........I'll share it tomorrow"
"Huh? What is it?"
"No, I'll share it tomorrow. I'll see you later"
I realized something powerful was rising in me. I didn't share, as I was too raw at that moment. It felt like something giant was trying to get out. I had to get home to listen to E2, as it felt like a train was coming (symbolically). My phone battery had been low most of the day, so I'd had my phone off.
Thank you Shannon. I've had rest and positivity lately on E2. But without it, I might have done some major desperate distraction tonight. How else would I cope in immediate need? I thought of E2 first.
Thank you for making this.
I want to be FREE!
