10-02-2018, 03:01 PM
I had an ok day at work, but I was insecure, meaning I was scared to just be myself. I worked with only 2 regulars, and both were unmotivated much of the time, IMO.
Why did I feel insecure?
I felt insecure since I feel "me" being worked on, yet I haven't had that need to be all me in whatever mood I'm in. My experience on UD pointed me to that......for I realize now that I was insecure today since I felt dependent on other's approval of me since I wasn't liking or accepting myself much. I was in charge, but I was not comfortable (scared, actually) to trigger possible anger from them. I felt like I was failing, and that's how I perceived myself in other's eyes. We're on camera at our facility, noone knows when they're looking, and I'm usually moving so much due to that. I felt like I was fighting for approval, without even approving of myself.
During writing that last sentence, I wanted to blame my coworkers. And...I'm feeling mad at/disliking of myself, an unresolved feeling throughout the day.
Where is E2 in this?
I feel like E2 is pointing me towards loving myself. And maybe it's the emotional shielding on E2, but loving myself actually involves some grieving of old things, and E2 really suppresses that. I've felt it (a little), but easily pushed it away. I have fond remembrances of feeling and grieving easily while on UD, which is why I can easily say "I'd never done that". I'd like more of that with E2 if it'll allow it.
I do have my eyes on UD once off E2. But mainly since it allows and promotes emotional honesty. After my adjustment period on UD, I realized how big this was for me, a feeler.
Why did I feel insecure?
I felt insecure since I feel "me" being worked on, yet I haven't had that need to be all me in whatever mood I'm in. My experience on UD pointed me to that......for I realize now that I was insecure today since I felt dependent on other's approval of me since I wasn't liking or accepting myself much. I was in charge, but I was not comfortable (scared, actually) to trigger possible anger from them. I felt like I was failing, and that's how I perceived myself in other's eyes. We're on camera at our facility, noone knows when they're looking, and I'm usually moving so much due to that. I felt like I was fighting for approval, without even approving of myself.
During writing that last sentence, I wanted to blame my coworkers. And...I'm feeling mad at/disliking of myself, an unresolved feeling throughout the day.
Where is E2 in this?
I feel like E2 is pointing me towards loving myself. And maybe it's the emotional shielding on E2, but loving myself actually involves some grieving of old things, and E2 really suppresses that. I've felt it (a little), but easily pushed it away. I have fond remembrances of feeling and grieving easily while on UD, which is why I can easily say "I'd never done that". I'd like more of that with E2 if it'll allow it.
I do have my eyes on UD once off E2. But mainly since it allows and promotes emotional honesty. After my adjustment period on UD, I realized how big this was for me, a feeler.
I want to be FREE!
