10-09-2018, 02:25 PM
I've had big and little revelations lately on E2. I've resisted coming on here and writing just for other's acceptance, which is an old fear based manipulation I've used. I'm withdrawing from doing it, gradually, at work too. No rush--and the manipulation is all fear based, meaning I write to outrun the truth. E2's pace is pro and con, depending on how fast or slow I'm wishing to go each day.
I was working with 2 others today, and I felt good. Not ecstatic, just grateful I was in peaceful and positive communication with male peers around me. A BIG sidenote on this, which I've seen coming back to me these last 2 weeks, is my positivity. I have undervalued thinking positively, mainly since.....I was not positive? Made me laugh writing that. But I was working with these 2 today, one an ex-Army National Guard artilleryman, and he said something as a remark which I caught. It was something along the lines of "since you're oh so positive", which I took as a compliment. We mock and tease each other throughout the day, and I enjoy the kid-ish playing. I even remarked about it when leaving, which wasn't planned, and he said it makes the day go by much easier, which I really REALLY agree with. We're doing some unintelligent work for the main boss, and my prior stress was "how can I make others happy?" I'm not focused on them (or all fearful about it). I'm enjoying being with myself, in my own thinking, and sharing it comfortably when asked, or when it'd benefit others around.
For example, we were discussing our head boss, a man who provokes fear easily in his employees--he uses it to manipulate people when needed. I shared something which I'd not even thought of until we brought it up. I shared the ONLY times I'm afraid of him now is when I'm not wanting to take responsibility on something. That alone says something to me, for I said the truth without "checking/cross-checking/hesitating" again and again. Those good changes feel GOOD. I thought of it also since I heard myself fearing taking responsibility, and being on E2 (surprisingly) has hit on this. Sharing now, I've feared doing so since I feared being overused/misused. Maybe since I've had a soft spot for......ooooo....people who don't take responsibility on themselves. I spot it, I got it. While I write this, I'm actively being kind to myself. I've tried to hide from growing and living life. I'd done that for long stretches. E2 is just letting me see those challenges are not so scary anymore.
E2 is a kind tool, filled with reminders to keep on living. For fear is a liar. And growth is a rewarder to those that seek it out
I was working with 2 others today, and I felt good. Not ecstatic, just grateful I was in peaceful and positive communication with male peers around me. A BIG sidenote on this, which I've seen coming back to me these last 2 weeks, is my positivity. I have undervalued thinking positively, mainly since.....I was not positive? Made me laugh writing that. But I was working with these 2 today, one an ex-Army National Guard artilleryman, and he said something as a remark which I caught. It was something along the lines of "since you're oh so positive", which I took as a compliment. We mock and tease each other throughout the day, and I enjoy the kid-ish playing. I even remarked about it when leaving, which wasn't planned, and he said it makes the day go by much easier, which I really REALLY agree with. We're doing some unintelligent work for the main boss, and my prior stress was "how can I make others happy?" I'm not focused on them (or all fearful about it). I'm enjoying being with myself, in my own thinking, and sharing it comfortably when asked, or when it'd benefit others around.
For example, we were discussing our head boss, a man who provokes fear easily in his employees--he uses it to manipulate people when needed. I shared something which I'd not even thought of until we brought it up. I shared the ONLY times I'm afraid of him now is when I'm not wanting to take responsibility on something. That alone says something to me, for I said the truth without "checking/cross-checking/hesitating" again and again. Those good changes feel GOOD. I thought of it also since I heard myself fearing taking responsibility, and being on E2 (surprisingly) has hit on this. Sharing now, I've feared doing so since I feared being overused/misused. Maybe since I've had a soft spot for......ooooo....people who don't take responsibility on themselves. I spot it, I got it. While I write this, I'm actively being kind to myself. I've tried to hide from growing and living life. I'd done that for long stretches. E2 is just letting me see those challenges are not so scary anymore.
E2 is a kind tool, filled with reminders to keep on living. For fear is a liar. And growth is a rewarder to those that seek it out
I want to be FREE!
